Do you regret
speaking frankly?
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a world of regret

we were angels
rosug shingn the kdogglr an yuo liek roylied up nar
beeing sucha bad spellr that evryone on the regret indix nose you r an imbisell
having a huge throbbing erection r,ight now
eating a huge marshmallow
being cruel to Kento
being cruel to be kind, but not for free
Mighty Jill Off
being cruel to be kind
jilling off
jacking off
being born after Freddy Mercury died, but before Jean Luc Picard was born
reading The Original of Laura in Tehran
killing yourself
wondering who we would eat first if a plane carrying all the regret index regulars crashed in the Andes
making cum cheese
having anal cancer
Glee making Lima Ohio seem wholesome
possibly losing a friend because of distance, and your own stupidiity
not getting the joke regrets of late
cautioning your lady not to put in too much Halloween grey powder, but turns out she was just brushing her natural hair
brain drain
everything dies
railroad plots
Holocaust porn
blendmanteau
incorporating the words "Kento" and "cum" into the lyrics of a song you're writing
tit for tat
that if slime molds ever decide if they're animal or plant, the human race will be in trouble
that at an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant, at a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant, at a Reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant, and at a Reconstructionist wedding, the rabbi and her wife are both pregnant
gallows humor
playing the race card
that the real Kento died like thirty thousand regrets ago
that because of one poorly worded sentence in a news article, you spent twelve years wondering what the sexual connotations of 'Memphis' were
that it is possible for one of the regret index regulars to die, and then nobody here will ever know it and we'll just think "oh, I guess he slash she just got sick of all the regrets about cum and Kento and song lyrics and stopped coming around here"
blacks
that you can't spell "manslaughter" without "laughter"
being a lesbian stuck in a man's body stuck in Mobile with the Memphis blues again
jews
trimming our hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle
being a lesbian stuck in a man's body
NUDE GIRLS
writing Freddy Mercury slash Veronica Mars fanfiction
making delicious gender rolls
reaching a deep philosophical quandry
phyiss
having the surname "Zakunt"
everything you made from Nebraska onward
physics
that Backyardigans
having sex with Letterman
steels
grounds
rocks
electrics
fires
waters
grasses
darks
fightings
sippin' on some sizzurp
that you can't spell the word "swanky" without "swan"
having legs and knowing how to use them
that you can't pronounce "continuous probability distribution" without "cunt"
winning the first place for Most Likely to Break Hymen Whispering the Word "Pseudonym" Female with seventeen votes
that revirgining surgery is not so much surgery as showing a deflowered woman a picture of you
that there is such a thing as "sleep killing"
that a woman's hymen desperately tries to reknit itself as a final line of defense when she whispers the word "Kento"
listening to Love Psychedelico all night
the attack of the the eye creature
that a woman's hymen breaks when she whispers the word "Pseudonym"
eating Lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakechymenokichlepikossyphophattoperisteralektryonoptekephalliokigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon
that you can't pronounce "country" without "cunt"
actually liking a record label as much as all the artists on it
that the reason the Large Hadron Collider keeps breaking is that it's being sabotaged from the future
cum, mister tally man, tally me banana
talking to yourself more than you talk to other people
Appalachian granny magic
eating plant ovaries
not knowing whether that line in the Banana Boat song says "daylight come and we wanna go home," "me wanna go home," or "he wanna go home"
eating finger limes
toying with Illinois
being stuck inside of Pat Robertson with the Joseph Smith blues again
that the Regret Index isn't really that amazing after all
wondering who this hater be, cause it might actually skew your opinion of them
that you can understand hating Whedon, and it's a stretch but you guess you could understand a dislike for Fey, but hating both at the same time just seems unnatural
hating all that is good in this world
Operation Infinite Walrus
being stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again
being a tall broad
oinking
pat robertson unbirth porn
that there are no stupid questions, but there are many inquisitive idiots
asking leading questions, which a horrible thing to do, you ass
asking loaded questions, you idiot
asking rhetorical questions
hating Tina Fey almost almost as much as Joss Whedon
having a total girlcrush on Tina Fey
the KoT
making the rockin' world go round
that all you hear is radio gaga
meating a man from China, going down to Asia Minor
mooing
getting drunk, blacking out, only to find out nine months later you have to pay child support for the child of a transsexual man having cumshot
thinking something had a really deep symbolic meaning and then its creator admits it was completely arbitrary
that there hasn't been a good, long regret index discussion in weeks
drinking too much that one time and hitting on your friend, without remembering it afterward
knowing what fandom something references, even though you've never read or watched the source material
going rouge
eating that rare candy
not helping that old lady with her groceries
getting drunk, blacking out, only to find out nine months later you have to pay child support for the child of a transsexual man
having cumshot
having anal sex, getting anal pregnant, then getting an anal abortion
kento cowgirls
kento handa
kenton county schools
kento of hardrock
kento nagayama
kento ankokuden cestvs
kento mori dancer
kento marek
kento nakajima
kento hayashi
kento mori
that yes, yes, we get it, you would have been internet famous if your friend hadn't beaten you to it
confucius bukakke
joseph smith vore fetishism
plato menophilia
vishnu mud sports
anton levay autoerotic asphyxiation
martin luther rusty trombone
mary baker eddy scissoring
l ron hubbard anal cream pie
zoroaster frotteurism
abraham reacharound
muhammed cleveland steamer
buddha blowjob
jesus fuck
thinking outside the box
being caught in a bear trap
being caught in a bad romance
going to a polka concert on DXM
pledging my love, what if i'm only pledging my love
going to a Pinback concert on DXM
not listening to what Sailor Moon said
wanting my love, la la la wanting my love
ugh, shudder
replying to that cum regret, thus perpetuating the creation of more cum regrets
cooking with cum
cuzzling gum
same sex marriage for dogs
segregation for dogs
freedom from having to quarter soldiers during peacetime for dogs
miranda rights for dogs
gun rights for dogs
freedom of choice for dogs
telling yourself you'll complete an assignment today since you have other things to do tomorrow but you're probably going to put it off until tomorrow anyway
looking at pictures of stillborn kittens
looking at pictures of abortable puppies
looking at pictures of aborted puppies
that if youtube were a cassette tape, you would be wearing that shit out
having long arms and clumsy feet
aborting adorable puppies
liking music videos even though they're kind of dumb
that video killed the radio star
having no taste, okay
even trying to justify something that is totally a guilty pleasure
that you just find the Bad Romance video refreshing because it's been a long time since you saw a music video that was visually striking and had a story as well
that you were going to be productive but instead you're watching the videos for Bad Romance and Paparazzi over and over again
seeing the headline "Saudi Religious Police are Using Facebook" as and laughing hysterically as you imagine a bunch of guys in all black fatigues holding AK forty sevens playing Mafia Wars and posting drunks self pics from the Homecoming kegger
that we live in cheeky times
being crazy, boi
never having heard a lady gaga song
that you maybe, actually, kind of love Lady Gaga
living in Hymietown
being as gay as a daffodil, my dear
going into the future, seeing the apocalypse, going back in time and being turned into an Iron Man on the way, who can't then communicate what you have learned of the possible doom of the planet to the humans of the present day, so yo go mad and start cho
screwing Milton Bradley
being made of leather and meat
kissing a girl just to kiss a girl
VV
U
XD
tricking a straight guy into cumguzzling another straight guy
using too many pangrams
that you can't draw a smiley face on the regret index
see what I mean
v
L,,,,,,,J
that this really isn't going to work
tricking a straight guy into dating another straight guy, because man guys
sleeping with a submarine
guzzling cum, because man guys, and by the way, screw you MB
playing Chuzzle
playing team hide and seek
sleeping in a submarine
that time when you were seven and mad at your mom and read about writing a letter to feel less angry, but it wasn't enough, so you actually gave her the letter and she just looked at you
most guys
thinking you got all the pus out of a zit but the next day it's just as infected and swollen as ever
guzzling cum
drinking a Mickey Slim
dilma
ratma
catma
needing to fart but being in public
selling propane and propane paraphernalia
that Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you
swan alex
man guys
neopetism
nepotism
people asking "how was your weekend" when you worked both Saturday and Sunday, and it wasn't really a weekend
having a rough nap
not knowing your own height
wanting her to think that she raised you right
fucking Gromit
closing your laptop and opening a book in preparation for bed, but finishing the book and coming back to look up harakiri, and then wasting several more hours online
!!!
assuming that somebody is criticizing you because they don't understand you
criticizing what you can't understand
The matrix sequels
being upset when an attractive friend of the opposite sex gets married, not because you were actually considering pursuing him or her, but just out of jealousy for the spouse
not being an established man
that if you loosen the definition of "girl" to "anything with female genitalia," you might be able pull off that kiss by fourth quarter twenty fifteen
that humans are just ridiculously intelligent animals
getting pizza in other people's mouths
that you're supposed to call them "twenty ten" and "twenty eleven"
kissing Kento
that you should probably start mapping out a long term strategy that culminates in kissing a girl in twenty sixteen at the earliest
that your hopes for two thousand eleven are pretty dim too
that two thousand and ten won't be the year you kiss a girl either
that two thousand and nine probably will not be the year you kiss a girl
that while most people, when trying to let people know they're depressed, say something positive and put a depressing spin on it, you do the opposite
that using twitter's list new list feature you added a list of people you've shagged
that people can tell you're alive because you said "Pie Pie Comics"
frmpton coming alive
Kento's evil twin, Knto, being alive
knto being alive
Kento Ikeda's crotch
Pie Pie Comics
her voice
Patrycja Grzymalkiewicz's voice
Kento Ikeda's voice
Megan Breslin's voice
Suzie Finer's voice
Lisa Allarde Johnson's voice
Ilsa von Bulow's voice
Francesca Nicoli's voice
Dame Pandora's voice
Katharine Blake's voice
Emily Gray's Voice
Alison Shaw's voice
typis
having your girlfriend stolen by your parasitic twin
feeling like there isn't much in this world that isn't someway integral, not getting why some people get so pissed off at integration
feeling like there isn't much in this world that isn't in some way derivative, not getting why people get so pissed off at derivation
Pink Pie Jack
not being able to draw hands
wearing a strap on
writing intentionally misspelled regrets in a vein attempt to liven up the slowly dyeing regret index
writing intentionally combative regrets in a vain attempt to liven up the slowly dying regret index
that you suspect Alberto Ginastera has influenced a lot of Japanese composers, but you can't find evidence of this
confusing regret and resentment
confusing regret and annoyance
not knowing that Joss Whedon was one of the writers for Titan AE, that explains it being a derivative pile of overstylized garbage with only cult appeal
African Armenian coffee
negro coffee
African American coffee
Being and Time
pooping
excessive self awareness
reading horoscopes for people long dead
announcing your plans to become a subscription based site shortly after removing a substantial chunk of your best content, Hulu
spacing out on the job
not knowing before that Joss Whedon was one or the writers for Titan AE, that explains it being a financial failure and you really liking it
that your organization's acronym is PISSJOB
that your organization's acronym is CUNTSAK
that you probably shouldn't be allowed near the internet
AH BLOO BLOO BLOO
that you will never be the Veronica, or even the Betty
then remembering twitter
being on the internet for the first time in two days and already having nothing more to do
being without home internet for a while
the Amazing Kento Ind ex
stuffing a really hot potato in your pants
Eating a really hot potato
being banned from a website about you
Paki bashing
having a hectocotylus
forcing your sounds onto unwilling listeners
being a useful idiot
making the beast with two backs
that your son was killed by a Jewish cabal
that the Dalai Lama is on myspace
deciding not to do laundry and instead wear mildewy bloodstained underwear from your laundry pile
deciding not to do laundry and instead wear used underwear from your laundry pile
sexual dimorphism in pokemon
that Dalai Lama being a christian
that Dalai Lama being a charlatan
that its not possible to put apostrophe's in your regrets
that it's not possible to put apostrophes in your regrets
replacing Kento with a singing sock puppet
replacing Kento with a sock puppet
turning the Kento Index into the Puppet Index
that this has apparently slowly sunken from being the Regret Index, to being the Kento Index
getting kind of turned on by this recording of Pierrot Lunaire, hey Rachel, can you tell who I am
being a pissant
passive regrets
your regret not being in the form of an action
your regret not having the form of an action
your regret not being phrased as an action
that your regret wasn't phrased as an action
that this is the last regret that will ever be entered into the regret index
waiting for the little busters
trading your ass for beans
THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT
VERY PUBLICLY AND VERY LOUDLY DECIDING NOT TO COMMENT ON THE REGRET THAT CLAIMS IT WILL NEVER BE COMMENTED ON, JUST TO POKE FUN AT ITS AUTHOR'S FUTILITY
that nobody will ever comment on this regret
that King Kento I has a seven inch penis
not starting your thesis until two days before it was due
OH MY GOD FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF
wanting to reach through the internet and throttle her
not being able to store up internet and take it home with you
having to help your sister set up her POP email in anexternal email client every time, every fucking time
Alasdair Willis
not having enough of the vitamin btwelve
the book "I, Kento" having a seven inch penis
sticking your fingers in the dike
fire in the hole
that maybe the guy on goatse was just trying to supress a really loud fart
discovering that you can prevent audible farting by stretching your butthole
having a seven inch Greasy Walrus Tostada
that Indiana wants you but you can't go back there
growing up tall and growing up right with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights
going to Indiana and never coming home
preferring mono to stereo
telling me all your secrets but lying about your past
continuing to eat that candy corn even though you don't like it
that I have a seven inch penis, Kento
that I, Kento, have a seven inch penis
being a fictional character
fucking
putting razor blades in those apples
getting candy
being a dude who looks like a male androgyne
getting funk as druck
looking for salient features and not necessary and sufficient conditions for something to count as music
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN
trying to shit but only farting
that V is only worth four points
winning third place for Most Likely To Do Rapes with eight votes
eating a Greasy Walrus Tostada
getting drunk as fuck
searching for lost time
That you weren't the one to post the "strapping your hands across my engines" regret, you don't think, unless maybe you've lost time
hoping you haven't slighted anyone by accident
pimping out Kento for Halloween
that that little faggot is a millionaire
shouting "I don't regret anything!" as you did something dramatic, and it totally didn't have the same impact
strapping your hands across my engines
drinking fermented boar's blood
Flash! ahhh ahhh!
dressing up Kento for Halloween
being a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a chick
being a dude who looks like an androgyne who looks like a woman
Having my crazy ex actually go crazy and be hospitalized
feeling slighted by a friend, which causes you to become lonely and cranky and to lash out at your other friends who try to help you, thereby alienating them and perpetuating the spiral
Elmo porn
emo porn
the Regret Splicing Bandit
that the world rewards those who hope with disappointment erotically soaping up your huge boobs in a sexy manner
that the world rewards those who hope with disappointment
erotically soaping up your huge boobs in a sexy manner
now that's kentertainment
taking the Oxford Capacity Anal
taking a trip to the uncanny valley
that "exploding head syndrome" is not nearly as cool as it sounds
distending your anus while powerlifting
catching yuppie flu
powerlifting
that "series of tubes" is actually a completely valid analogy
botching your moon landing lines
that ghee going nowhere, and with lots of pitch correction all of a sudden
dresing up as Kento for Halloween
never having meated a horse
never having eaten horsemeat
our idea that calories are a bad thing, which they are in excess, as is everything else, but while they are also a simple measurement of chemical energy, which your body needs to live
that certain nutritional deficiencies can occur on the raw food diet, including calcium, iron, Btwelve, protein, and calories
juggling four friends before you dropped one, and they cracked their head on the sidewalk and bled out
juggling four friends before one found out and left, followed by the one closest to him, then lying to keep the other two around without knowing about eachother for eight months
waiting to exhale
empty, hollow gestures
having a sweet idea for a last minute costume
being a dude who looks like a dude who looks like a woman
preferring Sava Lov's cover of "My Body is John Cage" to the original
senselessvendiagrams
equating marriage with relationships, when they're pretty different dynamics
having nothing more to say
wondering if you were too forward with her
scary pumpkins
traveling back in time only to prevent a typo
the regret index having no edit function
wondering what it's all about
that Glee going nowhere, and with lots of pitch correction all of a sudden
running away when your beliefs are challenged
doing something useful in the meantime
going on Index hiatus, and not being sure if you'll return, hell, you guess you'll have to find something else to help you think now
taboos
people who assume that talking to someone not a licensed professional precludes talking to a licensed professional
calling your depression a serious medical condition, yet refusing medical help and burdening your friends with demands to cure you, then being surprised when your friends come to resent you
being sick of the fact that people with problems can't talk about those problems to anyone except a licensed professional without being called an attention whore
demanding the question be asked
petitioning the premise
being eaten by a turtle zombie
being sure there is a sector of the population with legitimate self injury problems, but you still have a lot of trouble reconciling the idea of it with your experiences, and you don't mean to be derogatory to those with the problem, but it seems so alien
having two more Bud Light with Limes left in your fridge that you have to drink, and whatever they're fine, they taste like flat ginger ale and you can deal, but ugh two more is kind of pushing it
that "begging the question" is a horrible translation of the original Latin phrase, and the "incorrect" usage actually makes more sense in parsing
pointing out that someone misused "begging the question"
kissing the sky
Ashen faggots
Christmas creep
finding that using any technique for emphasis, such as italics, profanity, capital letters, or exclamation marks, only extremely rarely rather increases their effect when you do use them
writing that song about Dave Coulier
that rachel is the sainted one who turns all regret index angst into witty wordplay and enjoyment for all
the comic relief bandit
making a porno called "Eight Maids a Milking Ten Lords a Leaping Nine Ladies Dancing"
that the internet is a fickle mistress
wondering if all five gold rings are to be worn on the same hand, and if so, what if anything is worn on the other
wondering what the maids are milking
slashing someone
remembering why you left TaRI version one
wondering what the lords are leaping
sleeping with a machete beside your bed
trying so hard to fix something slash someone that you only make it worse
twelve drummers drumming
eleven pipers piping
ten lords a leaping
nine ladies dancing
eight maids a milking
seven swans a swimming
six geese a laying
five gold rings
four calling birds
making an idle snide comment because you were pissed off at something else at the time and having it spark a raging debate
three French hens
two turtle doves
a partridge in a pear tree
having to spend so much energy on perpetuating your depression that you have hardly any energy left to focus on recovery
having to spend so much energy on defending yourself against delegitimization that you have hardly any energy left to focus on recovery
the long standing "I cannot talk about my emotions to anyone at all because they will either lock me up or else they will assume that I'm just out for attention" phase you went through which caused you to completely alienate all your friends
that brief, immature "look at me, I'm a cutter, isn't that cool and deep and unique" phase you went through in your teenage years
cutting because your emotions are all out of whack, so your emotional response to a trigger is not necessarily proportional to the intensity of the trigger itself
learning something new
people who think that because some people in the past suffered for their beautiful art, the suffering itself was beautiful, rather than the process of dealing with that suffering
cutting yourself because your mom made you pay for half of the gas for the Camry when she drove you to the Linkin Park concert, and wouldn't let you spend the night with your twenty seven year old boyfriend, MAN THAT IS SEVERE EMOTIONAL PAIN
that brief, immature Asperger's phase you went through as a teenager, after which you realized you were just a socially inept retard who latched on to the latest trendy excuse for being an idiot
self diagnosing yourself as severely depressed, then cutting just to prove yourself right
that brief breastfeeding phase you went through as an infant
having sympathy for people for whom self injury is a legitimate problem, yet being disturbed by the emo chic trend that says that emotional pain is something to not only hang on to, but also to be proud of
wondering if Irish Evil is like Irish Cream
really wondering if people on Facebook take your fake lesbian marriage seriously
that you would feel more like going out into the main part of the apartment and packing if she wasn't here
having less of an appetite lately, maybe because of stress, which is probably a good thing
that brief, immature PTSD phase you went through after you were raped
that brief, immature dead phase you went through after your heart stopped beating
that brief, immature Alzheimer's phase you went through as a senior
that brief, immature "being unable to walk" phase you went through after breaking your leg
that brief, immature grief phase you went through after someone close to you died
that brief, immature radiation sickness phase you went through after an atom bomb was dropped in your city
that brief, immature leukemia phase you went through in your teenage years
that brief, immature chicken pox phase you went through in your childhood
everything you've been in since Twelve Monkeys
being an idiot
being a bearer, being a dwelling, being a messenger
that you can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter"
getting into the TRIPLE DIGITS, WOOOOOO
not doing your stunningly unoriginal webcomic years ago, when it would have been slightly, though only slightly, more original
taking an online iq test and getting a score of eighty four, even though they're all rigged to give everyone a one fifty
that gulliver's travels features egalitarian equestrians
taking an online iq test and getting a score of eighty four
dead cat
being raped by a midget
telling her you love her
eating that four day old sandwich
ignoring her
the Q document
knowing where the boys are
sometimes putting on theatrical makeup for no other reason than to hang around your house in it for a while
taking a sad song and making it better
wikipedophilia
really liking makeup sometimes, though you don't wear it very often, in a way it acts as a mask, and disguise can be empowering
really thinking that makeup is pointless
wasting so much time on him or her
being really upset at something not directed at you
accidental engrish
being neither sexy nor a librarian
flirting on wikipedia with line "you sure expand MY stub"
playing accordion pantsless
the Star Chamber
having found the strangest music
meditating upon a broomstick
rubbing one out into your girlfriend's hair while she's asleep
that there is nothing that says that things that are fair must also be the things that work, the world is just not so benign to us, life is not that easy
not believing in the concept of self
wham bam thank you ma'am
going to Laputa, Glubbdubdrig, Balnibarbi, Luggnagg, and Japan
