T-Rex: You and your eleven closest friends go camping. You wake up to discover the floor is lava! But there's rocks too, and they alternate back and forth in a checkerboard pattern!

Narrator: CHECKERS AS SHE IS PLAYED

T-Rex: And it turns out there's another team of campers just two hops away. You're trapped together, so you start moving towards each other. Maybe you can help each other escape!
T-Rex: But then every time - EVERY TIME - when you reach each other, someone decides "screw working together!" and instead STRAIGHT UP MURDERS A DUDE.

Utahraptor: They jump over you and kick you into the lava from mid-air!
T-Rex: Exactly!

T-Rex: Eventually a camper makes it to the opposite side, at which point they get twice as fat and can now hop backwards. I don't know why. This continues until all campers from one side have been eliminated.
Utahraptor: Yes, it certainly is a crazy game!

T-Rex: "GAME"??
〚T-Rex is surrounded by multiple question marks〛

August 15th, 2012: Yesterday I finished my page-by-page review of the totally insane novelization of Back to the Future (a book which was written from an early draft of the script and has so many problems, so many). And then I collected it all into an ebook and you can buy it and read it in a more convenient format! Because it's the future! I guess what I'm saying is I wrote a book and you can buy it!

Here's a taste:

If you were writing the first words of a novel version of Back to the Future, how would you do it? Maybe you’d introduce the concept of time being important, like the film did with all them crazy clocks. Maybe instead you’d introduce Marty and Doc, show who they are and what their relationship is. Well, anyway, you’re totally wrong!

The correct answer is to KILL EVERYBODY.

Here, in the living room of a peaceful house in the suburbs, a typical family sits quietly. Dad reads the evening paper, unaware that disaster is about to strike. Mom cleans the dinner dishes, oblivious to the fact that in a few seconds their world will be reduced to a whirlwind of splinters and atomized debris. The children are in their rooms, doing their homework, little knowing that only a few moments of life are left to them, that they will never have to worry about homework again. The mightiest force ever created by man is about to be unleashed on them and there is nothing on earth they can do about it...

Five...four...three...two...one...

A second later, there was a flash of white and the unnamed family were enveloped in a surge of power that tore their tiny frames to pieces, bending them curiously out of shape before separating bodies from heads, arms from torsos, legs from abdomens. The solid-looking house simply crumpled into thin shreds of pulp and instantly ignited into raveling avalanche of flame. A wind-tunnel effect then whisked the body parts and wreckage of furniture and plaster into a horrible whirling mass that was sucked into the tortured atmosphere.

I didn’t cut anything out here. This is how the book opens, with tortured bodies bent curiously out of shape before their heads fly off. HAH HAH HAH WHAT

If this seems like the sort of thing you'd like, you can read it for free on Tumblr or read it on your ebook devices for only $2.99!

One year ago today: history: too many jerks??

– Ryan