Narrator: HOW TO WRITE A SEX SCENE
T-Rex: Writers! Are your characters super horny??

T-Rex: Writers, did you imagine horned-up people "by accident" again??

T-Rex: Well I don't judge, but you should hear it from a friend first: you're going to write a sex scene soon.
T-Rex: The ideal sex scene does two things: it lets your characters touch each other in places, AND it makes the reader want to put the book down, look out the window, and think "Huh. Maybe I should have some sex soon, too."

Utahraptor: How does one write a sex scene, T-Rex?
T-Rex: EASY. Just fill in this template!

T-Rex: CHARACTER A touched CHARACTER B with his or her BODY PART. CHARACTER B quite liked it when SEX ACT happened. Before you knew it, PIECE OF FURNITURE/OFFICE EQUIPMENT was covered in LIQUID OR LIQUIDS TYPICALLY FOUND IN BODIES. Then they VERB together all over the REAL OR IMAGINED PASTA DISH.

T-Rex: "To summarize the sex we just had," said CHARACTER B OR D, sighing happily, "I would say: LINE FROM ANY SPEECH BY WINSTON CHURCHILL."
T-Rex: Okay! Writing is over, you can all go home now!
T-Rex: Send me half of your Pulitzer!!