that you always liked Mary from Harvest Moon the best
that fanwikis are destined to fail because anyone who spends enough time on the computer to contribute to them has the social skills of a brain damaged baboon
punching someone, IN GROIN
not believing in the concept of self serve gas
not believing in the concept of self pleasure
not believing in the concept of self medication
not believing in the concept of self confidence, you pathetic loser
not believing in the concept of self esteem
wondering if it's actually true that chicks dig scars
punching someone, IN SPACE
buying a recording headset from a little old gypsy lady
flyclapping
trying to hum Istanbul but it keeps turning into Puttin' on the Ritz
people who take other's mythology and rewrite it in a way that completely negates any deeper meaning it might once have had, and then use that to build a bustling franchise and become filthy rich, I'm looking at you, DISNEY
people who take other's works and rewrite them in a way that's exciting to the public, and then are lauded as being "good" or "deep" for no reason other than that those works survived a few centuries, I'm looking at you, SHAKESPEARE
wearing nothing but a Snuggie for Halloween, because you're lazy as fuck
wearing nothing but a twoubesock over your genitals for halloween
having a tromboner
archive binging dinosaur comics
always assuming that librarians are hot young women with short hair, glasses, no makeup, and a really cute smile, which is damn sexy
being a tromboner
being a member of the illiterati
giving Kento a rusty trombone
getting a mildewy towel and moist towelettes at a garagee sale
getting a rusty trombone at a garage sale
wearing nothing but a tubesock over your genitals for halloween
giving up on being understood
determining the fate of a friendship by whether that person replies to a post you made on his or her wall on Facebook
devoting your life to trying to breed a cat that's as big as a horse
renting movies which you then can not bring yourself to watch
being merely of historical interest
vicarious depression
always assuming that librarians are wrinkled old ladies with white hair, glasses, bright pink lipstick and a really phony smile, which isn't sexy at all
That most real life librarians, especially in your area, aren't sexy, but still you can dream
that you think you might have some kind of infection in your throat
not coming up with the perfect costume until it is too late to buy any supplies
spending so much time on this site that "regret" no longer looks like a word
putting kento in a frig
making up statistics about frig deaths, but not bothering to write them down and forgetting them
losing the baby pterodactyl you were babysitting
that you'll probably just go as a sexy librarian again this Halloween, which is to say you'll wear the same clothes you wear every day
not staying after the show and meating the band
not staying after the show and meeting the band
ELECTROPLATING YOUR PENNIES
not saying freya enough
tasty delicious frig
frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig frig
being a little tired of frig
ye olde regret index
not saying frig enough
spelling lieu wrong
wearing a hat in leiu of washing your hair or anything silly like that
leitwortstil
generally feeling pretty dumb about almost everything you've ever done
making a potato clock costume
not having a girlish enough build for anything else
not having a boyish enough build to crossdress as your favorite male characters for Halloween
that as socially isolated and as bitter as you are, and as THE regretter, one might expect you to complain about "humanity" and "society" but you hate that, thinking they sound vague
wishing to have an objective view on the subject of your worthlessness or lack thereof
just being yourself
Kento Ikeda Facts
swallowing all those marbles
Nick Swan
being a coin operated boy
swan drake
gore vidal being grumpy
that you tend to tell the truth about yourself on the internet, but you also tend to "stylize" that truth a little bit, also, you don't really do anything to stop people from believing the stuff other people have made up about you
contracting butt disease
having body integrity identity disorder
being mean to everyone
getting him a body bag, yeah
putting the lotion on its skin
confusing certain plot points from Stand by Me and It
Waiting so long
being a pro wrestler and murdering your wife and child
wanting to swan someone
realizing that you and Kento are basically foils, because Kento reveals everything about his life be it fact or fiction whereas you try very hard to reveal nothing at all
often saying things like "I'm pretty sure" when what you really mean is that you're completely and utterly certain
phallus dentatus
wanting to bone someone
tasing a swan
confusing David Lynch with David Mamet
confusing David Lynch with David Byrne
kissing Christopher Reeve
being paralyzed
the end of the world
a lion playing a violin
bringing home the bacon
getting so thin you're on the fist butthole
wishing you could purchase a copy of the Voynich manuscript for cheap
getting so thin you're on the first belthole
using moist towelettes and drying yourself with a mildewy towel after having a shower in which you ate spare ribs
being named Moist von Lipwig
using moist towelettes after eating spare ribs
eating delicious rabbit
eating Bugs Bunny
being Bugs Bunny
being bugs
not really liking yams
that you kind of want to date amanda palmer if only because she wrote a song about christopher lydon
not having any delicious soylent green to munch on
yams
that soylent green is made from people
that the word moist has some severe ickiness that you just can't put your finger on
sometimes, on cold days, not being able to tell if the clothes in the dryer are damp or just cold, until you put them on and leave the house
the word moist
that no one has added a regret that involves the word moist, at least not according to your search, how can that be
drying this pillow by itself for maybe two hours, and it still seems damp
not having a whole mess of dried fruit to much on right now
working in the grocery store, you're saving your pennies for some day
that there are fucking beetles everywhere, you're so looking forward to moving out
total renal failure
regret number one seven five two five
not trusting other people to not take your hapax legomena and ruin them by rewriting them elsewhere
always forgetting which regret is the comment party regret
using the comment section on this regret to list hapax legomena that will never be used again
wondering if there could ever be a true hapax legomenon, a word that appears only once anywhere
that Overheard in New York is totally stupid
that rachel must have a photographic memory or something
not learning from past regrets
that you probably wrote both of those late night washer and drier regrets
reading the Legonomicon
using splash attack
seeing a rather endearing version of Evil Dead the Musical performed in a back yard in Chicago, but it not being the more popular off broadway version, and it probably being lost to history's view
hapax legomenon
that "taking the hugest dump" has more than twice as many votes as any other regret on the site
not having a dryer so it can take like forty eight hours to get some of your clothes dry
making films that are critical of capitalist institutions, then having them distributed by billion dollar multinational corporations, and still trying to maintain the cred you had when you started out
waiting until the very middle of the night to put a load of clothes in, so that you will have to wait another hour to sleep so you can transfer them to the drier
stabbing your boyfriend in the gut in order to close that newly opened gate into hell
your habit of just fading out of people's lives
making yourself out to be poor, but not being REALLY poor, and often saying "I know I'm not really poor" but anyway you should stop whining so much
sabotaging your personal and professional relationships just so you can claim the world hates you
that you probably are a douche
watching Hoarders on A&E
the southeastern ceremonial complex
foxy boxing
hoarding cats
having a dream involving a zmobie apocalypse
derivation by suppletion
wanting to be poop
spending all your money on perisable items
wanting to be poor
wondering where we'll go for shocks next now that TwoGirlsOneCup has blown the doors of coprophilic vomit fetishism wide open
boneless skinless swan breasts
skinless breastfeeding
that Ryan North is in Chicago right now, and so are you, but not in the same part of it
Ecce Kento
having a dream where it seemed like Kento was chasing you, or perhaps trying to hunt you down, and you had to keep leading him in false directions, but the weird part is that it was all in third person, and you were dead in the dream
that Fred and Gal are the same person
eating skinless breasts
that if future historians are looking through the internet archive, they've got a lot of nasty surprises in store for them as to what people were like
that if future historians are looking through the internet archive they'll find things like that and chuckle
that we are living in the shittiest part of the third millenium
not being a librarian
being an action librarian
calling your teacher "mom" when you were in high school
wishing Ryan a happy birthday, happy birthday Ryan
wasting time on the Regret index instead of working
telling your housemate you have a crush on him
Ecce Homo
using so much lighter fluid
Baro
Japanese Canadian internment
really liking Garamond, it's like Times New Roman with just the right amount of added class
middle aged men with fake tans, bleached blond hair, and pink nailpolish
having sex with that cougar
reducing the philosphy of librarian to a dwarven ethical system, which you assume necessarily implies that librarians and dwarves are cruel, while you are in fact distorting the truth with bias
reducing the profession of librarian to a darwinian ethical system, which you assume necessarily implies that librarians are cruel, while you are in fact distorting the truth with bias
that "pontoon" totally sounds like a dirty word
reducing the philosophy of libertarianism to a darwinian ethical system, which you assume necessarily implies that libertarians are cruel, while you are in fact distorting the truth with bias
middle aged women with fake tans, bleached blond hair, and pink nailpolish
not climbing trees as an adult
The Gay Science
waxing your pubes
that you cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place
greeting rachel
wondering if Ryan can piece together your future by the things you've searched for here
the pathetic fallacy
that English is your fourth language and you speak it better than your first but not your second
that rachel just wrote the regret "munching box", geez what the heck is wrong with you, rachel
greasing forks
munching box
licking the inside of a Vagina Male
that English is your second language, and you speak it so much better than your first
hoping
not hoping
hoping not
wondering if people can piece together your past by the things you've said here
Sarah Blasko writing an entire album about her breakup with you
upvoting all the bottom regrets
downvoting all the top regrets
ejaculating at relativistic speeds
that you keep on thinking about making a hexagon dot cc group for the regret index but what the heck would it be used for, it's so stupid
sitting in a dark quiet room wearing sunglasses but having to have candles lit to see anything, and finding even them too bright
trying to dislodge your headache without success
lolporn
your odd hankering for crapping out Zep at late hours of the night
that if you sever your tongue licking the inside of a vagina, you're probably doing something wrong
that there is an alarming level of Scooby Doo related pornographic fanart out there, and sure you can say that about anything, but Scooby Doo seems to lend itself particularly well to the fantasies of perverts for some reason
that a vision softly creeping left its seed while you were sleeping
walking on the sun
winning the second place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of a Vagina Male with sixteen votes, then going out and severing your tongue licking the inside of a vagina just to prove everyone wrong
charging usage rights for something you don't own
never reading Giving Terms
using the word "meme" as a equivalent for "stupid annoying injoke that wasn't funny the first time it was made, let alone the hundredth"
using the word "a" as a equivalent for "an"
using the word "substitute" as a substitute for "replacement"
using the word "equivalent" as an equivalent for "substitute"
how quickly regret index memes get all meta
et cetera
using the word "gay" as an equivalent for "happy"
using the word "kike" as a equivalent for EVIL
using the word "jew" as a equivalent for "successful businessman"
using the word "Firefly" as a equivalent for "Cowboy Bebop"
using the word "replacement" as a replacement for "equivalent"
using the word "jew" as a replacement for "successful businessman"
using the word "Firefly" as a replacement for "Cowboy Bebop"
using the word "kike" as a replacement for EVIL
that you Kento hurt the one you love
seeing a stuffed walrus at a store and wanting to buy it for Kento, but you don't have any way to get it to him and also you're not actually on gift giving terms with him
using the word "gay" as a replacement for "happy"
using the word "dumb" as a replacement for "stupid"
using the word "lame" as a replacement for "stupid"
using the word "retarded" as a replacement for "stupid"
intending to search for a regret but adding a new regret instead
being S
Hulu taking season two and three of Buffy offline
that the regret index has been declared dead many times, but it will NEVER DIE
eating a duck when you could have eaten a swan
stuffing your bra
that I predict that the Regret Index will finally die it's slow, painful death before this year is over
coming down from your crystal meth
coming down from your crystal fortress
dropping the soap in the shower
that someone's about to make a Trevor the Vampire joke because I pushed enter instead of
that someone's about to make a Trevor the Vampire joke because I pushed enter instead of shift
that at this rate the
seeing "Inglourious Aspergs"
leaving the regret index, never to return
not shaving your loupgarou before that date
not shaving your ass before that hot date
boobs, vaginas, asses, and such
Irish
je suis un loupgarou
having nothing fun to read
lycanbach disliking you, you disliking lycanbach back
disliking lycanbach
lycanbach
that all your base amount too not
when your own puppets ignore you
not really wanting to date anyone again, really, you feel you could do just fine on your own, but actuarially, in order to lessen your chances of winding up destitute in a state run nursing home, you must, but you're so tired and that's a horrible reason
plagiarizing creative misspellings from students' ungraded papers your teacher ex abandoned at your pad
disliking Bach
that all your plans amount too not
that you've lived too long
that there's no glossery to the regret index
wondering wether noone will comment on regrets any more
mispelling "noone" as two words instead of one
listening to that rustling bag all night
not really knowing how it came down to this, having no one with whom to compare experience
having only your cat for company tonight
oooohhhh, livin' on a prayer
your testicles dropping
dead presidents
deflowering them on beds of nails
using the word "Kento" as a replacement for "stupid"
watching snow falling on the ocean
voting yes or no on this regret
realizing that you will never live up to your own expectations, but you've already set your expectations really low, what now
realizing that you have the most beautiful face
randomly deciding to drive four hours to see your significant other this weekend, even though you will only see them for a few hours
letting a bonafide moron yell at you and make YOU feel stupid
regrets that are unvotable
having a future in which you click "haven't done it yet" truthfully on this regret
that you are going to vote 'haven't done it yet' on this regret now
that no one comments on regrets anymore
getting in the chopper and getting chopped up
regre
not being convinced that a video of yourself masturbating would be hot
masturbating to a video of yourself mastrubating
defeathering them on beds of nails
regretcest
being a German surrealist painter whose name begins with Z or Q
drawing that Kento hentai
falling into a canyon and no one hearing
Torkoals
Turtwigs
Wartortles
knowing me
knowing yourself
wondering where the hugest dump was taken from
that apparently turtles are unregrettable, but knowing you is not
Pope Kento I
having no company on the regret index
JJ Abrams' tv hit about furries in college, "Furlicity"
trusting Hamlet
having an overabundance of scruples when you needed them least, that didn't turn out so well for you, did it
withering under an artificial time limit
your creative flow being stoppered rather than Stoppard
time's passage being so swift
being so autofocused, Bob Crane
the confessions of your dangerous mind
taking your cigar out once in a while
the most unusual place you've made whoopee
that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
associating silly wordplay with adventure games, THANKS, SIERRA
having to say you disagree with that one
having sex in an uncomfortable place
drawing that fanart of Hillary Clinton in Japanties
not having ralts as a pet anymore
writhing
intending to go to that writing colony in Iowa, but winding up in the writhing colony instead
that maggots form massive writhing colonies, therefore they're the best pets
looking for porn in all the wrong places
Cats, The Musical
not having rats as pets anymore
that rats are far better at piling up than cats, sometimes they sleep all in a heap and it's really cute
saying "How's it going" to Kento
that for some reason one of the first google image search results for "Japanties" is Hillary Clinton
that if Sting and Phil Collins dated, it would be a Phling
Pope John Paul the First or Second's encyclical depression
cynical depression
cyclical depression
CATS
that cats are clearly superior to dogs, because they are much better at piling up
confusing Sting and Phil Collins
getting fooled by the placebo
winning the Nobel Prize in Sniffing Kento's Privates
that you don't look in the right places if the majority of female porn stars you see have faces below average
that female porn stars usually have faces well below average
thinking you might have experienced brain shivers while on Paxil when you were a teen, onlyy they were more like electricity in the back of your neck, and there weren't internet discussions about them
not being sure how much of your problems can be linked to your cyclical depression, probably none and you're using it as an excuse, then again, possibly all
that with you, anxiety and guilt and depression seem to be all one big package deal
waking up to find Bob Newhart
hardly voting on regrets anymore, therefore pledging to do so more often and to spend the next fifteen minutes on it, and exhorting all others to do the same
missing school, but hoping you're in a less chaotic situation for grad school
that it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for, we'll never find it because it's not even there
that you find yourself repeating "it doesn't matter" without really knowing what you mean by "it"
that it seems you can either stay off antidepressants and retain the anxiety that makes it hard for you to develop intimate relationships, or you can go on antidepressants and almost completely lose your sex drive
being so astonishingly stupid, seriously all you're doing here is hurting yourself and alienating your friends, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, by the way this is an autobiographical regret so don't feel I mean you with it
that sphincters prove effective in the mediation of the entrance or release of liquids and fluids
having at least three sphincters on your face
that all your agentfiftyseven are belong to us
waking up to find that the whole Regret Index was just a dream, a horrible, wonderful dream
thinking it's kind of funny that the reason you don't hurt yourself isn't that you don't want to hurt yourself but because you're afraid of making people even more pissed off at you than they already are
interpreting an ellipsis to always mean something sinister
misusing the phrase "begging the question"!
that while in your youth porn production might've seemed an easy racket, drug trafficking seems less people intensive or messy, and you seriously hate scotchguarding your furniture
becoming a midwestern mescalero
not having the patience to cultivate peyote
that your new "chewing gum" will be green and stem riddled, and make you sharp and focused, if a trifle verbose, begging the question "What's the difference"
ordering those coca seeds from an online supplier via anonymous MoneyGram but shipping them to a friend's address unbeknownst to him so if he gets busted it won't be linked to you, raising the question of how to retrieve said seeds if the ruse succeeds
becoming a psychonaut
unequal opportunity
non oppressive camaraderie
subjectivity
chocolate cheesecakes laced with cream
cranberries crushed into a juice
stories about elves and unicorns
small damselflies that grow from nymphs
Isaac Newton's third law of motion
the first digit of pi
rivers and oceans on the Earth
Pope John Paul the first or second
Easter Sunday in the Spring
a two nested pair with just two numbers
a four sided square
a perfect circle
something that doesn't exist
something that exists
not kissing all those horses before finally accepting you weren't into bestiality
licking out a feminist
being IMMUNE to my INSIDIOUS efforts to INFLAME you
whacking marrow
that agentfiftyseven suddenly turned plural
your asexual conquests
wearying rapidly of your life
that agentfiftyseven and rachel are cool for their combination of wit and integrity
letting yourself be fridged
that agentfiftyseven are like two snakes wrapping around the plane on the poster of Snakes on a Plane
that agentfiftyseven are two sides of the same sexy coin
being a feminist on the regret index
becoming internetfemale in order to better balance the regret index's gender ratio
really hating it when people describe others as someone's sexual conquest
shedinja ikari
naming your daycare ditto Rachel
the long winters
that you always preferred Gardevoir to Alakazam
LARPing
baking bread
getting a yeast infection in your vulva
wanting to feel my bones on your bones
having crazy legs and amazing head
wanting to write more lady themed regrets, but as you are the only openly female regret regular you can think of off the top of your head beside rachel, who either lurks most of the time or shows up a few times a month, knowing they wouldn't be anonymous
that Oh Sweet God, Japanties is a THING
not really having thought about Googling "Japanties", brb
being a social experiment, nothing more
Drew Allison Carey not having a single boy's name
Jeffrey Dean Morgan caring about you
Jeffrey Dean Morgan having no last name
that the large orange cat regretter is, in fact, a large orange cat who refers to itself in the third person, meow
Rome, if you want to, Rome around the world
that Rachel knows ALL your secrets
that in the Orient, little schoolgirls wear Japanties
asking for a subtle movie, and getting a subtitled movie instead
naming your HM slave Kento
rome rome rome rome
that here it is, your moment of zen
learning that according to dictionary dot com, a frown is a contraction of the brow, and doesn't imply that the corners of the mouth turn downward, EMOTICONS LIE
caring about Jeffery Dean Morgan
trying to force happiness on yourself
mistaking RANDOM SHITTY ACTOR NOBODY CARES ABOUT for ANOTHER RANDOM SHITTY ACTOR NOBODY CARES ABOUT
writing kind of generic regrets, and worrying that they may be read as being pointed
not having really any food in the house, not wanting to buy new food because you are moving soon
that you are the Apparently Drunk or Dyslexic Bandit, but it's not actually drunkeness or dyslexia, you just typo more when you're full of rage
the Apparently Drunk or Dyslexic Bandit
that it would be completely amazing if two people who hated it each other in person found the regret index independantly and really liked each other here
mistaking Javier Bardem for Jeffery Dean Morgan for Robert Downey Junior
being a tar baby
mistaking Javier Bardem for Jeffery Dean Morgan
that for a second you mistook Brad Garrett for Jeffery Dean Morgan, which is really wrong
that Ray
being designed with a revolutionary new shape
being niggardly
that every man wants a tramp, no wonder you girls aren't married
that every man wants a tramp, no wonder you girls aren
feeling irrational like all the time
wanting to punch them in their stupid face, I mean really, you've never wanted to puch someone this bad except for your motherin those stress dreams you've had
that horrible person you know hvaing plenty of relationship because they are hot, at least they don't seem to last very long because, as you mentioned, they are a horrible person
that it can't rain all the time
playing fetch with your cat
that your hoodie smells like wood smoke and you never want that to change
people telling you about past conquests, and not being able to tell if it's an attempt to impress you, like some sort of sexual resume, or because they see you as essentially sexless
that Brandon Lee was like the Heath Ledger of the Nineties, only you know, not as famous
forgetting that Ernie Hudson was in The Crow
Kento's unnatural dislike of pedophiles bumping the interesting music discussion from the recent comments list
the PedoFiles
creating a website to attract all of the pedofiles and then sending it to the moon
K e n t o l i k e s w a l r u s e s
dating a cutter
thinking it's high to too
that if you ever have money, you are going to have a second childhood to put Michael Jackson's to shame
accidentally the whole at once
the peace of westFAILia hey fourchan do i fit in now hey what about child porn
Buridan's ass
thinking it's high to
reading an entire book at once without stopping
heardy hurdy hoidy derp de lobsters
being a Swedish chef
being more than optimally sized for making porn
having a mobile screen less than optimally sized for viewing porn
heterological regrets
that DVDs with commentary tracks, trailers, featurettes and "making of" documentaries take you four or five days to watch, but you want the next one NOW!!!!!!
