| nearly writing a long comment about feeelings but deciding against it | REGRET INDEX:
0a regret index of 1 is ultimate regret
this result collects the hard-earned
experience of 1 lifetimes of regret
permalink to this result commentsI will confess: I did this several times tonight.
I just: keep doing it. So many feeelings. I'm having to deride my own innermost truths just to stop them getting out, the childish bastards.
In truth: I'm restraining myself from talking about feeelings even just responding to this. So much opportunity for feeelings.
I guess my problem with talking about feeelings is that it makes me feel vulnerable?: That's not really much of a revelation is it. Hang on, I'm still warming up to this.
Last time I left the 'dex in a huff, it was because I of my feeelings and the fact that something I've struggled with for a long time was being made light of.: I realized that the regret index was causing more regret for me than it was indexing, and I remembered that the same thing had happened before. I decided that it wasn't worth it and left, never to return.
I guess it didn't take. Now I'm back, sheltered by an even deeper degree of anonymity, and: the interesting thing is that I can't even find the conversations that triggered it. Maybe Ryan agreed with me that the whole subject was distasteful, and removed the comments in question, but I doubt it as I didn't think he took an active interest.
You know what the trouble is with feeelings?: I don't know if it's because of societal grooming or because I have ISSUES, but I regret even having feeelings. Every time I feeel something, I'm ashamed of myself.
There are fifty regrets that seem to be missing (the discrepancy between the "show all XXXXX regrets" count and the number of the top regret), so maybe he did. They've been gone as long as I've been here.: I guess sometimes we are kind of relentless? The whole Eiffel Towering thing is just one facet of the monumental ribbing Kento gets here, but I guess when someone is genuinely bothered we tend to settle down. Sometimes apologies happen.
At the time when it happened: it quickly escalated to a flame war; I guess I wouldn't be entirely surprised if it was considered worthy of removal. However, there were some regrets missing even then. I can't remember how many.
I don't think Ryan has been here in years, although he still remembers we exist. Recently he sent us some new people and we were rude to them. This may or may not be something to regret. : I think as far as having feeelings goes, I understand that it can be very difficult to have them, especially if they're about things you think should be too trivial to warrant that kind of response, or about things you don't believe you should involve
yourself with, but they are your feeelings and not dealing with them in some way is a mistake. You can't just ignore all of your feeelings all of the time. : I don't remember any flame war. I do remember being in an argument, but not more than a year ago, and like all arguments, it was stupid and I am sorry it happened. This place was pretty dead 2 years ago, tbh, so maybe whoever it was just left.
Once again, I am tied by my desire to remain anonymous: I can't even remember if I used my regular name during that argument, and even if I didn't, I wouldn't be totally surprised if it was known who I was, if only because of my sudden disappearance. Also: I don't remember when it happened exactly.
The problem isn't even in ignoring my feeelings, though maybe it should be. It's the fact that I can't ignore them.: I used to bottle them up; now I've sprung a leak, and this analogy is falling apart. I now have a very low threshold, and tend to overreact to things. And that leads to more shame, and regret, and feeelings.
Well what kind of feeelings are they: and would you like to talk about them?
That question is a lot harder to answer than it should be. Apparently I would like to talk about them, otherwise I wouldn't be anonymously venting at the 'dex, right? But I still feel vulnerable and uncomfortable about it.: Basically, in this case, I guess it's a form of obsessive compulsion; the fact that I can't deal with it when things aren't the way they're 'supposed' to be. A strict adherence to rules, and an inability to cope with it when others don't.
Is it that we don't really use the 'dex in the intended way any more? Because I have to be honest, I think that ship sailed a long, long time ago.: Sorry.
There were supposed to be no more than two people in the room. A third person entered, and did not leave. So: I panicked, shouted, threw a fork in order to quickly remove it from my hand, BOLTED, slammed a few doors, and have since spent two hours shaking and trying to calm myself down (simplified version).
The 'dex has proved a distraction, at least: which is helpful.
You know, I don't think the 'dex ever was used in the intended way: and it's not a question of the intended use so much as my subconscious interpretation of the intended use. Apology not necessary, but ... apparently it made me smile?
Oh.: Well, I guess the first question I have is why are there only supposed to be two people at most in the room? And my second question is do you feel, um, safe and secure where you are right now?
There are only supposed to be two people in the room because it is a very small room (it is a kitchen, which is why the fork), and if there are too many people no one can reach or do anything anymore and everyone's in everyone's way.: I did not come up with the rule, but I sure as hell internalized it. At this point, it's not about the practical purpose served by the limit, but about the limit itself.
Your 'um' leads me to immediately suspect some sort of euphemistic language or something, I don't even know.: I'm not in any physical danger, if that's what you're asking, nor do I fear retaliation on a conscious level (though I am beating myself up over it). Whether I feel safe on a psychological level is a whole 'nother question, and I don't know the answer.
OK. Do you ever feel uncomfortable in closed environments in a claustrophobic manner, or in crowds, in a demophobic manner (as opposed to being legitimately scared in certain scary crowds)? : Are you currently taking or withdrawing from any prescription medications, or habitually using caffeine stimulation to get through your day?
No, the 'um' was just a misplaced attempt at gently changing the topic without breaking the flow of the sentence too much. : I'm guessing that working in a kitchen, being a high-pressure environment at the best of times, your co-workers aren't going to hold it against you?
Yes; no; I did, however, take prescription meds once, about a year and a half ago; I am naturally leery of them, and my experiences made me a good deal more leery of them: Citalopram made me severely manic, and I was given ... lorazepam, I think it was called, to sedate me from that. The lorazepam wiped out most of my memory of that day. I have since refused to take further meds, as long as I can get away with it.
So are you actually a licensed psychiatrist; I feel sort of odd about talking to the 'dex this way, and a little like I'm playing along: Home kitchen actually, rather than work kitchen.
I think my roommates/family (I'm not sure why I'm sticking to the vague anonymity on that, but giving out my prescription med history with no trouble) will not hold it against me: as they are aware that I am unstable at times, and are aware of what extenuating circumstances there may be, and also if they do hold it against me they're likely to be passive aggressive rather than active, although actually I'm not sure that's better.
Oh, I'm not a doctor. : A certain amount of claustrophobia is normal. Add to that the situation being a sort of low-key aggravated tension (seriously, can you tell I'm not a doctor), and I think it's just - well it's just what it seems to be, an outburst because the situation
got on top of you. I obviously don't know whether they'll hold it against you or not, but I suspect that in the morning or later tonight they'll be calmed down and, if you want to discuss it with them, just to clear up that it was the situation that : frustrated you, and not them, personally, if you see what I mean, then they'll probably be fine. Kitchens can be dangerous places, no question, and rules like that do make sense, so don't think that you were in the wrong. Outré response, but normal reason
Also: I'm guessing you were preparing your evening meal at the time? Best to get back out there, have something to eat. It will improve your mood.
Cleaning up from the evening meal, actually.: ...okay I've been staring at your comments for a while now and tried to respond and failed, and now I feel like I have to say somethin, but everything's coming out wrong, so I guess this is just a pointless placeholder or whatever I don't even know
Don't sweat it.: It's not like I have anywhere to go.
You talked to me about my feeelings, and now I don't know how to respond but do feel better, so: mission accomplished, I guess: I'm trying to thank you without sounding sarcastic and it is proving harder than anticipated; can we just take it as read? No, I suppose not. Thank you.
Ugh that came out wrong: I mean it's not... it's not important to say anything just because there's a break in the conversation. Still not what I mean, but, ugh. Just having trouble expressing myself here.
Yes: it's OK, I'm just happy to help.
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