alligators in the sewer

a regret index of 1 is ultimate regret
this result collects the hard-earned
experience of 25 lifetimes of regret
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forgetting that you'd posted your height on the internet?
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the velvet fog, da bears
the velvet frog
when one takes the moisture from one's own or another's flatulence and uses it to masturbate with
the velvet fog
I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin
jumping Springfield Gorge on a skateboard
dyeing hair, with a vagina
getting a handjob in a public restroom from John Hancock
livin' with the things you do to me
Pokemon Vicious and Clean
if you sleep too long the fire goes out
dying hard, with a vegan
you haven't been given your best souvenir
bitterly ironic bits of synchonicity
stupid little bits of zenyatta mondatta
driving past some kids just hanging out on a public lawn the way that teenagers do and thinking "I used to do that, it's summertime, and the weather is fine, I can reach right up and touch the sky" but then nope, endless drudgery for you
standing here with your thumb up your ass waiting for this freakin' thing to blow up
something something Wankhouse
enacting Porn Laws to deal with puberty
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recent comments

(1) wondering if there was something in the recent comments that finally got Ryan a cease & desist letter
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top regrets

feeling iffy from lithium (1.0000)
forgetting how to brake on an icy bridge and consequently totalling your reliable and beloved car (1.0000)
not realizing until you had wasted lots of time that when your ex said he didn't want a serious relationship, he meant it (1.0000)
your recent accomplishments leaving you feeling spent, used, and broken into smithereens, rather than joyous, celebratory or purposeful (1.0000)
having no way of knowing whether a new friend, a sweet but chaotic nutter, is alive or dead as of this morning, and having to wait thirty six hours to find out for sure (1.0000)
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bottom regrets

using the word "waffletastic" (0.0000)
rubbing one out in the bathroom at church (0.0000)
sucking her left one until she had a breastgasm (0.0000)
having sex with a girl who looked a lot like Christina Ricci (0.0000)
stealing that girl's bra from the communal laundry room (0.0000)
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most voted regrets

meeting Brian Peppers (12078/0.9998)
turtles (2607/0.0004)
the death of Sylvia Browne (2430/0.0000)
that you're suddenly very interested in the origin of the champagne out of a shoe trope (2336/0.5076)
breasts (1440/0.0135)
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