the Mpemba effect
that the days of the amateur scientist making worldchanging discoveries are over
going to the "list of unsolved problems" Wikipedia page and getting to work
raping lolita in hot tub in Tehran
singing in Tehran
playing Pokemon Quartz
that the scene where the Skeksis drained the Podling terrified you
watching The Dark Crystal
how wonderfully fucked up The Muppet Show was
keeping me in your heart for a while
that Kento reminds you more of Robert Smith than Thom Yorke
confusing ELO and ELP
still being unable to listen to For What it's Worth without thinking of Muppets
being an island
being a rock
wondering if Rowlf's Rhapsodies ever came out on DVD, you can still visualize that whole Windmills of my Mind bit
taking two bodies and twirling them into one, their hearts and their bones, so they don't come undone
seeing The Bangles in concert when you were like seven
no one knowing what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes
seeing Simon and Dylan in concert
that you never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground
your guitar gently weeping
that usually artists being dickheads in real life doesn't keep you from liking their music, except for Bono, that guy just really bothers you for some reason
that that video for End of the Line, with the empty chair where Roy would be, makes you really sad
just really loving the idea behind the Traveling Wilburys
that losing love is like a window in your heart, everybody sees you're blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow
that you always preferred Pete to Ringo
coming back to tell me you're gone, as if I didn't know that, as if I didn't know my own bed
that your epididymis is showing
that your epidermis is showing
that you always preferred Peter to Phil
making a plushie of the baby from Eraserhead
the Regret Index bringing up all this music you don't have access to right now
that songs by The Killers remind you more of the show Supernatural than they probably should
oh my god Boxing Helena, what a piece of crap
boxing Helena
your eyes giving you away
that you don't have to live like a refugee
that the word Garfunkel is not in the dictionary
that despite his public image, John Lennon was pretty much a complete heartless asshole to everyone around him by almost all accounts
rubber ducky being the one
saying Oooooooooooooo and everybody here knows exactly what you're talking about
torrenting some songs you already have bought, because you can't use the protected version on your phone and anyway, they're chilling on your external drive at home
that Sesame Street reminds you in many ways of Saturday Night Live, in that they're both classic genre defining shows that have been overshadowed by superior competition at every phase of their existence, yet their fame makes people assume they're best
that putting diamonds on the soles of your shoes is totally impractical because nobody will see them and they'll just fall off anyway
having some real estate here in your bag
that you loved The Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock while you were growing up, but don't remember watching much Sesame Street
believing you're gliding down the highway when in fact you're slip sliding away
trying to get some sleep, but those motel walls are cheap
that though your lack of education hasn't hurt you none, you can read the writing on the wall
that yo' mama loves you, she loves you, she gets down on her knees and hugs you, and she loves you like a rock
denying the obvious, child
Cara Carabowditbowdit
adding a Garfunkel related regret to the old index, and remembering you misspelled Garfunkel, but not what the regret was about
putting the funk in Garfunkel
that you don't feel you could love me but I feel you could
mishearing lyrics but preferring your version after you find out how they really go
that the Paul Simon Bandit's work always overshadowed that of the Garfunkel Vigilante
saying "breakdowns come and breakdowns go so, what are you going to do about it, that's what I'd like to know"
wondering who the other Paul Simon Bandit is
that you never had Bookends when you were a kid, and thus never formed that early affection for it and continue to not like it as much as the other four albums even to this day, even though many critics consider it their best
probably being able to name the five albums most influential to you in your childhood right now
having that discussion in a taxi going downtown
island gigantism
knowing what you know, saying what you say
being biologically immortal
dying in a closet with one end of a string tied around your neck and the other end around your penis
following your rimjob joke with a rimshot
thinking of writing your own Gilmore Girls slash fanfic, 'ceptin' it's been ages since you last saw the show, and you're sure it'll turn out tongue in cheek anyway, although maybe tonguing cheeks is a good thing, a snare and two cymbals fall off a cliff
that the actress who played Po the Teletubby was in a show where she performed oral sex on another woman
that your traveling companion is nine years old
wondering whether you can include S&G lyrics in the Paul Simon meme, or if it's limited to just solo stuff
hopping on the bus, Gus
you and josquin down by the schoolyard
getting a stuffed panda from Farrah Fawcett
that you earwax has such a high mineral content
reading "erotic" fanfiction that was clearly written by someone who has absolutely no idea how to get into a woman's pants, let alone what to do when he gets there, and who learned all he knows about female anatomy from other similarly pathetic writers
deducing pleasure
inducing pleasure
posting a thread and forgetting about it until it's dead
that your transcriptions of sad song lyrics cast a "Paul" over the Regret Index, get it, "Paul"
that you're just josquin des pres
just eating josquin
that we are in the same game
Antifa
SWEET CRAP ON A CRACKER
that it seems strange to say, you've never been laid so low in such a mysterious way, and the course of a lifetime runs over and over again
having to get back, back to the past
that what the mama saw, it was against the law
that solipsism is its own reward
using the porno name Annie Septic
now wait a ho chi minute
not being able believe you're still in Saigon
that you're just josquin
having a picture of a rainbow wigged glam rocker zebra centaur in your living room
your sweet lord
wondering whether punk will someday lap itself and develop punkpunk
hating cyberpunk specifically, and all the various whateverpunks in general
you an Julio down by the school yard
watching Aeon Flux the show, I mean it really made no sense, and still you love it
kneading Kendough
listening to josquin's mille regretz while browsing the regret index
hoping it's amazing
eating swan breasts
rather thinking that you're saving your life than trying to please the SS
eating the Women Of The SS
smiling at little children and having them be horrified by the chaos in your moath
Kento feeling kind of spongy to you
eating the Women Of The SS bandit
commenting on this regret
knowing somebody who liked Battlefield Earth
watching Aeon Flux the movie, OMFG
R E G R E T, finding out what it means to me
writing a song about Paul Simon
that pandas don't eat eucalyptus
trusting photographer Jane
that all your swans have been real gone
going to Ohio and meating Kento Ikeda in the Kenton Ikea
not adopting enough orphans to carry out your tasks
realizing Jon Anderson of Yes is a fourchanner, "How can the wind with its arms all around me," how can the wind WHAT, Jon Anderson!
suffocating that vampyres physician in the flour mill
wanting to call photographer Jane again, you always got along before, during and after things ended, and she amused you, and you need someone to take to a movie premiere, but you know you'll make a move on her, and you'd rather not risk getting shot down
keeping on regrettin' in the free world
that you're so vain, I'll bet you think this regret is about you
remembering all of the memed names from the old Regret Index but not knowing any of the new
not knowing what to do with all the little bits of string you've saved from your tea bags, maybe it's time to hold mouse executions, but they have done no wrong, still, the wheels of justice must prevail lest the system be questioned
playing bongos and mutter "Ring a ding ding" because you like shiny caps and string
that all your Ronald Griggs should be thrown in the brig
asking Emily Hutter to "Bring me the butter!"
that Lisa Allarde Johnson ate pizza with Charles Bronson
that all your Suzi Finers have been social climbers
that all your Breslins are unindicted felons
that all your cellists have been real jealous
that all your exes live in Texas
eating a lurker
eating tied to the wall by a Woman Of The SS
eating a Woman Of The SS
being a Woman Of The SS
that you always have a bitch to lick your boots, and that sometimes you have a bitch to lick your pussy too
being tied to the wall by a Woman Of The SS
The Last Unicorn COLON the book about regret
that you know it makes you a bad person, but you kind of hope that this is causing her anxiety, and you kind of hope she'll sink and burn
regrets getting in the way of your regret
that with that last regret, you probably opened up a world of creepy comments
the Women Of The SS
not understanding thr draw of anal sex, i mean that's where poop is stored, gross
trying to have sex through the back door, but the screen getting in the way
not not murdering an unexcessive number of high school teachers when you had the chance
not murdering hardly any high school teachers when you had the chance
that you will never know my identity, muahahaha!
not realizing until you searched just now how often you've mentioned your heavy orange cat
not gaining all that weight after college when you had the chance
wondering who the regretter with the large orange cat is
that the regrettes may not post about exes AS much, but they post about "crushes" a great deal more
having Bette Davis eyes
food, folks, and fun
making sweet, sticky love to Emily Hutter multiple times, including a couple times through the back door, the night she broke up with that dude
oh noes, accidentally following a thread and reading Rory Gilmore and Lorelai Gilmore slash fanfic, I mean, you knew it'd be out there, and the accident was no "accident", but still, now you have to go beat off for an aeon
having no exes, only whys
lubing Looper
choreographing the I Ching
composing with chance procedures
lubing a looker
being a lurker
being a looker
having swine flu
bottlefeeding emilx to the baby emanx
maggie eating Emily Hutter
not marrying Emilx Hutter, naked and petrified
that the male regrettors write extensively about exgirlfriends, but the regrettes never write about exboyfriends
writing Megan Breslin slash Emily Hutter slash slim double D cup national merit scolar fanfiction
groping a walrus
Suzie Finer not marrying Lisa Allarde Johnson when she had the chance
groping a griping Eskimo
asking a virgin if she is your friend
groping an eskimo
not marrying Megan Breslin when you had the chance
being sorry for kind of feeling Kento
apotheosis
not being able to watch any of the Star Wars prequel actors in any other work without wincing, and that includes you, Liam Neeson
selling Natalie Portman, naked and petrified
not marrying Emily Hutter when you had the chance
that sometimes you like the things you've written, sometimes they make you cringe
listening to the same song several times today
putting your back on me
being alone late at night or early in the morning
being alone late at night or early in the morning on the regret index
sleeping on a pillow of solid rock
that having been adored and blowing it really really sucks big time
having saved Emily's love note to you from long ago, as a scanned jpeg you can browse from your phone, stumbling across it unexpectedly from time to time and realizing nobody will love you like that ever again
being so gassy right now
thinking that comic four two one is the funniest dinosaur comic
talking to me, God
FUCKING SHIT!
thinking this regret belongs in the regret index hall of fame
thinking this is a good or wel written or funny regret
paying two months of her rent
usavich
buying a loaf of bread and letting it become the greenest, soggiest, foulest smelling pile of filthy mess you've ever encountered
getting faceraped
Sometimes getting David Lynch and Richard Linklater mixed up
leg pressing one thousdand pounds
that the regret index needs more David Lynch references
crapping on her
wondering what most people would do if they found a slightly used condom on the sidewalk
drinking delicious lemonade and popping cherries
that we've met before, at your house
rambo stats
being at your house
not liking cameras
that what you call hell Rambo calls home
breaking your vagina bone
taking it up
that yo face is busted
taking the Emmy Awards seriously, OMFG
asking why
aviation
electronica being putrid
that the Devil is in the details
that Family Guy got nominated for an Emmy OMFG
that a bird in the hand gathers no moss
rolling forever
gathering no moss
relaxing your throat muscles and taking it deep inside you
believing yourself so smart anyone who disagrees with you must be stupid, evil, or brainwashed
assuming that anyone who has a different opinion on issue than you doesn't understand the issue fully
funk
electronica
being putrid
eating that putrid mutton curry
busting a move
finding that slim blond double D cup national merit scholar cellist's facebook, to find she is even slimmer and bustier now
that there were explosions outside earlier today for some reason
capturing the Long Tailed Regret in a pokeball
talking to me, Kento
how close you live to two middle schools and a high school, seriously, and one of them is for disabled kids, which equals gullible, trusting and love starved, amirite
not having seen the new Michael Moore film yet
being tempted by coffee but your ten cup a day habit was not doing a good number on your skin, yet your new killer tea, which you suspect is harvested by rogue Peruvian cocaleros, must be popping free radicals faster than popcorn from the heart of the sun
mating with Russel Brand, matey
mating your brands
branding your mates
not buying this new green tea, which evidently has a MUCH higher caffeine content than your last brand, sooner
the Unlikely But Very Specific and Curiously Long Regret Bandit capturing the long tail of Regret by dint of statistical anomaly and specificity
the long tail of Regret
the Unlikely But Very Specific and Curiously Long Regret Bandit
being more troubled by your waistband's being manufactured from rendered pangolin sinew than by the voluminous quantities of pangolin you consume each day, thus necessitating the slacking, or easing, of said pangolin comprised waistband
hatching a scheme
wishing you had money to collocate remote servers purchased through a shell corporation registered in a state not requiring a corporate identifier in Nevada trailers, through which, via access through TOR, you would access Amazon's "Web Services", teehee
having your desires kindled by an amazon
that Amazon keeps dropping the price on the Kindle you don't want but not on the Kindle you do want
the amount of misinformation surrounding the Roman Polanski case, also, people's general ignorance of how the law works
scorching your cashews
being unable to see the word "its", or "it's", anymore without thinking it's wrong, REGARDLESS of whether it's actually used correctly, ALL BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET
eating a butty
being a butty
when low is lowless
needing to be tied up so that you can feel scared
not having been scared for years
being the sort of person who would enjoy being forced to watch fox news all day long with their mouth duct taped shut while being tied to the bed
eating the sort of person who would enjoy having their mouth duct taped shut
eating the sort of person who would enjoy being tied to the bed
being the sort of person who would enjoy being tied to the bed
being the sort of person who would enjoy having their mouth duct taped shut
thinking things were getting better
wondering how Kento can have any issues with being insecure, seeing as being himself is basically what he's all about
eating peanut shells
Ken Toe
clubbing
giving a blubberjob
trusting Kento
tusking Kento
that Kento would look HAWT with a walrus mustache and a beret
being the walrusiest guy on the planet
winning the AVN Award for Most Outrageous Sex Scene Squirt Gangbang
busting myths
working with animals or children
Madison Young
Ariel X
buying Kerrek a cold one
getting ye flask
dating a single mom
ken
boning
kind of feeling sorry for Kento
tapping that
that Kento is like twenty two or something
that you would like to be able to comment on Bruce Springsteen's songwriting ability, but you've never been able to make out a thing he's said
not knowing how old Kento is
That you can kind of understand why Springsteen gets so much shit, since he's easily self parody at this point, but you really just can't help but like most of his music
a man of unusual humor, consistently finding strange, and lewd comments amusing and or entertaining in a way as to prevoke violent and uncontrolled outbursts of laughter
never having visited the regret index
asking a girl if she had a boyfriend
putting sugar in your pho
ordering a tossed salad but it wasn't tossed thoroughly enough so you had to ask the waitress to toss your salad again
SORE! SORE!
that women find your chiseled good looks, fantastic wealth, and enormous penis so intimidating
seriously though
feeling like your two consecutive but unrelated regrets might have been taken as context for eachother, and man, that's REALLY not what you were trying to imply
that! huh! okay! dude!
feeling like this is awesome
wondering why anyone would even THINK of holding a DVD case up to their penis
pointing matt to regret number one four three six eight
that it's just Bruce Springsteen
getting that definition on a mug
that the urbandictionary definitions are overwhelmingly flattering for some reason
listening to tsukushi
attending Full Sail University
HotForCooking on youtube
only just now remembering that you used the pot last night, but now you really don't want to flush it
saying WHAT! WHAT!
that time you were in that slim double D cup national merit scolar's dorm room and her roommate pulled her pajama bottoms down exposing her downy flaxen pubes, and you just sat there pretending you didn't see anything because you were a straight girl
a giant Koalmageddon, eating his dread apocalyptus leaf
that time you were in that slim double D cup national merit scolar's dorm room and her roommate playfully pulled her pajama bottoms down briefly exposing her downy flaxen pubes, and you just sat there pretending you didn't see anything
being raised by crazy people who led you to think you were crazy while they were sane, surrounded by wrongdoers out to get them, leading you to have not only no confidence in your perceptions of self and others, but social and financial handicaps as well
eating lychee with Nietzsche and mispronouncing both
that Nietzsche really sucks, almost as much as people who don't know how to pronounce his name
Lydia Lunch being called Lydia Lunch because she used to steal lunch for her fellow squatters
watching the Breakfast Club with Lydia Lunch
that prior to the modern age, the more accepting a society was of male male homosexuality, the more oppresive it was towards women
collecting dust
wondering if any of you has heard the joke about time travel
sucking her left one until she had a breastgasm
eating Bikini Kill but still wanting revolution, GRRRL STYLE NOW
being Bikini Kill, and wanting revolution, GRRRL STYLE NOW!
Suck! My! Left! One!
sucking her left one
Lydia fucking Lunch
Lydia Lunch
letting Billy draw the strip today
that Rebel Girl's the queen of your world
that Gore Vidal is so arrogant he believes that his mere imagining something makes it true
being so hard on the Beaver
feeling you could save your alma mater from the unlikely clutches of an onslaught of homeless discredited neocons, yet not having time to act on your beliefs, as you're barely able to break the surface of the imbroglios in which you are yourself drowning
not really believing that Jack Kerouac fellated Gore Vidal, nor that Jack Kerouac may have been bisexual, yet being unwilling to brand Gore Vidal a liar
Whale Jesus
saving the whale whores
suddenly remembering something from your childhood, but not enough to search about it and confirm that it's an actual memory and not something false
telling fourchan your farfetched sexy stories, because they're unbelievable to you now that you're mellower, and having embellished things as a youth, people are disinclined to believe your interesting tales, but in an anonymous forum you are trusted
getting pizza in your mouth
that at least seventy percent of this symbolism happened on accident, how the hell does it work so damned well
clearing Kento's name
being made to clean your womb once a month
being with beards over babies
wondering why using a whore isn't also sexist at least
being the saved whales
saving the eaten whales
eating the saved whales
dying and finding yourself greeted by the Virgin Prunes in Paradise
that it doesn't matter, this is new radio!
Riot Grrrl in general
Heavens to Betsy
Free Kitten
Sleater Kinney
Bratmobile
Team Dresch
Bikini Kill
being so excited, you just can't hide it
how Randayn those seventy two raisins made you
dying and finding yourself greeted the the Virgin Prunes in Paradise
dying and finding yourself greeted by seventy two raisins in Paradise
that you absolutely love vegetarians and vegans, whether or not they're preaching against your evil meat eating ways
watching MTV to familiarise yourself with current popular music, because you don't know any of it and it's culturally significant atm, and hating it all but persevering in your research and finding one band that you like and they're called The Ting Tings
seeing your offspring's mom naked
having a refrigerator containing only champagne and Brie
being a poem
genitalizations about married couples
eating a poem
kind of wanting to write a novel, and then accidentally having it turn into a semiautobiographical allegory
wondering if the matt you sometimes see here is matt holland, who makes awesome music
asexual intercourse
that you don't have a problem with vegitarians and vegans until they start to preach at you, which is pretty much how you feel about religious fanatics as well
social intercourse
roamin' Polanski
being a Strand Monster
seeing someone's monster naked
that killing and eating animals is as fucked up as killing and eating human fetuses, since both are subhuman creatures and adult apes are smarter than fetuses
fridging the Roman Polanski Bandit
that there's ANOTHER urban dictionary entry about you
writing Scrooge McDuck slash Roman Polanski unbirth fanfiction
wondering when level ten of stinkoman will come out
being an anabaptist analrapist
not knowing what Kento did to so piss off the SomethingAwful forums
not understanding why people would think the family that you don't choose is important
needing to deal with family shit before you address just basically taking care of yourself, falling further and further behind your peers every decade, and the family not only keeps piling on shit, but criticizes you for not being able to deal with both
that your life has never been simple, never
being in so much pain from dysmenorrhea that you can neither do something useful nor go to sleep
staring into the abyss
asking a ninja
inventing peanut butter
sing tfu
converting to Christianity just so you can believe that Roman Polanski will spend eternity being soddomized by a demon with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire
reminding the Index that while having sex under the influence of drugs is not ALWAYS rape, providing those drugs, especially drugs that impair judgement and reasoning, is certainly pretty fucking strong evidence of intent to rape
asking Ashley
asking rachel
disagreeing with things
that the only consensual sex is at noon after both people have slept at least nine hours the previous night, neither have consumed any drugs during the past fortyeight hours, and they have dedicated a full hour to their decision to have sex
realizing that your reconjugations of common internet acronyms probably don't make any sense to people not expecting them
ring ofl
ling ol
bing bs
bing rb
being a worthless sack of rat vomit
that "the girl told me she was eighteen" is about as good a defense as "the cop told me she was a prostitute"
reminding the Index that having sex under the influence of drugs is ALWAYS rape unless you agreed to have sex before becoming intoxicated, as consent under impaired judgment isn't consent at all
marrying your stepdaughter
blaming the victim
that Roman Polanski's guilt in raping a child has already been established in not one but TWO court cases, and that he is currently wanted for failure to take the punishment for those verdicts
eating a chicken fetus
not understanding how there can even be any controversy about whether it is moral to rape a thirteen year old girl
raping that confused, stupid, naive thirteen year old girl in the hot tub, paying her for her silence, then trying to paint her as a moneygrabbing liar
hitting on women at your dead wife's funeral, and by the way, screw you RP
kind of being unpopular YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF RAT VOMIT
kind of being unpopular
Allison Iraheta being voted off American Idol YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF RAT VOMIT
marvin gaye porn
bering straight porn
going straight home
tricking a straight guy into dating another straight guy YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF RAT VOMIT
saying "oh no!!!"
that even if the statute of limitations on the brutal rape have expired, there's still the issue of fleeing prosecution for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF RAT VOMIT
that you put the "sensual" in nonconsensual sex
that Roman Polanski admitted the sex wasn't consensual
falling in love so hard it knocked all the fillings out of your teeth
that time that girl bit you SO HARD
having chard in your cul
that though there should probably be a statute of limitation on the Roman Polanski case, you find it a stretch to believe a thirteen year old girl could be mistaken for someone of eighteen, so even supposing the sex was consensual, it was still illegal
that though you agree there should probably be a statute of limitation on the
having chaud au cul
searching for something that returned a lot of porny results that you didn't expect it to, while you are at work
being chaud au cul
POKEY THE PENGUIN
knowing that the reason you don't want to kiss anyone is because there's only one person in the world that you could tolerate kissing
saying "so long!" and then realising you love her
taking SO LONG to realise you love her
inverting a fugue and getting really weird keys, then realising that you'll have to resort to ridiculous enharmonic relations just to keep in the right key for the variation
tasty,,,,, delicious,,,,, spam
not realising you were in love with someone until it was too late
putting that mirror in the other mirror and finding out too late that there's a violinist and a pianist watching you
painting a moustache on that girl's face, but it getting removed by the authorities until some guy in the twentieth century finds the original notes, but then he changes the title to LHOOQ
keeping on flying in spite of that fish you saw and OUCH it bites your head off
taking a photo of yourself as a woman, but suddenly realising that your fake name is an embarrassing pun
realising that the girl you love probably was interested in you, but now it's too late
that a person's personal philosophy is the main reason you should hate a person, because everything else is shallow
people who misuse the word "hopefully" as a sentence adverb meaning "I hope that"
that her insane beauty stopped you from realising you loved her for so long
not realising the extent of the antivandalism network on wikipedia
something about tongue sevrance and voting for a cure album
that you and I are walking like a shadow
not taking the hugest dump
eating made of meet
eating made of meat
being made of meet
being made of meat
all that steamy nudity with that friend of yours who has a significant other
moving in with your ex while they had another significant other
moving in with your ex
meating the dreaming faces of the sea and the moon
meeeting the dreaming faces of the sea and the moon
checking the hands of the watch for time, for time
seeing how around them the children would lie, then watching them rush into sleep, like butterflies die
seeing a light dreaming over the sea, with such light playing on its beauty
that this train's going to hell
that Pentagram was blocking your ears with torn light
thinking you were listening to the radio at night
walking like a shadow
that we all speak unknown languages to each other, we're all half dead
losing yourself and dreaming of worlds that lie between their fingers and hide behind their eyes, and dreaming of forests, and forts of snow, where you may kneel and hold each other in your still young arms
the shade on your face dappling the deep fires of your eyes
that everything you have tried to say came out confused
that time when Someone Bright appeared and said "Your time is Mine!"
that YOU GOTTA GO TO HELL ON THE BLACK DIAMOND TRAIN
that it's only time that lies between us
that when i crossed that sea is not known when i crossed that sea is not known when i crosssed that ssea is not known when i crossssed that sssea is not know whe n i crossde that seeaa is notkn own when ik crosseddd tha seeeaa issn otkn wonn
disintegrating
skipping three grades
the SENTIENT REGRET INDEX bandit
Coming To Play, My Lord
being drugged then orally, vaginally, and anally raped by Roman Polanski as you begged him to stop, even though you were only thirteen
drinking your own breast milk
wonderfalls
chasing rainbows
chasing waterfalls
suave
rico
that Thomas Crapper invented the ballcock
Thomas Crapper
giving Kento a Glasgow smile
gavage
putrefaction
Kenthom Yorkeda
tONEm
seriously not understanding why you're not an alcoholic, maybe it's just because you never started, but you seriously fit the personality type so perfectly
seeing the leprechaun
making a mockudramedy
making a mockudrama
going beyond Thunderdome
having a swiss army kni
sometimes getting motion sickness when you're sitting perfectly still
eating Campbell's Chunky soup
sending someone a note on Facebook, you hope that someone got it
that the previous regret should have said yorecraft, not warcraft, oops
that the ads for world of warcraft would be a fullscreen popup ad with just a huge closeup of a vagina with "serf the net" under it
using ghee as an intimate lubricant
continuing to fridge Not A Good Lawyer
all those tritones
continuing to crush Lisa Allarde Johnson
calling it your "instrument"
practicing your "instrument"
Paul Bunyanchips
that you're making an mmorpg about the middle ages called world of yorecraft, and its slogan is "serf the net"
not eating my shorts
continuing to crush on Susan Sto Helit
touching your eye after cutting Brian Peppers
fridging Brian Peppers
crushing on Susan Sto Helit when you were like eight
watching that DVD of Ordo Virtutum
join free hot facebook of get ripped credit rating sex sex money earn lots hello bride from russia with a KITCHEN SINK
eating Everyman
being Everyman
eating an entire generation of people who think that World of Warcraft is genuine social interaction
alienating every attractive person you meet by only listening to harsh noise
that there is an entire collection of people growing up who doesn't actually care about genuine social interaction
Reading "Schoenberg and his School" by Leibowitz
having a tone row and not being afraid to use it
that you are LITERALLY a serialist tone row
that there is an entire collection of people growing up who thinks that regret is genuine social interaction
having a manly manly smile on your driver's license photo
tickling a sub into dating another sub by telling them to do as they're told
tricking a dominant into dating another dominant by telling both of them that the other was a sub
tickling a straitjacket into dating another straitjacket
that one time they put Merzbow on primetime MTV
fuckingmachines dot com
being first pleasured, then tortured, then killed by a machine
that there is an entire generation growing up who thinks that World of Warcraft is genuine social interaction
eating pudding
enjoying music although you strongly disagree with the politics associated with that music
being the being bandit
not being able to tell whether the neofolk scene is filled with fascists, racists, and nazis, or if that's just their schtick
trusting Kaycee Nicole
people is sometimes kind
being a long haired double D cup half chinease national merit scolar
not tactfully slipping a breathmint to that slim double D cup blond national merit scolar cellist when you had the chance
listening to Adult Contemporary music
popping a really satisfying zit first thing in the morning
that weird Japanese eyepatch fetish
interacting socially
having a dream in which you were a fetus
honestly kind of admiring Kento
masturbation on a live polemon
that you are LITERALLY a neoclassical pastiche
the tongue severance bandit
letting that person get away with cheating just because they were cheating with you and you didn't like their significant other very much
having easy listening nightmares
Nurse With Wound
that you walrus hurt the one you love
masturbatin on a dead pokemon
igotyouamaneatingpit dot com
not finnishing college
killing Buddha on the road
that nobody bought the rights to your Walrusman superhero
pushing that button that gave you a million dollars but killed one person on the planet chosen at random
sometimes wishing you'd never been born at all
pulling the trigger, now he's dead
that it doesn't matter anyway
not really getting what Kento has in common with Thom Yorke, other than being despised on somethingawful
that you always thought he was a strict Christian back in school, which was the only thing that kept you from really crushing on him, and now you realise he was just really deadpan
pissing on Aaliyah
that the Regret Index is like some isolated corner of Appalachia, where a small but fertile community of memes has no choice but to rapidly inbreed, each generation becoming more troglodytic and defective than the previous
having your kidney stolen by Jewish organ thieves
that you would like to correct this person on their assumption that one must have done something kinky to get herpes, specifically of the eye, so that's probably not what is ailing them, but you don't want it to come off as "no, you're probably screwed"
that Kento broke up with someone once
that flowers sometimes smell like garbage
apostrophe s
having done it yet
that all meme's point to you
that you've been called an asian thom yorke and also you were the guy who won the pringles can award so it's weird to see those meme's merge
winning Most Likely to Get Your Balls Stuck in a Beartrap with seventeen votes because you're Thom Yorke
getting your balls caught in a beartrap and screaming for help, but nobody cared because you're Thom Yorke
getting your balls caught in a beartrap and screaming for help, but nobody thought anything was wrong because you're Thom Yorke
getting beat up by Prince
getting pissed on by that dude from Phish
the phantom of the OP
getting pissed on by Chuck Berry
getting pissed on by R Kelly
eating all of the tortilla chips and all of the cheese dip
playing The Vermont Trail
that time in third grade when you did a report on Iraq and you had to make a flag, but you couldn't draw five pointed stars so you made six pointed star instead, so you ended up making an Iraqi flag with three stars of David on it
being an origamist
wondering if there's subtle tactful way to slip a breath mint to a really hot girl who's never seen a dentist in her life before you make out, not that you've made out, as the visible fog of corpse breath wafting from her is highly dissuasive
that 'N Sync sounds pretty much exactly like, say, Rihanna to you
not honestly understanding the difference between boy bands and "serious" pop and or R and B groups
thinking you were trying to relate the job to your interests, but what they heard was that you weren't interested in making a career out of sorting goods, which is true but is that really a career anyhow
that you try to be honest and good, but people want you to tell them what they want to hear, so you try that but you end up telling them the wrong thing
that you can't watch the Where the Wild Things Are trailer without tearing up
our bodies getting bigger but our hearts getting torn up
that oregon and vomit have a lot in common for some reason and you're trying to figure out why
reading the wooo!pedia article on the amazing regret index
that oregon and vermont have a lot in common for some reason and you're trying to figure out why
wondering if a person from vermont is called a vermonster
winning the first place for Bitch Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of a Pussy with seventeen votes
realizing someone's emotions plateau at self interest and you've wasted two decades of your life trying to change that
using the nickname "CD Ron" for years and years, but now nobody uses CD ROMs anymore so nobody gets it
your walrus song
your weird pussy that your weird bitch keeps trying to eat
wanting to be the very best like noone ever was
putting all those swans on layaway
getting dressed up every weekend as if you had somewhere to go, wandering around near old haunts, hostilely blowing off attempts to converse with you, buying a sixpack and going home to change back into smelly jammies and get drunk and watch DVDs alone
you English she broken hurrr
having had at least one but usually two of your regrets commented upon in the inaptly named "Recent Comments" section for two months now, leading you to conclude either the prince of regrets or have contributed an inordinately large proportion of them
breaking up with a girl because she didn't believe you when you said your cookie recipe was better with shortening than with butter
that the pokemon theme song is the only song that isn't like a classic kids song that you know how to sing all the way through
that medicine is magical and magical is art
that every generation sends a hero up the pop charts
taking his head off the wall, and firing two warning shots, ten times
that he ran into your knife, he ran into your knife ten times
taking the shotgun off the wall and firing two warning shots, into his head
firing two warning shots, into his head
that some men just can't handle their arsenic
not minding your own bismuth
piledriving Miss Daisy
driving Miss Daisy
going to that movie alone
having a long torso
being unable to continue wearing your hat if you must wear headphones
Purchasing the Garfield Videogame
the life of liberal arts education
being considered by some to be a herbal remedy for treating herpes and allergies
trying to eat titty fruit
all of the fruits you haven't had an opportunity to try yet
forgetting to buy candied ginger at the store, and it's not a big deal, but man you waaaant some
the death of liberal arts education
unsnapping his skullcap, and between his ears finding a gap, but figuring he'll be all right
dancing with yourself
your pen is exploding
mountains coming out of the sky and standing there
shoplifting
making a joke based on an intentional typo but ruining it with an unintentional typo
having an angry inch
staying up all night with an irish wolverine
typing "your" instead of "you're"
using "your my density" as a pickup line, i'm so sorry, rachel
that as a single guy without a lot of resources you might not be able to adopt
staying out all night, requiring you to basically pull an "all nighter" and stay up all day all groggy on your day off so you won't screw up your sleep cycle for Monday
coming home to a full apartment but a fundamentally empty life
waking up feeling randayn
taking a swan dive
your swan song
killing it with fire
screwing Andy
having sex with Andy
not going further with a good idea
Tears of a Swan
that District Nine is the Crash of scifi
a search for a certain regret
not having regular internet access for more than a month because your laptop is screwed up
quickly tiring of hearing about Kento's penis
that your penis is big that instead of a foreskin you have a fiveskin
seven people taking a ride, six bachelors and their bride
using an exclamation mark where you shouldn't, which causes the reader to raise his voice at the end of the sentence because he didn't expect it!
running away, running away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah
that at least the old Evony ads were slutty in a fantasy sort of way, these new ones aren't even trying
mating with Maria Swan
having a bad case of diarrhea and rushing to the toilet but not having enough time to check if the lid was up
how hard it is to find a free cellphone theme that doesn't look completely stupid
sense memory
the delicious taste of salt dough
letting her know you love her, really, did you expect that to go over well
deep fat frying that triffid
deep fat frying hot grits before applying to Brian Peppers and naked and petrified Natalie Portman
your triffid fetish
quadrupedophilia
tripodophilia
bipedophilia
deep fat frying Chubb D
blowing hot grit bubbles
quality time with the unkind is better than being alone
misspelling "manoeuvre" as "maneuver"
thinking that chair leg was actually hers
thinking her leg was actually the table's
being naked and petrified
meating Chubb D
travelling back in time in order to get arrested in the place of your past self
travelling forward in time in order to avoid being baited into jail
jailbait chestmeat
goedel
having Natalie Portman, naked and petrified and covered in hot grits
hot grits
Iannis Xenakis
wanting to vote "no" on this but voting "yes" instead
travelling back in time half an hour to help yourself beat up on that old dude
pyjama porn
Tom Petty spotyka Debbie Harry
watching the playboy mansion reality TV show with your mom last night
thinking Gilmore Girls is actually really good, at least sometimes
that rumors of a Sailor Moon movie center around Lindsay Lohan and not Alexis Bledel, I mean duh
not preceding your regret with a negative word effectively making your regret into a confusing double negative that takes fifteen extra seconds to vote on because you're confused as hell
preceding your regret with a negative word effectively making your regret into a confusing double negative that takes fifteen extra seconds to vote on because you're confused as hell
having a moral obligation to downvote this regret
that the "voting one thousand times on this regret" regret has been voted on more than one thousand times
voting two thousand times on this regret
wondering what ever happened to the "making my regret have the most comments of the minute" regret, while Sambo Chuppors watches over your shoulder, making you lose the game
mating with a swan
wishing you were more corrupted so that people would pay you to do things that, as things stand, you're not willing to do for money
Maria Swan
wondering if sa's surname is Campbell, and if he is an eightteen year old male from Hurst, Arizona
not being sure if it's a good idea to start doing something now that will probably take a few hours
having the mind of a prodigy, the intuition of an old person, a youthful body and the heart of a child
iPhone swallowing your apostrophes' apostrophes
iPhone swallowing your apostrophes
having had your fun with the Michael Jackson jokes, but seriously, what kind of a fucked up rabbi slash spiritual advisor publishes a tell all book detailing his troubled advisees confidences
building an entire concept album around the fact that "arigato" rhymes with, um, robot, no wait, "roboto"
watching recordings of live music performances from the seventies and realizing decades when everyone's high twenty four seven are great for music but not so good for camerawork or audio fidelity, goddamn the luck
careless memories
girls on film
coming and going
being a karma chameleon
knowing full well you'll be let down again
taking a ride with your Breslin
gnawing on the insides of your cheeks until you separate a bit of skin, and then swallowing it
taking a ride with your best swan
taking a ride with your best friend
creating Harry Potter BDSM femslash films that don't star A Witty Username unless A Witty Username is female
creating Harry Potter femslash films that don't star A Witty Username unless A Witty Username is female
that arrogant, self centered viking, what a Norseissist
narcissism
incest with Bob Smith
that the single most applicable adjective to the regret index is "incestuous"
coining the word "Randayn" to describe your state of arousal at the idea of severing your tongue by spending seventeen seconds licking out the inside of a sewage plant
that mad cows are so full of themselves
Farty McCrablice
thinking about nippleseverance fetish porn for a whole seventeen seconds before deciding you don't want to do it
creating tongueseverance fetish porn without special effects
adding Ayn Rand on myspace in order to put a screenshot of the email saying that she's now your friend on myspace into your ironic documentary about how many awful people are on myspace
compiling all the Sarah regrets into a memorial video
creating emo geek videos featuring Pseudonym
creating filing system radioplay videos featuring Document
creating nonabstract music videos featuring Kento
creating abstract noise videos featuring a broken fractalised spiral
writing Bikini Kill femslash
Seventeen Seconds
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Nipple Licking The Outside Of a Breast Male with seventeen seconds
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of a Vagina Male with seventeen seconds
Harry Potter BDSM femslash
paying Fraunhofer for a license to use their audio codec, and it isn't even very good
smelling Bruce Boxleitner
having a power level of under nine thousand
vagina dentata
viewing one of the Hairy Potter series of porno films
Swayn Rand
thinking that part of the charm of Harry Potter is that it's so, so easy to make fun of
eating swan spam
swan
that Ryan singled you out for IP blocking
that the regret index has been so slow slash dead lately that regrets stay in the recent regrets section for SEVERAL DAYS AT A TIME
thinking that hefeweizen kind of tastes like pork chops, again in a good way
thinking this pumpkin beer kind of tastes like blue cheese, but in a good way
not WOOOOOO!!!!!!ing that slim double D cup blond national merit scholar cellist when you had the chance
wishing that 'haven't done it yet' was instead labeled 'this does not apply to me'
Fireswan
kind of loving someone, but not really
going to hell in a handbasket
choosing Roman Polanski as a role model
thinking that laser guns are ridiculous as a weapon idea, as they would cauterize the wound they made instantly, and there are a lot of wounds that wouldn't be deadly if not for the internal bleeding and risk of infection
not wooing that slim double D cup blond national merit scolar cellist when you had the chance
that dude named Kento who used to come around
often finding people's faces hot, but not really liking genitalia at all
drunking
bunking
debunking
diegesis
that after one beer, you feel this weird spacy half fuckedupedness which is really bothering you, and since you can't seem to make your way back to full sobriety, you suppose the only thing to do is go the other route and get completely fucked up
having the surname "Zahore"
tending your own garden
being defensive
being incredibly arrogant
eating fajitas in Vietnam
dating Jack Chick, then having a really nasty breakup and then him writing a really obvious Chick tract about the incident
never before realizing forty three year old Roman Polanksi's girlfriend was thirteen, why you're just a spring chicken still
shovelling blue cheese crumbles into your mouth using a triscuit as the shovel
that you sometimes feel she uses guilt as a weapon
your mother assuring you that she doesn't mind lending you funds till you get back on your feet, but also occasionally letting slip things that make you feel like she begrudges it, and still not understanding why you're constantly having money freakouts
having run out of regrets, then, paradoxically, realizing this is in itself a regret, oh tearful slope of sisyphean toil!
that agentfiftyseven usually uploads on a Tuesday
leaving your USB flash drive in your university's library computer lab
reading "Reading Lolita in Tehran" while eating Doritos in Tehran
Trade School Musical
pricking up your ears
wishing the Regret Index a merry Yom Kippur
not doing this earlier
swimming or sliding between consciousnesses, much as drops of condensation run together along a slanted surface
loving twobesock
loving too much
lashing the inadequate
using Latisse for your inadequate lashes
playing Strip Russian Roulette
playing strip scrabble with a librarian
wondering if the power will go out, it hasn't in a really long time
that you should have slept hours ago, yo
playing Strip Scrabble
that by all accounts you should be taking this person's side in the matter, but you really don't like them and, perhaps unfairly, don't believe anything they say
opheliaphillia
millipedophilia
Gregor Swansa
pinnipedophilia
waking up one morning from unsettling dreams to find yourself changed in your bed into a monstrous walrus
writing a song about Sibby
that a pup named scooby doo is the best scooby doo series because fred actually had a personality
the red herring
deep sea nagglyfish
that "harping" might be more aptly called "carping", since carp are well known as the naggingest fish of all
buying a gold plated pokeball
seizing that carp
marketing tongue depressors branded "Carpe Diem"
that you love ghost stories and want to believe in them, but you're not sure you do
that you love romance and want to believe in it, but you're not sure you do
really feeling like staying up all night reading comics instead of sleeping and going to work tomorrow, though really you need the extra money
just now, at one thirty in the morning, getting around to making and eating your sad, sad dinner
eating non moldy buns that were in the same bag as some moldy buns, and which are, therefore, probably just as toxic
modeling for Georgia O'Keefe
that your rather palty inheritance has come, signed over to your mother, though the will stated it was to go to you, but you don't want to be all greedy jerk, but it would really help right now, and generally you don't know what's going to happen there
currently having in your possession five thousand one hundred and ninety six dollars in the form of two unsigned checks, neither of them made out to you
picking the salad
picking the soup
seventy seven long, hairy penises
the coming of fall, bringing with it pumpkin carving, taffy apples, and a colorful blanket of dead squirrels on the ground
sort of hating work a little right now
not really believing a highly paid clinical diagnostician of a prestgious teaching hospital would get home from a psychiatric institionalization on the freakin' bus
accidentally watching a two hour commercial for the psychopharmaceutical industry thinly disguised as the season premiere of an episodic medical serial
needing a cheap source of inexpensive antibiotic and hormone free meat
that the CEO of Whole Foods turns out to be a creepy right wing libertarian, dammitall
stuccoing the mansion
that you don't understand how that makes any sense, the superhero in leg casts gives the catatonic woman a music box and suddenly she can speak and play cello
accidentally casting Maggot Kidder, you shoulda looked at that headshot more closely
sticking it in to the man
knowing more about Kento's father than about any other parents of regretters, and that includes Jaylala
that when you say you fear seizures, it sounds like you're saying they're common to you, but it only takes having had five or six and equally few genuine "one pupil twice the size of the other" migraines to develop a lifelong fear of their precursor signs
flipping your rig after masturbating while driving
tricking Allison Iraheta into breastfeeding another straight guy
that on one occasion when Michael Jackson and you were in bed together, Michael Jackson grabbed your buttock and kissed you while he put his tongue in your ear, and when you told him you didn't like that, Michael Jackson started to cry
that Michael Jackson had you suck one nipple and twist the other nipple while Michael Jackson masturbated
your plumed, tusked beak, with which to husk the meek, your countenance appals us, behold! the hideous swalrus
breeding a swan and a walrus into a hideous swalrus
accidentally detonating that swan
waking up in a house where the only breakfast available is leftover junk food and very flat beer, ugh, you suppose you should put some pants on and go outside to forage the neighborhood
a certain convocation of politic walruses
Manu Dibango
donating your old assless chaps to Deseret
ripping off your penis in a fit of passion
your girlfriend's smelly vaginal discharge
obeying your thirst
the tingling sensation in the back of your jaw and the excess saliva and taste of tin you experience right before either a migraine or a seizure, fuck, although if there's no spatial disorientation, sometimes it just passes
not knowing how to pronounce your mom's new name
that there's an evony ad of a dude holding a lady and she's not naked, whut
having sour mash for brains
shutting the eyes of the dead
the saddest website on earth
painting the town red
having warm mush for brains
either taking forever to get to sleep or waking up inexplicably early and being unable to get back to sleep
seeing a red door and wanting to paint it black
having a fetus in fetu
trusting Mzee
that "you know jack" and "you don't know jack" have identical meanings
Surya the orangutan
that you don't know jack
having a tyrannosaurus ex
that you're gonna be the most pwnin boyfriend the world has seen since dinosaurs have walked the earth
that people think you're crazy
wanting to make a new youtube video where you just turn to the camera and say "oh, hi! i didn't see you come in, i don't look at ugly people"
feeding the trolls some rolls
making love to an anime
having a sudden urge to play Colossal Cave Adventure
realizing that the music you listened to as a child was INSANELY boring
not stepping aside for anyone
stepping aside for a new generation of regretters to regret, not having yet regretted all that you could, which in itself forms the basis for a new regret
feeling like sometimes parts of the regret culture and lifestyle, for which you were present at it's inception, are over your head or passing you by, sigh
bubble rape
that you can't tell if the person your roommate is bringing home regularly is a new fling or her prospective renter
not having more zits to pop, cause you really kind of love popping zits
arr
encouraging your cyst to express itself
thinking torrents are pretty super, except for the part where you can't watch your semidownloaded file
wanting to join the sign up torrent sites that get the good torrents first, but as you have Comcast you're not sure whether you could maintain a high download to upload ratio even if you wanted to, which you do, you're not a jerk
not being able to tell yet if this torrent is a fake
despite having read the recommendation, still not ending your regrets with "haha WOO" nearly often enough, haha WOO
realizing that by emulating the behaviors of various webcomic characters, you might be accidentally encouraging people to laugh at you
watching a video about a month ago of a cyst having its contents expressed, and still thinking about it on occasion
leaving your grieving walrus undressed
teaching your ridin' walrus dressage, but serving your fryin' walrus with dressing
eating all that walrus dressing
leaving a dressed walrus' grievances unredressed
redressing a walrus' grievances
CSS, CSS, always the goddamn CSS
eating out with your mum
being supercool
being supercom
boneless skinless chicken breasts
having tender breasts and thighs
that this person would probably go pick you up a sandwich, as you're in the coatcheck room and not supposed to leave, but he's a vegetarian and you would feel bad sending him off to get you something meaty, because you totally want something meaty, mmeaty
having sore knees and thighs
redressing a walrus
white kid angst
shoving that entire roll of bubble wrap into your mouth at once
undressing a walrus
being an upper middle class white male who smokes pot
being behind on everything, I mean, EVERYTHING, but still being stressed out enough that you need to take a break and watch a DVD, since you become unproductive without breaks, but feel unproductive during them, stressing you out further
dressing up as a walrus for Halloween
that season two, disc one of "Weeds" also does not contain a coupon entitling you to park your marylouise in Mary Louise Parker
wondering what happene to the SEXUALLY ASSAULTING KENTO IN ALL CAPS Bandit
what happens to your hair on a humid day
picking up ticks at the farm
playing Recorder Hero
spilling ginger ale on Art Vandelay
picking up chicks at the farm
that you're pretty sure that that chicken was still alive when you took and swallowed a whole bite
haha WOO
that, so far, you were the only person so far to parody the LODRtEYPaPFaasStTCOAtOPaaNRRbRJBttWB bandit poster so far
extraneous "so far"s
trying to internet stalk mb to find out why the "screw you, mb" bandit is so bitter, but there being too many people of that name on the internet to be able to tell which one it is without further information
bubbles
realizing, with the help of the regret index, that your reaction to anonymity is to start bitching anonymously
wondering if she's really twenty nine year olds
imagining that you must be exhausting to know
that NBC canceled Kings but has not canceled Kring's
that you were the only one so far to parody the LODRtEYPaPFaasStTCOAtOPaaNRRbRJBttWB bandit so far
wondering if she's really twenty nine years old
being undeniably great
having to add the regret you were referring to yourself, because apparently it was only on the old Index
spilling ginger ale on an architect
that you've seen, in your time on the Index, some REMARKABLY specific regrets that nonetheless apply to numerous commentors
remembering that you dreams were crazy, but not what they were about
stepping in the name of love
being a glorious madman
stopping in the name of love
that the phrase "your profession of love" could refer either to someone's declaration or to their career as a prostitute
sometimes wanting to explain your jokes
that the newspaper industry is placing all of their hopes on your device, even though all you really want to do is get people to buy whatever makes you money
having a difficult time doing the right thing for the american people in large part because you are the first person to have the job you do that has the skin color that you do
that you feel like your ugly but cute animal website is a gimmick and even if you were to continue working on it it might only fill the tiniest niche
chewing the scenery
that there was actually an Evony ad that was nothing but a close up of a pair of tits
filling your bra with breasts
the Long Overly Detailed Regrets that Expose Your Personal and Professional Failings and are so Specific that They Could Only Apply to One Person and are Not Real Regrets but Rather Just Bitching to the World Bandit
being a yetiglanchi
doodlefest
falling to doodling and pretending it's useful, but spending way more time on perfecting the details than on getting a general idea, and the doodle is only good for the general idea anyway and also not really necessary
finding this alll desperately frustrating, on so many levels, and having no idea how to make it any better
making a reference to the dexter's laboratory episode that parodies speed racer, and nobody getting it, obviously
that after someone said to you that they want to fuck your sister you said "you and what army"
that you kind of look like john mccain when you make a certain face
that albert camus kind of reminds you of french stewart for some reason
being able to speak etruscan
not knowing if you should be expecting a party or something
saying bad things about the united states while in a communist country, i'm looking at you, SARAH PALIN
falling down the stairs
gorking her
wising up, Janet Weiss
that you actually don't know the size of women, really
tales too ticklish to tell
saying weird and embarrassing things on the regret index
that if you type in "living in trans" into google it suggests "low impact living in transilvania"
living in transylvania
being a tramsexual
trying to train a transexual
that you had no interest in Zhao as a character until those crackheads with their cake meme came along
that precisely fifty regrets have been deleted thus far
stepping on the white ones, hot lava
associating someone you are attracted to with pineapples, preventing you from eating them without feeling an acute sense of regret
sharing that prop meat pie with the one cast member of Sweeney Todd with a throat infection
shoving that entire roll of Bubble Tape into your mouth at once
trying to rhyme rachel with bagel
that because you've seen so few women IRL, you actually aren't sure what is busty and what is not
seeing an Evony ad that just had a generic male fantasy warrior type guy on it, rather than a busty lingerie model
being an ugly son of a bitch
being a stupid son of a bitch
that of all the animals in the world someone could obsess over, walruses are actually a prett good choice
considering suicide when the rainbow is enuf
attending a party where crossdressing is mandatory
having lunch with the sex lady
that, having lived through a withdrawn and sheltered adolescence, being high is still a rather novel experience for you, and you're so high right now
trying to force down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when your belly is full of burger
that you feel as though you're supposed to have twisted your ankle
wondering if you're hallucinating the new added features on Hulu
fighting with your back to the sea
having sex with the lunch lady
that the world is just so different from everything they told you
that it was the rats, the rats in the walls
having read The Rats of NIMH, realizing Ray Clark didn't murder Annie Le, he was framed by hyperintelligent mice!
mostly being interested in an MFA not for the sake of an MFA but to sneak in the opportunity to pose nude as a figure model
being off in a tank of otters restringing ouds
not offering to pose nude for that person
thinking the missing Y key cap is throwing your typing off, your right index finger wants to avoid it and the rest of your fingers shift with it, and your brain takes over halfway through a word and turns it into another with a similar typing pattern
that somehow your typing has degraded into broken English, even though you retain your cognitive skills
looking forward to The Roaring Twenties, Take Two, Electric Boogaloo
overusing dolly out zoom in shots
trusting Morden
having nipples like fried eggs
taking Vicodin when you're bored, which isn't exactly a barn burner of a plan for excitement
missing the girl you cheated on your first fiancee in Tehran with in Tehran
missing the girl you cheated on your first fiancee with
not missing the first girl you were engaged to at all
that, by wedding Zooey Deschanel in a ceremony so secret it took place unbeknownst to her, you have inadvertently led her to, in the last forty eight hours, lead the life of a bigamist
wondering if having a puppet theater of Kristen Bells, Naomi Wattses and Mary Louise Parkers always running around naked through your head is really all that different from surrounding yourself with stuffed walruses and being a long haired half chinease
renting discs one and two of season two of Weeds because, you never know
that disc two of season one of Weeds was no more effective than disc one at summoning Mary Louise Parker to your boudoir, damn you and your magical thinking
that you're so gassy right now, so very very gassy, Jupiter
that, because of your field, by definition none of your accomplishments can ever be so long lasting and visually spectacular that way, which makes it hard, even though you sincerely mean to, to be happy for other people's accomplishments
breaking up with someone with commissioned public artwork on display, so that every time you stroll past a particular part of the city, there from a block away is a seventeen foot tall reminder of that person
that you're so gassy right now, so, so gassy
having such a supple wrist
that all other regrets are about Kento, always
moving to Mexico so that you can smoke kreteks again
rubbing one out in the bathroom at church
often thinking other regrets are about mb
making a terrible joke about the death of Usui Yoshito
often thinking other regrets are about sa
often thinking other regrets are about you
often thinking other regrets are about ou
that the Coraline DVD didn't have more bonus material, I mean come on
being kind of relieved to see that the person you've had an online crush on for the longest time is not attractive
gringo starr
that "Marty" shows up as "nasty" in your phone's predictive spelling dictionary
that you once watched an entire day long marathon of Bruce Springsteen videos, an entire day, and it was just the same thirty or so videos on repeat
being ousted from your anonymous commenting and going back to using your RI handle, you don't know why you went without it for so long
that music videos are the lowest form of artistic expression and are almost universally dire
wanting to be an hero
reading through the past hundred or so recently commented regrets and not finding a single one by agentfiftyseven
going down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal
tripping and falling into Kento's GAPING ASSHOLE
that the garbage disposal is quite a ways to go
eating your best friend
blacking out an entire wedding you attended four years ago that was held in a bar, only being reminded of it recently when wedding photos showed up on Facebook, at least you look happy, but fuck if you remember anything beyond driving to that city
that pokeflorp is power of FIRE, air attack, sea pokeflorp eat anteater walrus balls
wondering if you have less to regret lately
that the pokeflorps is you favorite thing about the regret index
sharing a bed with KENTO
Chip Hitler
how slow the regret index has been lately
having a pathological desire for a legitimate reason to be taken care fo
wanting to be a hero
wearying of Kento, no, really, enough with this shit, it's worse than the pokeflorps
ear
that Earth girls are easy
Chesty Morgan
that kento was recruited by the navy to man both the north and west periscopes on a sophisticated new submarine
that you don't fear death, but you're not looking forward to pooping your pants when you do it
thinking about turning the "holy shit, this lady" regret into your own stomping grounds for posting links to unbelievable or outstanding ladies, though you aren't the OP
that you're going to make soem chili SO HARD tonight
holy shit, this lady
that it would not be that big of an issue for you if everyone you knew died
aynaconda
that she said to you, "oh kento, these are fabulous," in regards to cookies you made, this was probably like three years ago, yeah
that while you love quicksilver, you seldom use it
wondering if anyone remembers your placenta
Jero
being surly
being squat
being a jugeare chinless stomachmuncher
standing around with your thumb up your butt
that you seem to be getting nerdier, which you previously thought impossible
not jerking off the protagonist when he was weak and inexperienced
wondering why someone would set up a photoshoot of a naked man walking a bicycle through a field, I mean really, you like surreal, but that's just stupid
money
that there's always some bullshit that comes up to take your money from you the very moment you start to break even
not having anything good to say when a girl askes you what your hobbies are and just giving vague answers and trying to avoid the question
that everybody has their coping methods, I use sex and awesomeness
that in the Ray Clark murdering Annie Le case, no one is talking about how structurally unsound that building must be, after all, they found a chink in the wall
that long parrots don't make sense out of context
joining the Long Regret Bandit, the Parrot Regret Bandit, and the Won't Make Sense Out of Context Bandit into one terrible bandit, the Long Parrot Won't Make Sense Out of Context Bandit
liking scraping lichen children off your fo'c's'le on International Talk Like a Pirate Day only to have them take a licking from the lycanchildren transmogriphying under the light of the full moon
lycanchildren, transmogriphying under the light of the full moon
scraping lichen children off your fo'c's'le on International Talk Like a Pirate Day
lichen children
licking children
eating lunchables
zonkeys
wholphins
that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon
that the worst students get the most attention
loving children
talking like a butt pirate today
talking like a pirate today
tribadism, you'll likebadism
Kento's pimento
Kento's hymento
Kento's basemento
Kento's Lamento
microblogging on the regret index
killing time at a stranger's house when you could've been out at a movie with a hot dancer
thinking that where you went wrong might've been not worshipping a roman fire snake deity
that I'd like to dock my ship in that port, man, if you know what I mean
that you can never imagine yourself being cool enough for france
qualifying your qualifiers with further qualifiers
that the rather high nerd quotient at your alma mater alarms even you, and you're not exactly mister mainstream either
watching a somewhat less than good movie for a rather pretty girl
that watching V for Vendetta is probably not going to substantially increase your chances of sleeping with Natalie Portman, and there's a commercial on average every eight minutes
not being the first person to think of "frottage cheese"
frottage with the bed
having to work this weekend when you don't especially want to
moncolletage
frottage
decolletage
montage
collage
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside of A Male Vagina with seventeen votes
college
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Nipple Licking The Outside of A Breast Male with seventeen votes
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of A Sewage Processing Plant Male with seventeen votes
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of a Vagina Male with seventeen votes
winning the first place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of An Ice Cream Tub Male with seventeen votes
dancing naked with your significant other to the Disintegration album by The Cure, then making hot, sticky love for hours on end
Dancing naked with your significant other to the Disintigration album by The Cure, then making hot, sticky love for hours on end
that if I live to one hundred and ten, which isn't completely unrealistic considering advances in medical technology, I'll live through nine more decades all the way up to the nineties again
selling your used underwear on eBay way back before they had a policy against it
not finishing off the protagonist when he was weak and inexperienced, and instead sending a stream of minions on a shallow difficulty curve that perfectly matched his increasing power
looking forward to the Thirties, Take Two, but hoping they won't be followed by genocide
often offin' effin' orphans
your game apparently freezing, and refusing to fix itself after several minutes
that you'd him to lick the inside of YOUR Pringles can, if you know what I'm saying
that sister is busy learning to shave, bother just loves his new permanent wave
liking to put fishsticks in your mouth
winning first place for Most Likely To Sever Tongue Licking The Inside Of A Pringles Can Male with seventeen votes
STRONGLY supporting Kanye West
hell freezing over
that the world will end in two thousand twelve
that Ryan North doesn't care about south people
that you would be okay with dying young, and you might be able to deal with dying old, but you really, really don't want to die middle aged
looking forward to the Roaring Twenties, Take Two in another decade or so
that Kanye West doesn't care about white people
that for that matter, this decade has generally been a pretty crappy way to start off the new millenium and besides, it will be fun to say the "twenty tens"
that the decade that is to end soon doesn't have a catchy name as "the two thousands" wins only by default
losing the display files for some really nice fonts
back when you and your friends used to come up with complex dance numbers to songs such as The Kink's "Come Dancing"
blowing all your wages for the week, just for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek
picture book, when you were just a baby, those days when you were happy, a long time ago
pictures of your mama, taken by your papa, a long time ago
lazing on a sunny afternoon, in the summertime
being called back
not being sure whether the reference to your father's first name in six two two six was coincidental or intentional
sneezing like a million times
putting too much J on your PB&J
that a douchebag is a hygienic product and so I will take that as a compliment
that massengill didn't call them Kanyes instead of douches, all he lacks is the light scent of mild vinegar
realizing how odd it is that so many different human cultures independently invented the personal name
kidsploitation
spoilation
sexploitation
exploitation
orientalspoitation
chick flicks
ladysploitation
gay cowboys eating pudding
fagsploitation
spicsploitation
feeling hurt and betrayed by everyone you ever cared about sleeping in till three pm today, ugh
finding Seinfeld not so much amusing as really bleak and depressing, to the point where accidentally being in a room where it's on in the background makes you want to never interact with another human being again, ever
massturbation
a dan brown good so preposterous that it had to be true
teaching the world to masturbate in perfect harmony
Robot Dinosaurs That Shoot Beams When They Roar
teaching people to masturbate
sleeping with a shill
sleeping in a till
trying to remember if she was cute
being hurt and betrayed by everyone you ever cared about
sleeping in till three pm today, ugh
that you always think the interview has gone well, but then you are unsure about just how much you should follow up, you want to a lot but you don't want to look desperate or stalkery, and whatever you're never going to succeed anyway
that you can think of no reason to go back to college, as you can think of no useful Master's degree, and as Masters don't seem to be all the useful right now, but you envy your friends who have done so
that it takes almost exactly five months for a deepish knife wound to heal completely, in the sense that it doesn't start bleeding again when the scab comes off
sighing into madness
sighing into sadness
sighing out of sadness
keeping a bubblegum bust of the person you have a crush on in your closet
carting around
your girlfriend Jelly, a supermodel who lives in outer space and who calls you by the name "Spanky" and travels by spaceship
having hot sexy sex
that the creator of crayon shinchan is dead
that mario is missing
that the creator of crayon shinchan is missing
being addicted to masturbation
that nobody greenlit Richard McBeef the Musical that you wrote
that the modern music video is less than thirty years old
holding on to that feeling
finding a living six inch long centipede in your toilet
that Beyonce had one of the best music videos of all time, OF ALL TIME
eating cheese made from Harvey milk
Document
starting another twitter name just for the fun of coming up with snarky alternate meanings of trending topics
clinging to OSX Panther long after the other rats have left the ship
getting the crap beaten out of you online
rosebud
shiksappeal
that white people who claim to really love blaxploitation really creep you out in the same way that people who like nerdcore do, because of the "Awww, look how black people and their silly culture are so goofy, isn't that cute!" sentiment that they convey
being attracted to jewish girls
always remembering the number of times the letter s appears in BAADASSSSS but never the double a
your baadasssss song
asking for a "happy ending" at your graduation
assuming all these years that "Shaft" was campy, only to watch it and discover it's fraught with emotional and moral complexity, deeply well shot, and almost prepostorously kick ass in every way, shut yo' mouf, but I'm talkin' 'bout SHAFT, can you dig it
believing commercials
leaving the Ferrari in the garage
putting Baby in the corner
asking for a "happy ending" at your piano lesson
being an ex ex ex ex gay
being an ex ex ex gay
being an ex ex gay
being an ex gay
being a gayngsta
Gorean "philosophy"
that your cat likes to jump up on vertical parts of you, or try to sharpen her claws on you, without realising that such behaviour can be damaging to human flesh
being addicted to love
not having a problem with polyamory, as you're not even datiing one person
linear subspace
getting the crap beaten out of you by Uwe Boll
speedcubing
meating Pyramid Head
meeting Pyramid Head
that Evony is run by a Chinese businessman and gold farm operator with ties to the mafia
Egyptian Ratscrew
that Kento probably doesn't have a vagina, so he was most likely impregnated in, then the fetus aborted through, his anus
it no natural Mr Lobinson, me no likee
spooning Jews' boobs
that tears last for so long, even after you're gone
that you think you've been using "wryyyyy" wrong this entire time
spooning Jewel's boobs
being electrified by Jewel's poetry, in an amount equal to the work done when a current of one ampere passes through a resistance of one ohm for one second
Jewel's heftier sister, Jowels
crying whilst being kicked in the jewels by Jewel
wondering why every FTP program you uses has to be a pain in the ass
balkanizing your lady parts
balkanization
breastfeeding explosively
that Jewel has huge boobs, seriously
crying whilst reading Jewel's poetry
never knowing if Flo Rida is from Florida or from Floor Rider
not having a problem with polyamory, but when two people you love platonically who are already in a relationship with each other proposition you you're afraid to make any response, positive or negative, because you're afraid of losing that friendship
crying while reading Jewel's poetry
watching Histeria!
that the more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers
having an abortion to boost your athletic performance
that "Flo Rida" sounds like a menstruation fetish porn star
that you watched a show on polyamory earlier today, and you wanted to punch everyone on that show, but you're not sure if that was at all related to the polyamory or if it was just because they were obnoxious hipsters
not really having a problem with polyamory, but the real life examples that you have seen are less like equal relationships and more like one person wanting to sleep with more than one person while the other people are too meek to state their unhappiness
that according to Wikipedia, Flo Rida won for Club Banger of the Year at the two thousand eight Ozone Awards
that you saw the name "Flo Rida" in print several times without really reading further, and you just assumed it was a woman
not realising that tank thongs were around when the old 'dex was up
that there was a whole big "tank thong" meme on the old 'dex that Kento has apparently forgotten
that you can usually deal with sexually charged ads, but something about the American Apparel ads is just super skeevy, in a "you gon' git raped" way
putting out obviously sexually charged ads, including a few that feature nudity for use on adult websites, and then trying to argue that your advertising strategy isn't smutty
that the american apparel website's homepage you can also see the tank thong bodysuit advertised
that if you go to american apparel's website you can see a woman's nipples through her semi transparent clothing
reading a book recently that described Dov Charney as a genius
offending the entire asian continent
that the way you learned of the existence of lady gaga was by seeing her face on a huge advertisement in singapore
cloning the home alone kid
that I'm KILROY, KILROY, KILROY, Kilroy
wondering who I am, machine or mannequin, with parts made in Japan
that the films Nine and Nine are presented with distinct visual titles, but you can't distinguish them as such in regrets because you're unable to use Arabic numerals
that sideburns are like handlebars for making out
thinking the only reasons someone would settle for your ex are really getting off on being punching bag and second banana to a venomous narcissist, losing a bet, only having six months to live, or any combination of the three
that there are two films coming out this year called "nine"
slipping on a vagina peel
coverting to Latvian Orthodox
being a son of a bitch
sticking a banana in there
that Kilroy was here
letting the pope and antipope come into contact
that there hasn't been a president in more than a century that has had a vagina
saying '
playing Name that Beard
trolls
that at least there are no tank thongs in Evony ads, at least not yet
trying to distract people from your hideousness and lack of talent and the fact that you're actually dude by wearing stupid outfits, Lady GaGa
trying to distract people from your hideousness and lack of talent by wearing stupid outfits, Lady GaGa
that people are coming to your wedding because it would be socially awkward to say "No", even though they don't know you that well, only through work, wonder why you asked them and whether or not you have real friends, but are glad someone settled for you
getting a job sexing chicks
taking off your wet, uncomfortable things and slipping on a banana peel
that there's a new evony ad, and it features a naked woman behind one of thems blurring shower doors with water running down it or something but anyway it's also got a seal on it that shows it's officially certified as the hottest free online game #one
Kayne West
Kanye West
quoting Hitler
not preparing for the second cumming
not preparing for the second coming
reading about stories that were never written
reckless rednecks
banana related accidents
that in New York City, the banana peel actually became something of a symbol of modern sanitation
reading the TV Tropes page on banana peels
being tired and tiresome
that a bullet, you see, may go anywhere, but steel's almost bound to go somewhere
that pictures can be hung, but people are always hanged
dot dot dot
saving that chick from being hanged with your sweet detective skills, only to have her turn down your proposal
hemophilia
Bolshevik plots
that there ought to be an entire field of scholarly study dedicated to you
bitmaps
cloning your own weiner
hurf dot durf
dot bmps or it didn't happen
BIRAQ HUSSEIN O'COMMIE
pics or it didn't happen
being featured on so many magazine covers, I'm looking at you, BARACK OBAMA
that you're thinking about moving to Bohol to train tarsiers
wondering why and how it is that Kento gets so much more attention of various sorts than everybody else you've ever known
wondering about Kento's feeling about the mass amounts of attention he gets, whether he finds it flattering, creepy, or offensive, or something entirely different
demanding proof
being interested in this show you saw on TV, but not knowing what it was because you were pretty sure the guide information was wrong, it didn't seem to be about two girls fighting vampires in the future
using multiple credit cards to purchase a wading dress
saying anything, ever
saying "when is my girlfriend getting her pants back"
saying "
being simultaneously the nicest and meanest person most people who have met you have ever met, and all of those people have met more than one person
saying "jeepers"
losing what little money you have left
not seeing it as piracy, rather as making sure there are backups of your favorite shows in case they decide to destroy the originals like they did with the early seasons of Doctor Who in the seventies, and later there is an effort to restore them
that you get all confused about why no one is returning any correspondence, when suddenly you remember that Sundays are generally not work days for anyone but you
meeting Brian Peppers
getting in a fight with someone over whether "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" or "The Book of Bob" was better
being larger than life
being history's greatest villain
not being everyone else
being unable to get over someone who likes SCRUBS ugh ugh ugh
that you have never actually heard a song by DMB
searching for loads and loads of porn in a variety of taboo subjects
asthma
listening to Kottonmouth Kings with cotton in your mouth
taking the hugest dump on her boyfriend
taking the hugest dump for her girlfriend
dumping her for her girlfriend
listening to Kottonmouth Kings while not high
using the phrase "purple cow" seriously
hearing someone actually use the phrase "purple cow" seriously
curbing a benign dude
that you always preferred BTO to DMB
being a curvy dude
party in the usa
that there hasn't been a president in more than a century that has had a beard
that you seemed to miss some great new regrets
being a greaseball
replacing all instances of "friend" in your roommate's psychology thesis on friendship with "butt buddy" and he didn't notice and printed it out and turned it in
minding the bollocks
that Bob's your uncle
busking
that people don't seem to trust you when you try to sell things through deviantART
that this is totally the Murder, She Wrote font
likewise Berkeley
having more copies of Benguiat than you know what to do with
that Helvetica is other people
using live instead of life just now
that Akzidenz will happen
live, the Univers, and everything
that the Futura is now
that Avant Garde may be your new Futura
being nobody's mom
that the highway is alive tonight, nobody's kidding nobody about where it goes
that your roommate is listening to some music you really like, which just makes things worse because you may have to hate it because she ruins everything
adding regret nine zero one two but now not remembering the context behind it
a jackknife to a swan
rediscovering shitty music at just the worst time
selling hexatriacontane and hexatriacontane accessories
thinking that seven was a prequel to eight and a half
liking your women like you like your presidents, Irish catholic with a bullet in their brain
getting married to that chick who used multiple credit cards to purchase a wedding dress
listening to "music"
listening to Dave Matthews Band
being a twerp
using old spice as a cooking ingredient
liking your women like you like your presidents, black
mobsterbation
lobsterbation
mobsturbation
that somebody tried to set you up with riley mason
listening to Dave Matthews Band while not high
liking your women like you like your dictators, with lips of velvet and a grip of steel
using multiple regret cards
getting married to regret
using multiple credit cards to purchase a wedding dress
that, sure enough, you are blowing off that party
realizing that its sentience is probably not relevant, as people refer to statues even if they are the ordinary unpossessed kind
wondering, if you have something sentient but nonliving, such as perhaps a statue, which appears female, whether "it" or "she" would be the more appropriate pronoun
being less than fifty pounds overweight
wondering what effect the size of a vessel has on its likelihood to induce seasickness
liking your women like your diplomats, respectful, smart and with sensible priorities, but finding neither women nor diplomats who actually meet these criteria
being keelhauled
being crushed to death
that communism is just a red herring
words
that two thousand and nine was the year of birthers and deathers
settling for catan
settling
having just seen nine, and declaring tim burton a genius
being blown
the gathering
being blown off
already knowing you're going to blow off a party tomorrow
staying up too late watching a DVD of a ten year old tv show
being sleepy at three thirty in the afternoon
that you can talk until your face is blue, you can talk, but she'll get to you
yonder nine thousand
that plants are awesome
indi pop
cloaking yourself
that sometimes America seems to be a nation of children, in the best and worst wayss
that sometimes America seems to be a nation of children, in the best and worst ways
traveling ten thousand miles to see her
being a whiz kid
that Obama is more or less the chosen one
thst your throat may be closing up
going to the urination station
LXIX
VI IX
being back from your whatevering
having just one punch line you use for a whole group of jokes
calling something propaganda just because you disagree with it's message
crinoline stinkhorns
not feeling especially blue or bad, which would be preferable as at least there'd be some action or drama, but just kinda blank, empty and spent, used up, and listening to music that may or may not be sad, happy music just reminds you of how empty you are
being allergic to plant sperm
that you need to go for like an hour or two
rediscovering sad music at just the worst time
that being the least remarkable pokemon makes it remarkable
incesturbation
cloning yourself
that aloe plants are awesome
Darlingtonia State Natural Site
whatever
wondering if Rachel has seen David Attenborough's The Private Life of Plants, because you'd watch it with her or lend it to her or whatever
getting eaten by a Carnivine
getting eaten by a Victreebel
having used to live near a state park that was devoted to the protection of indigenous carnivorous plants
that carnivorous plants hold a special fascination for you
having once seen someone on a forum use a Probopass as his avatar and also his username was "Jewish Pokemon"
that Nosepass was stupid and ugly and crappy and it should never have gotten an evolution when cool pokemon like Torkoal didn't get one
that your current candidate for most forgettable pokemon is Masquerain
that if you added a s sound to the beginning of your sister's first and last names her name would sound like semi cicada
finding all those shedinja lying around your apartment
living in Kanto for real
not understanding the appeal of zombies at all
casting a spell
that Yanma might no longer be the most forgettable pokemon, now that it evolves
Kingdra
that pokemon fan fiction that someone on the something awful forums wrote where misty gets fucked by her pokemon causing the pokemon to evolve
having a knack for finding weird ways to read things
that Ash should be like in his twenties now
getting food poisoning by eating those eight year old breasts
horseshoe crabs
that the pokemon franchise draws like eight year old girls with breasts
that Japanese people LOVE coelacanths
debating whether Relicanth is a "fossil pokemon"
having a increasingly difficult time connecting to the regret index, thanks a lot ryan for banning me
Scott Speculum
that omanyte is a cephalopod
training a Skullkraken
choosing omanyte over kabuto
that naming a pokemon "kento jr" implies that you, Kento, are the father
that when you trade pokemon with people you always give them one named "kento jr"
lending your ds to some kids who would end up breaking it
that wobbuffet is probably your favorite pokemon
abyssal gigantism
diglett dig diglett dig diglett dig TRIO TRIO TRIO
training a Wobuffet
Koga's daughter
bioluminescence
being so mad
actually trying to argue that Koga was harder than Sabrina
training regret type pokemon
the regret gym
that you didn't get your first shiny pokemon until generaton IV
wasting your masterball on something shitty like a whiscash
mukfucking
that you wonder if rachel would be in your klan or hoard or guild or whatever when the pokemon mmorpg comes out
that the first thing you would do in a Pokemon MMORPG is start a Ditto brothel
wondering when they'll get around to a Pokemon MMORPG
magnemite and magneton
that if you google image search t rex with a dash between the t and the rex, our t rex doesn't show up until page fifty five
the beslan school hostage crisis
that you always thought that diglett had to join up with two others to evolve to dugtrio, so its not like it was growing more heads
the french revolution
that nobody has ever seen what a diglett looks like underground, like, really, how hard is it to just dig one up
pokemon who evolve to have more heads, for example, doduo, diglett, koffing, etc
missingno
having took a long break from the regret index to play the maps of the world game on sporcle, you can get one hundred and seventy out of one hundred and ninety five
that you actually thought the fire starter was the best for the fourth generation
pokemans
the world turning to ash
that your pokemon playing days are over, and you now enjoy only talking about it
that your favorite starter from each generation has been either water or grass
that since you and Kento are the only ones on the dex now, you should totally write tons of Pokemon regrets
that you always preferred the cool colored pokemon games to the warm colored ones
that if you can remember your previous random regret, you will die happy, otherwise, you will die a horrible death
that the next regret you get as a random regret is an anagram of your future
having this regret be the random regret you got this time
that that's pitiable
Mr T eating your balls
space tree
becoming one
space mummies
that there's a supermarket a ten minute's walk away from your apartment called "shimizu"
becoming one with the universe
weird jokes
becoming a sokushinbutsu
eating bog butter
actually being pretty bad at high fiving
wondering if rachel wants to meet up to high five or whatever
putting some meat on them bones
living in a town of hegelians
euthanasia
that ten year old weiners are hard to grasp
euphoria
eudaimonia
being insane in the membrane
that the phrase "child grooming" sounds like such a pleasant thing
listening to the rap music which gives you the brain damage
moving in mysterious ways
preferring Ira Glasser to Ira Glass
blowing Glass
loving caramel
being the biggest douche in the universe
living in a pretty how town
that you meant to add a regret, but instead you accidently searched for it
sending a joke email to a girl, only to have her respond that water had dribbled out of her mouth "in the most attractive way"
Scott Baculum
being a quantum mechanic
not knowing what J List is
that Allen Ginsberg was a member of NAMBLA
that time Harmony from Buffy was in that episode of Supernatural, and as a vampire too, but they gave her a different name instead of going with Harmony or just not naming her so you could pretend it was a crossover
that you originally got into Supernatural for shallow reasons, but ended up loving it, kind of like with Buffy
the clone wars
stuffing food up your butt and crapping out your mouth
regretting when you should be drinking a pumpkin beer on the couch watching The Simpsons
asking those girls for a menage a trois but totally mispronouncing it
getting in a regret menage a trois
that you actually won't say you like Supernatural more than The X Files, cause that show was so good, but you don't mind the mild derivation and shit, we got angels and stuff
arguing that child pornography use may decrease cases of child sexual abuse by allowing pedophiles to sublimate their desires
that lucifer is cumming
never having seen the x files
that you loved the standalone episodes of the X Files but would always shut it off when the story arc episodes came on
not wearing a fandom
that lucifer is coming
the left wing hivemind, moveon dot borg
that it's probably fair to call it a rip off, it's even created by some of the same people, but Supernatural is doing a hell of a lot better than X Files at keeping its story arcs coherent and sensical
joining the Gippeumjo
that Generic Poorly Acted X Files Ripoff Except With a Lot of Gay Incestuous Sexual Tension season five starts tonight OMG OMG guys
moving on Kento
wearing your sunglasses at night so you can, so you can keep track of the visions in your dreams
getting that long haired half chinease food for lunch
ELECTROPLATING YOUR PENIS
ELECTROCUTING YOUR PENIS
that Supernatural season five starts tonight OMG OMG guys
letting down your dawgs
that you just saw a commercial on tv for pokemon heartgold
that the regret index is back! in pog form!
being too tired to write
that you used to call the flickering lights that you saw when you closed your eyes "star dreams"
tweaking
tweaking into a whole new era, G Funk step to this, I dare ya
watching Mononoke, not to be confused with the movie Mononoke Hime, and finding it visually stunning but so, so confusing
that Foxtrot is still being created
being a dork
the surface similarity between kino's journey and mushi shi
that you keep forgetting we're not in love anymore
yelling
yelling "Liar" at the President during his address before Congress
fridge death vs fridge logic
wondering what pastafarians eat
wondering what rastafarians eat
that buildings and mountains are rising before your eyes
wondering, if vegetarians eat vegetables and humanitarians eat, what then do utilitarians eat
feeling like you're wearing a helmet, what with your headphones and the "sunglasses" which are in fact a thin dark film of tinted plastic which you attained from an eye doctor a few years ago after having your pupils dilated
not being able to cross between the two worlds
doing these things
being constantly aware of how irrational and unfair you're being, and yet still doing these things
moaning and whatever
wishing you had no choice about a decision so that you could not be blamed for choosing the wrong thing
that you want to start a sixties singer songwriter cover band in the philippines called "mango durian"
wearing your sunglasses at night on your computer because the light from the monitor is hurting your eyes
basically being what a cool guy would be in an alternate universe
that the Jack the Ripper case is still unsolved
wondering where all the magic went
doing it to it
that you keep on forgetting why you are special
that the koolaid man is ruined
Air Bud
that the cover of Crazy in Love done by The Magic Numbers makes you smile sometimes
Air Wolf
meating mb
kind of wondering if you can dance very badly with someone and have it be fun instead of awkward and awful
Sea Wolf
sweetness
that foxtrot penny arcade comic
that sometimes you need music to remind you who you are
having GREAT taste
that you wrote that regret without thinking of the obvious parrot regret, "meating her"
never understanding the idea that if something is useful, it can't possibly be art
meeting her
being a novelist
actually eating a ragamuffin
the sensational base ball song, Take Me Out to the Ball Game
being made out of meat flavored sports drink
thinking you'd make a great husband and father
charmeleon
chameleons
girls whose nipples are almost the exact color as the surrounding skin
that christopher lydon just posted a chat he had with HOWARD FREAKIN DEAN
ever trying to do anything with another person
with your lightning bolts a glowing, being able to see where you are going
that you strive for something that you don't think actually exists
that you feel silly saying that fanfiction and fanart stretch your creativity, since they seem the opposite of creative, but left to your own devices you probably wouldn't consider playing around with characters too far removed from your own social sphere
being at work
following people's ideas and plots on the internet, and being disappointed when said plots die, or earlier work gets taken down because the creator is no longer happy with it
that in recommending something to someone, you mentally pick out all of the things that they might not like about it, which in turn tarnishes your enjoyment of it a little
also having trouble recommending things to people because you're not sure if they'll dislike them, and think you weird for liking them
that things that you consider rare and unknown really aren't, on a larger scale, they just seem to be in your peer group, and as much as you try to convince people to pay attention to them because you think they'll like them, they don't listen
that you love things all the more for being known only by a small group of people, but you also crave discussion about them and fanart, always the fanart
biting a mean spirited dog
being uncircumsized
vandalizing the Simple English Wikipedia
that you can't spill your seed for cash because of your nystagmus
never having seen any form of Pop Idol
Allison Iraheta being voted off Armenian Idol
spilling your rapeseed
the Triangle of U
that, wow, you just noticed the Evony ads mentioned earlier, and whut
the Bandit Bandit
the blood type o bandit
the Typo Bandit
thinking a lot of things are overrated
that you might have to find a place large enough in the philippines to allow for guests to live as comfortably as one can on a budget in a third world country
thinking man on wire is overrated
that your kitchen light is flickering, but it's one of those big ring shaped fluorescent bulbs, and also your ceilings are ten feet high and you don't own a step ladder
liking things that aren't popular
that torrents are pretty great, but they rely on an number of people having the file in question, so it's difficult to find things are aren't popular
having no desire to sleep, but having an obligation to do so
that the blt went to mars
The Brave Little Toaster
that this probably explains a few of your gender confusion issues
calling your new biodiesel vehicle that runs entirely on rapeseed oil the Rapemobile
choosing Angela Davis as your role model, and being male
losing your rape whistle
that there seem to be a lot of dead hooker regrets, postulating the existence of a Murdered Hooker Bandit
choosing male chauvinist pigs as your role models, and being female
raping Knives
choosing male chauvinist pigs as your role models
not knowing what a rape knife is and being too terrified to google it
that a good tasting meat broth would probably be too salty for a sports drink, and even though it might replace your electrolytes, you probably would get dehydrated pretty fast
that time you made that joke about Palmolitov cocktails
not cutting off the hookers fingers and pulling out her teeth
fishing
that you actually have a lot of names for rape knives
that this is the regret that remind the regret index regulars to check regret number twenty eight zero eight
finishing
staying awake because you keep telling yourself you will finish typing in that bit of writing you did earlier today, but it's just not happening
that you're supposed to be some kind of super genius, and yet rachel makes you feel stupid
blowing the top right off of the popper
not owning a machine gun
that you would like your corpse to be partially dried, sealed in some type of resin, then popped like popcorn
that Orville Redenbacher was found dead relaxing in his jacuzzi
watching the Popcorn Parade in Valparaiso, Indiana, former home of the late Orville Redenbacher
that in Singapore you drank a watermelon papaya juice mix, and it was delicious
drinking Placentamato
drinking Beefamato
that kettle chips are a product of your home state
not having any kettle chips right now, damn
recieving sixty nine dollars from Christopher Lydon
that one does not simply give or receive sixty nine
being kind of glad that the graphical apostrophe and comma regret is getting bumped off the recent regrets soon
kento's clamato
receiving sixty nine from Christopher Lydon
thinking of progress in terms of psychological progress
that all of the good ones are married, sixty nine years old, and also men
drinking bearded clamato
clamato
thinking we've made pretty good progress on the Regret Index tonight
clome alome
having twitter followers but not cult followers
that you could swear the someone already entered "eating the placenta" and you really didn't want to reread that regret
writing Kento slash Christopher Lydon slash Care Bears fanfiction
that there are no placenta flavored sports drinks
not being able to set Kento and Christopher Lydon up on a blind date
eating the placenta
not being an actor
being attracted to actors who you feel you probably should find hideous
that there are no meat broth flavored sports drinks
dumbrella
umbrellas
that you know the guy who designed bjork's new album's cover, and you think it's an awful design but you can't tell him
writing a column for the new york times called "consumed"
' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' , ' ,
making your own gravy
wishing your could vote on the quality of Kento's FACE
TY' INDEX
HEY GUYS LET'S CHANGE HOW THE REGRET INDEX WORKS, FROM THIS POINT ON YOU VOTE 'YES' IF YOU THINK THE REGRET IS OF HIGH QUALITY AND YOU VOTE NO IF YOU THINK IT IS OF POOR QUALITY, SO IT THE DISPLAYED NUMBER IS NOT ACTUALLY THE 'REGRET' INDEX BUT THE 'QUALI
that christopher lydon is the most handsome man on the planet and you will never look like him when you're old
that nobody loves christopher lydon as much as you
finding yourself attracted to a girl just because she was talking about Machaut
,',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',','
selling ghee in a pressurized can and calling it Ghee Whiz
J
that you know a little bit about a lot of things, but not a lot about anything
that carlos slim is anything but
Jay
Allah be back
writing to that Islamic society and getting that five hundred dollar gilt leaf koran free of charge, then stripping it and selling it for parts
that you always overthought ice nine, like it solidified at room temperature, but did it remain at that temperature or drop below it, and what kept it from resolidifying after melting, when the molecules had been taught a new way to stack
being out of touch
having actually been a click away from buying the larger sized Kindle, but holding out on the off chance Apple promises you a tablet two years down the line
owning a book with the title "the birth and death of meaning"
that there is this book about the BEIC that you really want to read, but it's expensive and also you don't want to have to carry more physical books and it's not available on the kindle
becoming so used to the on demand expectation surrounding internet culture that you come to the Index half believing that Yes, Brandi Carlile will be here, or Kristen Bell, or Winona Ryder, or whoever, btw, are you
eating dragonfruit and not being able to breathe fire
wanting to own a jackfruit tree
that when you went to your local books store recently they had a sign in the V section of fiction that said "Due to the state of the economy, we are forced to keep the Kurt Vonnegut books behind the counter"
being the single snowflake a hobo sees fall in a back ally in the middle of summer, making the hobo contemplate his solitary place in the world just before killing himself
an album cover
that you once saw this guy talk about this obscure author he discovered, it turned out the obscure author was kurt vonnegut
assuming everything nietzche wrote was ironic
smelling the crotch of your underwear to see if you can get another day out of it
reading six hundred wild chatlogs
that Kento would make a hot girl
using your fingers to clean your ears and then tasting them
that Cellophane, Mr Cellophane, should have been your name
that you didn't especially think that Kento was well read, either, just that he had a thing for Ayn Rand
that you only like people who can see through you
that you've probably read more Goosebumps books than Kento in your lifetime, but to be fair that phase was like twelve years ago
creating an eccentric online persona with the intent of making people hate and insult that persona, rather than hating and insulting the real you
judging people by the music they listen to
being kind of interested in learning about Evony from someone on the inside, without having to actually sign up for it
that you may not hit bottom, but you can sure bang the hell out of the sides
that the girls in Evony ads don't even look like they're part of a Fantasy setting, they just look like models from the Sears undewear catalogue
that people think you're well read, when really, you're not
kento fatchick thread
true story
that your weight fluctuates wildly
kento fatcheck thread
knot halving a penis
that you were gonna write a "kento factcheck thread" regret for thirteen thousand but it can wait
thirteen thousand regrets, woooooo!!!
throwing your cellphone at your cat, because she was sitting on the bed on top of a blanket the same inky black color as herself
MURDER IN SPACE
spilling your seed out the window
that nobody has been murdered in space yet
mad spaceness
space madness
Borat Obama
that sometimes you prefer the truth to comedy
being criticised for not coming up with subtle satire when you were aiming for lame humor
that this parody is no more! He has ceased to be!
that most televised American sketch comedy has been bad
eating Irish children, because it sounded like a good idea
that BAD sketch comedy has killed the parody
getting into a fight over what the correct way to crack an egg is
that sketch comedy has killed the parody
saying "roight"
accidentally affecting a bad Cockney accent in that last regret
quite
that, on the other hand, you quote like the thirty second books
thinking you might actually be a good comedian
wondering what the fuck The Art of Subtle Satire is doing anywhere near the Regret Index
that you think the worst thing to ever happen to comedy is the five second movies, especially the titanic and lion king ones
anthropophagy
anthroposophy
meating a stranger in a dark alley
wondering why perfection doesn't seem to exist considering you find being perfect so easy
wanting to share all the meat things in the world
meating Sarah
wanting to share all the neat things in the world
that you find it EASY
that you find it hard to balance between your rampant Romanism and your deep set paganism
!!!!
nurses
that you find it hard to balance between your rampant romanticism and your deep set pragmatism
Sarah
saying, with a sort of exasperation, good bye
that cristina nehring HATES you
spitting on a hot light bulb to watch it fizzle away
being told that your saliva contains like three times the minerals of an average human
benign walrus lovers
b e i n g a w a l r u s l o v e r
that the air is full of spices
how much tongue you use, I guess, and where the tongue goes
Rirakkumo
Rirakkuma
that you like audio books, but only ever really feel like listening to ones that you've already read, which maybe seems pointless
that natto maguro is like your favorite food
pistols for pandas
not actually being sure what would make a makeout sloppy or tidy
Mr James
seeing cinnamoroll pimp mcdonalds
that the air reeks of vanilla
CHIKAN!!!!
well organized, perfectly timed makeouts
being sure you wrote procrasturbation on the old regret index at some point
sometimes wanting to have tidy makeouts
how many kids you hear saying "aaa!! dakurai da!" like, kids, it's rare in the pokemon world but darkrai merch is common as all hell
procrasturbating
that your chi is out of alignment
pikachu bhatoora
that you've been procrastinating on calling audible about not being able to activate audible on new devices because you can't deactivate your deleted partitions which you activated audible on
making your own ghee
sometimes wanting to have sloppy makeouts with ANYBODY
turning on an audiobook in the background but not actually listening to it
not being human
that something is technically wrong
being twitty
masturdating
sometimes wanting to have sloppy makeouts with people you see on the street or public transportation
twitticisms
more like Twitterbate
being twitterpated with your Twitter date
that all the books you want to read are not available on the kindle, why would amazon think you would want one
calling the girl you met on twitter your tweetie
that your plan is to move to the philippines and just live off of income from your internet projects
not creating a dating site with a one hundred and forty character cap on messages and calling it Twitterpate
that you never gnu that
the wark vs kweh debate
that all of the carbs eaten in space are pitas, tortillas, naan, etc because most bread has crumbs that clog instruments
chocobo chimichangas
chocobo tacos
choco tacos
being a bottom feeder with a suckhole mouth
that you made prints of that Tako illustration, and are selling them pretty cheaply because you printed them at the wrong size, but also you could print more that were the right size
takoyaki tacos
licking an ass cream maker
that you know that fish tacos exist, but are unsure whether octopus tacos do as well
that good naan makes up for not having tortillas, sometimes
lacking an ice cream maker
that in Japan, "tacos" can refer to the singular or plural
making tako tacos
that you would find it hard to live an extended period of time in a place that lacked taco supplies
having an eye for a father
having a eye that is dark even when it's light out
having a queer eye
finding a forum where people in cebu city basically just let each other know where they can find shortening and tortillas and things, basically the things you've been looking for in japan
being a chick who looks like a dude who reads chick tracts
having a boyfriend that looks like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year
being a chick who looks like a dude who looks like a chick
that the phrase "jacking off in the cookie dough" never caught on as an alternative to "poisoning the well"
that the places you've lived in Japan have not had ovens, which sucks because you really enjoy baking, and also eating freshly baked things
saying "CARLY" on iOrly
Charles, no, get out of my head Charles!
saying "ORLY" on iCarly
your perpetual twitterpation
being the touchtone genius
making cookie dough for the express purpose of freezing it and eating it in that form
being sorry to be the one to add the bananaphone regret, but you just had to
ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone!
clone alone
that it's that goblin
!"#$%&'
adding a regret to the regret index when you had only intended to search
doing a little dance, or putting something in his pants
always forgetting that the percent sign can be used in regrets
a skull shaped play
cool tapes
glyphs
not reading all of the comments on a regret before posting your own
being really cool
just rushing the ball into the score zone
giving it one hundred and ten%
H%R
that if the brothers chaps were indian musicians it would be homesitar runner
that when you were in third grade, you did a report on Iraq and had to draw the flag, but you couldn't draw five pointed stars so you just drew Stars of David instead
gene kelly jokes
not buying strongbad dot com and then being asked to pay some six digit figure to get it
dead baby jokes
yo mama jokes
geneology jokes
geology jokes
that the regret index on "not doing it" is so much higher than the one for "doing it"
not being able to use a star to abbreviate Homestar Runner with the Regret Index syntax
that you stopped eating melon bread after you realized how bad it was for you
being in despair
purchasing habsburg hotties dot com
being slain by a mamba snake
that it's hard out here for a pimp
that you are designing a gun that shoots rocks, and you're calling it a basalt rifle
trying to jump back into the frame only to have the frame move
that it's cold out here
that sometimes the database seems so distant and cold, and so difficult to connect to
that the system is down
that the regret index was just down
that the hr wiki needs a thousand and seven hundred dollars making the same mistake
that the hr wiki needs a thousand and seven hundred dollars
making the same mistake
that the original TGS actually wrote ARROWED rather than ARROW'D
being unable to put in three or four book titles and find if there's one Amazon used book storefront that has all or most of them
wondering if you drew that hotness
WHOA!
being ARROW'D!
being arrow'd
that when you fall in a bottomless pit you die of starvation
that more people should be like you
falling in a bottomless pit
eating colon
that Snape killed your mother
that Snape killed Floyd
being eaten by a grue
actually getting a really obscure Ultima reference
corgis
that the place where you live now is only five minutes away from where Kento will be next, IN TIME!
these bananas being shitty, s h i t t y
having a ten year old weiner
that the place where you used to live is only a couple of hours from where Kento used to live, and the place where you live now is only a couple of hours away from where Kento lives
having a seventeen inch deep jib
self insertion
classic fiction that's really just thinly veiled fanfiction of older classic fiction
that the original lolrus was actually an elephant seal
that the regret syntax version of a smiley, that is, colon parentheses, can be interpreted as either a happy smiley or a sad one, depending whether the parentheses is an opening one or a closing one
giving Kento an oosik for his birthday
not winning a date with tad hamilton colon parentheses
winning a date with tad hamilton
having no plans to read anything written by Ayn Rand, ever
that it's probably kind of disturbing, how much information and disinformation you've picked up about Kento in your time on the Regret Index
that your interests list includes stella and ayn rand
taking a trip down memory lane, but then getting jackknifed on bitter regret turnpike
calling your ex sort of girlfriend to tell her a knock knock joke you thought of
the knock knock joke you have
basing a television show on what you perceive Kento's life to be like
that nobody got to see your comments on one two six nine seven before it got bumped off the recent comments list
that, to answer an earlier regretters question, yes, seven inches is big for an Asian
this shit being bananas, b a n a n a s
that your clothes smell pretty noxious, but only because you dyed them earlier
wanting to watch something right now, but not owning it and it pretty much being unavailble on the internet and probably eighty percent of video stores
that Kento lives a charmed life, and by charmed you mean utterly bizarre
not talking about Kento's junk
STOP TALKING ABOUT MY JUNK
folk singers
that all the cool, pretty, laid back and age appropriate folk singers also happen to be lesbians, damn you Brandi Carlile and your seductive talent
that you didn't understand a word of that trailer but you still kind of want to see the movie
lying to a futon
wondering if Kento measured his penis only for the sake of the regret index
wondering if people are more weirded out by the vagina talk or the penis talk
having his carcase
that, seriously, the more you read regrets about Kento's penis, the more you want to never come back here
DISCUSSING PENISES ON THE REGRET INDEX
hearing that erect penises are larger than flaccid ones, and that this makes sex reassignment surgeries difficult
that it turns out the snow leopard is in fact a part of panthera
not having any idea what a "normal" size for a penis is, and therefore not knowing whether the numbers that people share are on the longish or shortish or normal or what
having a seventeen inch deep vagina
not even being sure if you're measuring it right
carnivorans
that they're subtle, but you feel you might have a crossbite and a lazy eye
how weird sexual organs are, I mean really, they're all pretty weird
being the big, ugly, bloated, pimpled, fatnecked, longtusked walrus of the Regret Index, who has no manners except when you are asleep
wondering how Kento feels about elephant seals
that walruses are actually fairly closely related to bears
bragging to the Regret Index about how big your penis, I mean seriously, ICK ICK ICK, Kento
halving a seven inch penis to collect the insurance money
having an uninsured seven inch penis
that you were going to write "having an unusured seven inch penis" as a regret, but you didn't know if "unusured" was a proper word form, so you looked it up on Google and got a ton of results, but they were all just people misspelling "unsure"
wathing Tim Burton movies
that this shirt picked up the dye you used on it, but the thread used to finish it didn't, which is kind of cool in its own way
back when they were selling that Chocolate Factory on TV, which pretty much consisted of a double boiler and some stupid accessories, and didn't they know
that your uninformed impression of Lost is that it's a sort of mix between The Prisoner and Lord of the Flies, only modern and not British, yet you remain unmotivated to learn how wrong you are
that Kento seems to be weirded out by some of the sex related regrets, but doesn't mind sharing the length of his penis on the Regret Index
sticking your Willy Wonka in her chocolate factory
that Johnny Depp's chocolate factory had a delicious opening
having a superfluous colon
skipping a grade
being in the same country as Kento
wanting to go out with a misunderstood genius, female
being a dude who looks like a woman who looks like a dude
having an unused seven inch penis
having a seven inch penis
that everything you've made, or even touched, since Pulp Fiction has been complete diarrhea
that although Big Fish contained neither Depp nor implied necrophilia, it bore the unerasable taint of Elfman
directors who show promise but then retreat back into formula
that people forget Ed Wood, starring Johnny Depp, was not only pretty good but actually about something
wondering how many people will call Tim Burton a genius for Nine, even though he's only producing it
that you probably will see the Tim Burton version of Alice, because you're kind of a whore for that sort of visual aesthetic, but really can't he do anything that doesn't involve Depp and whoever he happens to be dating or married to at the moment
that five years ago you would have been thrilled to see a Tim Burton version of Alice, but now you feel it's just another movie with Johnny Depp in it
that five years ago you would have been thrilled to see a Tim Burton version of Alice, but now you feel it
signing the things at the bottom of your lungs
always ordering your coke without ice, so that it doesn't get stuck in your nose when you snort it
having seen an Evony ad for the first time today
purchasing some of those totally wicked Huggies
haha, I really screwed that one up
purchasing one of those totally wicked Snuggiespurchasing some of those totally wicked Huggies
purchasing one of those totally wicked Snuggies
Parkinson's Law
philosophical zombies
those fucking Evony ads that make people think you're looking at porn on your lunch break when you're just looking up lyrics
loving horses, and your boyfriend too
being crazy 'bout Elvis
loving Jesus, and America too
loving your mama
being a good girl
that fifteen years ago you would have been thrilled to see a Tim Burton version of Alice, but now you feel he's just another boring goth with a weird necrophilic lolita complex
that fifteen years ago you would have been thrilled to see a Tim Burton f
everything Stan Lee has ever created
buying and Alanis Morissette CD
mb
not making it clear to her that NO WE ARE NOT FRIENDS AND NEVER WILL BE
eating your heart out
finding Nemo
fuckin'
losing my virginity to a guy I met on MySpace
that Nine looks like it might be an interesting film, but the original short film was so simple and beautiful, you're not sure if the added characters and voices and plot and effects is going to make it better
that six feet under would have been a lot better if it was about billy chenoweth and also if he wasn't like crazy in a clinical way just crazy
that you actually have a hildegard cd
Hildegard of Bingbong's pushy oompah band
Hildegard's constructed language
seeing a character actress you had a small fling with crop up in bit parts from time to time, and being just sleazy enough that you wish you'd documented the event on camera as proof in case she ever hits the Hollywood "A" list, just as proof, you know
not having stocked your home with more liquor against these boring moments, and not being in the mood to go out
getting bored the MOMENT you have more than fifteen minutes with nothing to do, seriously, you haven't been this restless since you were FIVE
reading BoA's blog
watching ExMen III
meating Hildegard von Bingen
that your biggest nonessential financial drain right now is probably buying Coca Cola in glass bottles at that place down the street where you're pretty sure they're grossly overpriced, but it's a nice place and you want to support it and mmm glass Coke
saying "That baby is cute WHEN!!" It totally wasn't
saying "That baby is cute when it totally wasn't"
saying that "Baby is cute" when it totally wasn't
renting too many boring movies
your cat kneading your bladder in the morning when you most have to pee
saying that baby was cute when it totally wasn't
quartering a seventeen inch long penis
secretly liking the terrible fanfiction you write
halving a seventeen inch long penis
that you think you're turning Japanese, you think you're turning Japanese, you really think so
not seeing a ghost!
seeing a ghost
that, whatever, no one likes you
the Vagina Bandit
Foreplay slash Long Time by Boston
that Hanna is not a boy's name
that you were earlier trying to think about whether the phrase would be "are you kidding me" or "am I kidding you"or "are you kidding you" when translated into the Regret Index syntax
your vagina being bigger on the inside
polyloguing
oligologuing
monologuing about your vagina
coming home a little drunk and posting on the Regret Index, and let me remind you, there are no lies on the Internet, only information THEY don't want you to know!
having a seventeen inch long penis
the vagina monologues
not being the first regretter with a vagina
wondering whether broads go around bragging about how girly their vaginas are
not being the first vagina regretter
feeling weird posting vagina regrets, but also feeling you must continue now that it's started
that your vagina is the deepest, broadest, ickiest vagina ever, guys, check it out
getting your vagina talk all over the Regret Index
bragging about what you have in your pants
wondering whether girls go around bragging to other girls about how icky their vaginas are
having a story you've been picking at for nine years, and it's not at all original or serious, but you still like it and yet have no idea how to organize all the bits and pieces
having an accommodating vagina
that it will probably seem, to the casual user going through regrets at random, that the vagina depth regret is a parrot or the penis length regret, when really it's the other way around
saying BOOM, BABY!
drinking Josta
wondering whether girls go around bragging to other girls about how broad their vaginas are
not actually being sure how to measure your penis or what measurement to use, sometimes it gets erect and it doesn't seem that big and sometimes it's longer than the long side of a dvd case, which i guess is like seven inches which i guess is big
having to leave an irc channel because somebody hated you so much and began linking to dickgirl pics as an act of anger against you, which is a weird way to act, really
trying to snort coke only to have the ice cubes get stuck in your nose
going to try and peddle your wares to shops in a nearby tourist town
not knowing enough about writing, you feel, to know whether you've done it successfully
writing poems and posting them anonymously on missed connections, but forgetting to save them
jiggling your puffs
bragging about how long your fallopian tubes are
wondering whether guys ACTUALLY go around bragging to other guys about how long their penises are
enjoying twoubesock's witty badinage
wondering whether go around bragging to other girls about how deep their vaginas are
Wrigglymuff
Gigglyfluff
Wigglytuff
Jigglypuff
Igglybuff
loving Jigglypuffs so much you drew a picture of a Jigglypuff prejaculation
confusing axolotls with atlatls
chucking spears
wondering if maybe you should just start selling your shitty roommate's stuff to make up her part of the rent, if she's not going to come home and pay it
eating the fiveskin
fivesaking your family
forgetting to think of Kento first as a jerk
being filled with regret, unable to do anything useful and painful in the stomach
loving Jigglypuffs so much you drew a picture of a Jigglypuff
prejaculation
the tubes being clogged
drawing cartoons in Khartoum
that spider laying eggs in your brain
that your roommate seems to have taken up a strategy of just never coming home so she doesn't have to pay rent on time, you guess
eating hard buns for breakfast
that Kento's armor is Hardrock, and his Virtue is Gi
going around halfcocked
that Kento doesn't even have his own Wikipedia page
being for fake children
that nobody has ever said anything important or insightful on twitter, I mean you would that whole monkey typewriter thing would start to come into play
taking guff
THIS VERY WEBSITE
seeing someone say "reminds me of nostalgia"
having an adnate hymenium
hurting yourself in your confusion
being some striped fit gay Antarctican who posts in a stupid forum for children and complaints like a winning shemale
that the urbandictionary definitions for your name are actually weirdly flattering
getting malware from a facebook popup ad years ago and hating it ever since
making a fake Facebook just for kicks but forgetting the password almost immediately, then getting kicked off but still getting emails from Facebook periodically
flushing toilet
OCD
peeing on the moon
wishing ryan north would persuade you
raulking out with your caulk out
that cartoonists are frequently, secretly fond of each other
that ryan north said today he has at least had a girlfriend while you were fairly certain he was of the other persuasion
that a roommate you had a year ago and haven't heard from since has sent you an invitation to join facebook and since you're a lonely loser and it's a nice gesture you want to accept but you also don't really want to have a social networking page
taking out a prepaid temporary credit card only to find out you need to send them a copy of your social security card and driver's liscence to activate it
that Kento takes a lot more abuse on the internet than any other person you've ever seen
always feeling off put about enjoying movies recommended to me by horrible people, in this case I Heart Huckabee's, starting in apprehension at liking the same thing as someone so horrible, culminating in anger that a shrew is allowed to enjoy nice things
watching I Heart Huckabee's not on acid, but finding it moderately entertaining nonetheless
watching I Heart Huckabee's on acid
not knowing where all these gnats are coming from
wanting to break into an aquarium with a girl
clone syrup
that your life is basically a really bad harem anime
joining the mexican version of the jonas brothers which is pronounced honyas
reaching down your throat and pulling out your own heart
being the guy on the regret index
joining the wu tang
really wanting to have sex with your girlfriend now not having a codor
that someone here likes the name sixhundredwildchatlogsDOTrar as much as you do
sprinkles
never having seen a condom
that you can't stop eating for some reason
being ownage
living with a self centered self righteous idiot, possibly the worst combination
how sweet your sweet fat orange cat's little pink lips and pink noseywose are
feeling like you've only got a little less than four months left to live, but not having any basis for this so still having to worry about a means to support yourself after that time
immediately knowing who it was who had appeared on urban dictionary, only because of his weird brand of fame
being some stupid fat gay Asian who posts in a stupid forum for children and complaints like a whiny shewoman
that, with the average day rate of a motion graphics designer, you would be able to work only five days a month and still make more than what you need to support your current lifestyle
Rhodesia
that someone wrote about you on urban dictionary
reading the wikipedia article on frogs, and not seeing anything about this alleged vomiting maneuver
being able to choose your lifestyle only within the limits of your income, and being unable to choose your income at all
choosing an income your lifestyle can't support
that diamonds can be made from peanut butter, seriously, screw you db
that diamonds can be made from peanut butter, seriously, screw you DeBeers
that it's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
that it's impossible to sneeze with your mouth open
that the chicken's original habitat is the jungle
that Coca Cola is green before they add artificial dyes to it
that frogs don't have teeth, their eyeballs are nestled above the roof of their mouth, and they squidge their eyeballs into their head and it squashes the food! That is why they do that weird thing with their eyes, they're chewiiinnngggg
that pigs' orgasms last thirty minutes
that if someone tells you you are "One in a million", that means there are about one thousand three hundred people just like you in China
that a frog can't empty its stomach by vomiting, a frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth, then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again
not being a true Scotsman
never having given a blowjob
bumming a fag
that the names in comment threads aren't more visually distinct from the comments, especially when you're reading long threads late at night
being tallish and surprisingly well endowed, although you're so insanely picky not everyone gets to see it
being thin with big breasts
having no income, and having two close friends who also have no income, and all of you are suddenly and desperately in need of money for separate reasons
that the pain is really bloody distracting
Mark Twain's The Awful German Bandit
choosing a lifestyle your income can't support
that whithersoever and whenceever are words afterall, yay
that sometimes it feels like you will never be making enough money to break even, let alone actually get ahead
missing your last chance to take a trip to Europe for probably quite a long time
kind of wanting to crawl into this book and die
that you can say wherever, but you can't say whitherever or whencever
the pain
having grown up eating hardly anything but candy and junk food
that you eat candy and chocolate whenever you want now, though, to be clear, so it's not like you're some insufferable evangelist or anything, you just think you got a head start on health
having been really mad at your parents when you were a kid because you weren't allowed sweets, junk food or fast food, and you didn't even taste candy until you were ten, but in hindsight you are clearly in better shape than your peers as a result
having not ever had a jolly rancher, ever
everything going to shit all at the same time
a beautiful, shapely girl with long, wavy raven hair and the most disfigured gray unbrushed teeth and cadaver breath you have ever experienced, omg life why do you give with one hand and take away with the other
das du kann nicht sprechen Deutsch gut
the Horrible German Bandit
having, at the end of a sentence, a comma, close quotes, close parantheses, and a period, all directly after one another
sinking beneath their wisdom like a stone
twitching at the sight of that
das du hast Brian Pfeffer gefleischen
that although you haven't eaten a Jolly Rancher in fifteen years, you remember that they always used to stick to your teeth and their unremarkable flavor failed to make up for that
regrorts
things, because I sure don't
Non, je ne regrette rien
kind of hoping that last regret was written by a girl
all of those fellatio dreams you've been having lately
that the badly constructed German regrets are annoying you as well, and you don't even remember much in the way of proper German
having impure thoughts about a teenage regrette
talking to a girl irl
joining the dead Kennedies
das thing das du regretest
contracting orchitis
eating the foreskin
blitzing wolves
having impure thoughts about a teenage Winona Rider
impressively hardening trying people
being swift
trying too hard to indent people
trying to impress hardy people
hardly trying to impress people
being interested in career opportunities at American Greetings!
trying to hardly impress people
trying too hard to impress people
replying to all those job posts
that Jolly Ranchers are unique in that they always, without fail, make you salivate even by just THINKING about them
displaying symptoms of suicidal behavior almost constantly, regardless of whether or not you're actually suicidal at that time
trying to detach yourself from people and from the world and from any semblance of personality as much as you are able
Tim Burton's weird corpsefucking obsession
your dying bride
considering forsaking your Index name
making a musical swan reference
forgiving an ugly face because of a great body
a modest proposal
eating that swan burro
letting slip the swans of war
turning loose the swans
couplets in the longest poem in the world wherein the two lines actually have related content
trying to be overly precise in order to communicate clearly, largely out of fear that people will disapprove of you if you don't explain things exactly right, only to have people misunderstand you anyway
not knowing where these god damned fruit flies are coming from
being a porn star named Anna Phallactic
getting kicked out of Men Without Hats because you bought a hat
that if your friends don't dance, if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine
Wisconsin
burning your bra
men without hats
eating a marzipan swan
tasty delicious swan
assuming that animal that looked like it was smiling was happy
wondering if the Grand Canyon is really just a giant ant colony for burros
eating gnocchi with a donkey
eating churros with some burros
that donkeys are uglorable
not studying for your Rorschach test
meating Summer Glau in Tehran
forgetting to close your tags
biting into a hot pepper in that spaghetti
logging into Brian Peppers
not knowing what STTNG is
logging into a hot tamale, hurr hurr
watching muted STTNG with the audio track from Gargoyles
watching Gargoyles
blithely singing "La Marseillaise" in the back of a squad car
maggie eating the world
drunkenly and airily calling a cop "gendarme" not as a weird joke or a taunt but in all earnestness because when you are doused you slip into different centuries and countries you've read about because you're in such a jolly good mood
not being able to log on to your hotmale
having a menstrual cylce that's like clockwork
being a smart unripened whore
jimmying Jimmy's jammed gym
that all those nuns you executed are now non nuns
being a being being reading "Reading 'Reading "Lolita" in Tehran' in Tehran" in Tehran and "Kafka on the Shore" on the shore with a swan
executing your fiendish plants
executing your fiendish plans
executing your ideas
being a being being
using lack of time as an excuse to not do much with your ideas to avoid having to admit your ideas are not very good
being a little bored and lonely
being full of ideas but having no time to do much with them
being a vegetable
setting it and forgetting it
having a latex allergy
being a stupid spoiled whore
being flat as a board and easy to nail
that the word "movie" sounds like baby talk, actually
curing your swin flu by having sex with a swin
eating cookies and milt
that your menstrual cycle is too irregular for you to be able to point out one week a month and say "that's when I'll most feel like stabbing people in their faces", instead only knowing afterwards why it was you felt so crazy and full of rage
going to all that trouble to create an internet hoax and it didn't even make it to the Hot Twenty Five on snopes
curing your swin flu by having sex with a swine
curing your AIDS by having sex with a virgin
going all twitchy when someone fucks up German grammar to that extent, seriously it's worse than English, probably because you're less desensitized to it
only having boring DVDs to
trying to incorporate Fifty Cent into your life
living on Pen Island
being such a WHORE
trying to incorporate nonsense into your life
trying to incorporate adsense into your sites
two of your cats forcing you to take an hour nap this evening, so you'll be up all night
adult braces
your ex's blended remains running down the sluice so quickly
not finding Nicole Richie especially attractive, but still wondering how a three hundred forty seven pound guy managed to nail her
still being hungry after polishing off an enormous plate of food not three hours ago, not having been to the gym in weeks
running over your ex so quickly
das du has diese Filen downgeloadet
replac!ng letters in your words w!th punctuat!on
orz
using the wrong punctuation at the end of your sentence&
interrobangs!
finding attraction in general to be creepy, especially when you're sober and imagine it being directed at you
having licked her butt lacking knickers
giving Muhammed a salmon helmet
having liquor but lacking mixers
that you can't even go and buy some beer or something different to eat, not even from the cheap section of the store, cause all that money in your account's going towards rent tomorrow
working all day on something that probably won't do you any good anyway
going fishing with your dad
being so bored at work that you look forward to taking a dump because it passes the time
strict authoritarians
being named Skip
Jimbo Swan
antanaclasis
what an enormous number of utterly crap Seth MacFarlane series somehow get greenlit for TV
sexual metaphors
riding the snake to the ancient lake
thinking "Nine" looks pretty good
what an enormous number of utterly crap Joss Whedon series somehow get greenlit for TV
what an enormous number of utterly crap films somehow get greenlit for screen
going to Diplopedia hoping there would be a whole bunch of information about diplodocuses
that Google's business plan is to take an existing service, make minor interface changes, brand it with the Google label, then declare it the most revolutionary thing in the history of the internet
that all of Joss Whedon's actresses look the same
making love to the west wind
being so translucent
Capucha
that you still find the attraction to Summer Glau to be creepy, as even at this age she looks like she's about twelve
wanting to take a picture of that baku sign but it is totally gone, but you think there's another one somewhere
being so transparent
Kento
wondering how much people regret you
wishing that the comments for the "Wisconsin" regret from the old dex hadn't been deleted
that Calvin most likely used Hobbes to masturbate at least once
doing Goku in his ass
going Goku on his ass
reading Rilke
meating Christopher Guest and finding him to be a sullen asshole
trying to argue that Final Fantasy was steampunk
not realizing that Zeppelin was a genericized trademark
piloting a blimp to Blimpie's to buy a sub to eat on your sub
still liking Lost for its absurdity, but wishing it had morexthan the seven or so incidental musical cues, three of which are used about every twenty or thirty seconds on average
taking Chewie to the levee
being a submarine captain and eating a submarine sandwich
blook blook blook
what a bleak bloke Blake was
speaking in an inscrutable dialect
how much you love your fat, happy cat, although he's not all that fat, just big boned, his head's twice the size of his adopted sister's, and he's bright orange and both his pink front paws are pressed into my face as he purrs
getting murdered by Robert Blake
wanting a man with a slow hand
smokin' all those nuns with your Berreta when you meant to use your Beretta
Japanese nun porn
smoking Vince Shlomi's nuts
smokin' all those nuns with your Berreta
smoking all those anchovies when you coulda been smokin' nuns
smoked anchovies
Knute Halverstrom's bar
having bare nuts
nethacking bare
nuts! here comes Niels Bohr
gnats heaving a boar
not halving a bear
loving Firefly so much, you would drink corked wine if it'd been pressed between Summer Glau's long, delicious and elegant toes
hating Firefly so much you can't even watch real fireflies without getting pissed off
not having any beer
giving someone a free pass on bad behavior because you agree with their politics
that beer is carbonated in a completely different way from soda, so it would probably be a complete failure
being sorta interested in trying a "beer float", except it seems like a terrible waste of both beer and ice cream
drinking vodka and red bull and ecstasy and viagra
wondering whether all of the regrets have synchronized their ovulation
having sex with your xbox, apparently
drinking OK soda
narf
trying to use quinine as an abortifacient
considering getting a console, but really having no idea what the pros and cons of an xbox, psthree or wii are, wondering if this could be the 'dex's console advice thread
getting tusk implants
taking your Chevy to the levee
playing Oregon Trail II Dark Territory
attempting to rivet your Ford
attempting to ford the river
trying to imagine someone running across a few of these regrets, out of sequence, and trying to interpret them
sending that Korean girl you met on myspace five hundred dollars for her breast implants
toe scrutation, on webcam, late at night
your Martian kitty in a paste, toobfuscat, just squeeze her out and listen to her purr
autoscrutation
autoobfuscation
being an inscrutable autodidact
that heavy boxes perform quick waltzes and jigs
jumping over the lazy dog
being an utterly deciphered lackwit
anticermonialist nonmaterialities
being on the rag
Eva
that you have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself
dermatillomania
a hotdog ninja genital
urban dwarves
that chance where you PROBABLY could've kissed that person, but didn't
that a google search for agentNUMERALFIVENUMERALSEVEN used to give our agent fifty seven's livejournal, but now it gives the Danger Mouse, followed by a Danger Mouse fansite, followed by her deviantart
necropyropedophilia
not studying for your Turing test
Muslim EXXXTREME!ists
hola! hello!
tasty delicious spam
eating out
being EXXTREME, the extra X is for extra EXTREME
sexing it up with your cousins
alot
suddenly remembering that time when you were thirteen and you accidentally touched your sister's butt and both your mom and your sister thought you did it on purpose and said "
gniksamkcab
resembling furries
calling the kettle black
chamber poop
thinking the song "Hammer," by Sarah Blasko, was written in response to something you did
chamber pop
that humans have so many different ways to hurt
that you always liked Sinclair more than Sheriden
sboob gninoops
that people who call themselves misunderstood geniuses are probably not as smart as they think they are, and probably better understood by others than by themselves
considering posting a fake job post on the creative gigs section of Craigslist, to see how other people respond to things and whether you could be doing better
being a little in love with Egg Girl, you really need to spend less time online
being a well understood dullard
kinda wanting to see "The Room" at The Music Box tonight, but having lost track of time while cooking a chicken tomato squash thing, and it being too late to call anyone, besides, it's probably sold out
being a misunderstood relatively intelligent person
being a genius
judging people so quickly and so easily
that you could never decide whether you thought Jonathan Frakes was attractive or creepy
your tendency to over explain yourself in regret comment threads
that Kento's just this guy, you know
wondering how long it would take to watch all seven seasons of Star Trek The Next Generation, and maybe all of the movies
TEHHHHHHHHH
selling your semen, carbonated and bottled
selling your semen
letting your babies grow up to be cowboys
having an abortion and feeling absolutely no different than before I knew I was pregnant
not even bothering to get dressed
thinking you might have thrush, but not having any yogurt on hand
wondering of someone can be your compatriot if they're from a different country
that you're gonna stop with the friend thing, because you don't want an enemy, but now you don't know what to refer to Kento as
thinking that liking high art doesn't always make you more mature
semen stans
having toothmarks on one of your fingernails from biting your finger so much
flight sims
still sort of thinking that your disagreement with Kento on friendship is probably more a question of imprecise language than anything else, ie maybe he has a different definition of friendship than you do
having kind of been planning to go to bed at a more reasonable hour, but now having had one of the most terrifying moments of your waking life, and knowing you're not going to be able to go to bed, and hell maybe you should just pull an all nighter
picking your son, picking your daughter too, from the bottom of a long glass tube
eating all the breast pieces out of the twelve piece bucket of fried phoenix
that considering Kento to be your friend just to disturb him is a pretty unfriendly thing to do, and you don't want to be unfriendly to such a good friend
eating ketchup right out of the bottle
kentoken tokento
thinking of Kento as your token Kento
the boner police
that with all your love angst, in your clearer thinking moments you just don't feel ready for a relationship at all, and would probably freak out and back away quickly at any displayed interest
being wrapped in two million five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal, all alone in the night
thinking of Kento as your token Asian friend
that you think you'll start to refer to Kento as a friend, just to annoy him
managing to hold a sixty seven comment conversation on the Index
being insecure about your inability to relate to insecure people, since you just deal with it by acting like you own the place
discovering that there is a button on Youtube that hides all those sanityHYPHENchallengingly stupid comments
going to sleep now, at least an hour and a half too late, although you feel kind of like you're getting sick
worrying that kento does not approve
developing a fetish by accident
wanting to tie her up
wishing it had been two and a half years for you, as it has not yet been one, and it is friggin' hard to deal with
that it's been two and half years, you feel like pseudonym over here
having sent like fifty emails in the past week to this one person telling them ridiculously personal things and you don't know why exactly
feeling pretty crazy lately
that you should have known, three hours ago, that you would be in this state now
that just angsting about love seems so juvenile, but really tonight it's connected with a number of other things
the amazing regrette index
starting a website called Penis Land and having people make fun of it because your domain name could also be read as Pen Island
that reading the regret index is like watching robots fall down the stairs
making her choose between you and the rest of the world
that the lack of sleep is probably only making it worse, as in your experience sleep dep only makes you less emotionally stable
that bear hugs can only be given by someone a certain amount larger than you
that you know it to be a rush of hormones and a constriction of muscles and other physiological reactions, but sometimes it feels like something in your heart and throat is reaching out for some kind of contact
that it probably, for you, all goes back to a lack of those bear hugs you used to get, that are no longer available to you
that some unnamed person on the regret index is wasting their night discussing their lack of a love life instead of sleeping
the four hours of sleep you probably won't be getting tonight
that love, love will tear us apart again
the amazing reject index
missing that feeling of waking up on a cold morning and thinking of her being in the blankets with you, what would you miss had that this actually happened
that Kento apparently has had occasion to say something extremely romantic
having the first long comment conversation in a really long time, and being happy about this
that the more confident someone else is in themselves and in their point of view, the more likely you are to feel ashamed if you disagree with them, especially if you have voiced this opinion
the amazing insecurity index
peer pressuring Kento
THAT I AM IN DESPAIR
shrinking your shrink's head
usually feeling like apologizing for your anxiety, but recently having been helped by your shrink to understand that it's not something that needs to be apologized for, although you still don't get this on a subconscious level
that your writing project has turned out better than expected, and as such has given you some small hope that maybe you're not worthless after all, though to be fair you had hardly any expectations and your positive feelings about it come and go
being able to relate so well to other people's angst on the Index
still being awake
being very good, you think, at making most of the world think you are semi talented, nice, funny, and not at all a nervous wreck and social retard
usually feeling like apologizing for your anxiety, but then feeling anxious that that is annoying to people as well
that it sucks to think that your parent died twelve years ago, and you're still experiencing aftershocks and you don't feel like a normal person, and you don't know if after twelve more years you'll be over it yet
that you think you were once in a relationship, but the person you were with does not think of it as a relationship, which makes you feel creepy
that sometimes you really believe you'll never, ever, be in a relationship
always wondering if things were ingrained in your personality since youth, or if they're a result of the grief you went through, and if you'll ever really get over that, because you keep trying and ending up in the same place
for some reason, not being able to stop feeling scared and guilty about everything
just having another thing to hate yourself for
realising that the time you set aside for the trip is about ten days from now, and you're not prepared at all, it probably won't work out
being ghetto as fuck
needing a precise synonym for "ghetto", but with a slightly earlier date of origin but without the specifically Jewish association
originally starting a business fully intending to fire whoever you had to as needed whenever you needed to increase your personal take to cover expenses, only to discover you don't have the heart to, goddammit
living in a country without single payer universal healthcare
that, despite having insurance, your recent emergency room visit is going to cost you over twenty four hundred dollars
doing the hokey pokey and turning it all about
letting the left one out
that quite honestly, your only regret about having once fictionalized a large part of your life is the fact that reality is one thousand times stranger than anything you could make up and much, much harder to believe
not being above, despite your borderline avuncular affection for a young person, watching her engage in all manner of naked friskies with a variety of well paid strangers online
watching the girl whose nails you used to watch her paint online turn eighteen and embark on a career in hardcore porn, no joke
letting the right one in
orisinal dot com
never leaving the house except with friends or to got to your shrink
being late for an important meating
that your fear of people has increased to the extent that you're hardly even able to go into a store alone, even to just pick up one item
ever thinking you are qualified for anything
that you're probably pretty bad at interviews, but that's okay, since no one ever replies to your applications anyway
that you try to joke it off, but it really does bother you
crushing your boyfriend's new meat
finishing part one of three, at seventy four pages and about fifty five thousand words
Light Amplified by Ztimulating Omitted Radiation
having just written a bit you are particularly proud of, filled with archaic slander
having lots of dreams about having people after you trying to kill you, seriously that's probably at least eighty percent of the dreams you can remember clearly
asexual congress
often dreaming about the pond in your mom's back yard, though there's usually something weird about it, like it takes up the entire yard and the water follows the slope of the hill without flowing
having lots of dreams about giant spiders, rotting teeth, and tornadoes, though not all at the same time
having dreams with mundane parts and macabre bits, and the gore doesn't disturb you at all, but the mundane bits trigger your PTSD
crushing your boy's new meatfriend
having another of those "your dad didn't die, he just went away" dreams where your sister mentioned something about your dad in the dream, and suddenly you couldn't remember if he was dead or alive and if alive, what the story behind the fake death was if
having mundane dreams but waking up from them really upset and stressed out
having dreams with really threatening or disturbing imagery that, for some reason, aren't scary
bartenders younger than yourself, but older than your date
that while you can be smooth and suave in most situations, bars invariably throw you off, which sucks, since that is where your crush took you to meet her new boyfriend, leading you to feel like twice the out of place doofus
meeting your crush's new boyfriend
being hung up
wanting to dance with somebody, with somebody who loves you
that sometimes someone says something and it throws you off, but then you remember "oh, right, most people have intimate relationships with other people, that is the generally held norm, you are the exception"
that your laptop is angry at the Internet for some reason and refuses to talk to it
becoming inexplicably sad as you cook the last of the summer squash for your mother
worrying that maybe it's not just this roommate, maybe you'll feel this way about everyone you live with, ever, for the rest of your life
not looking at Missed Connections lately because you feel too ugly to be missed
that an Index comment can have three times as many characters as a Twitter post
the Socratic method
kind of wanting a pet rabbit
that Broadway in Chicago welcomes you to the Bank of America Theater, in keeping with the City of Chicago ordinance, smoking is not permitted within fifteen feet of the theater entrance, ladies and gentlemen, the theater is now open
all this time, thinking Sambo Chuppers was a guy
that Snape killed Alexander Hamilton
eating a beef
boldy going where no man has gone before
poon
connecting via dialup to boner central
that so many people are so stupid
going home
that in west Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where you spent most of your days, chllin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and shootin' some b ball outside of the school
chillaxin'
going to the time travelers' convention
feeling Ayn randy
that Snape killed Ted Kennedy
taking the hugest leak
not even knowing what to say to that
that long haired half chinea needs to die
wondering what Japan has done wrong this time
that Japan needs to die
never realizing how sad a song was until you looked up a translation
DOOOOOJ!
FROOOOOOSH!
that The Byrds would've been awesomer if Roger McGuinn had been a swan
being surrounded by GReeeeN fans but not having heard their songs, or really knowing anything about them other than that there are four guys and that's why there are four e's in GReeeeN
really really liking agentfiftyseven's copper moth necklace
that, to be clear, when you say someonevis your "secret girlfriend", you mean it's a secret from her
that your secret girlfriend, Mary Louise Parker, is on TV tonight, meaning you will get overexcited and in the morning wake up naked save for a CRT as a hula skirt and shards of broken screen in your penis
that The Birds would've been awesomer if Ron Wood had been a penguin
that The Birds would've been awesomer if Ron Wood
being bipartisan
liking your sex like you like your congress, stilted, formal, and culminating in a bill
that The Birds would have been scarier had there been only penguins
that penguins FREAK YOU OUT
looking that scary penguin in the eye
your overweening vanity in admiring your own life of regret
that your appearances on the 'dex have dwindled over time, skewing down the probability of your regrets being among those currently commented upon
hating EVERYONE
that your new camera turned on exactly once, leading you to believe that it is capable of turning on and that the battery is charged, but now it won't turn on again
that in your personal experience, the hassle of being crippled for a few weeks until it heals far outweighs the short term panic that, admittedly, does snap you out of whatever intense emotion led you to injure yourself in the first place
cutting
GReeeeN
SWEEEEEEEEEET
having a ten foot marble statue of Unicron in your bedroom
steampunk
being a violent girl, Rosella
eating a pita in Milan
talking to the ghosts in the ruined alchemy lab just west of the mint, and getting that really confusing Chaos Chaos Hierophant dialogue that you totally didn't understand
falling in love with a sunflower
frantically dancing naked for Beelzebub
sexual congress
desecrating that corpse
desecrating that gravesite
tapping without particular rhyme or reason
precticing
severing
that you like your evil the way you like your coffee, Irish
liking your coffee the way you like your tea, hot with a little bit of sugar and milk
Dance Dance Hippos
your first kiss
this siht
never making the coffee strong enough, it IS NEVER STRONG ENOUGH NEED MORE COFFEE GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT NEEDLE
precticing that pencil trick the joker did until you not only had it perfect but were also out of friends, family and homeless people in the area
running by the pool without scissors
scuffing your chuppers
that you like your women like you like your coffee,, with a little whipped cream on top for special occasions
describing your gentlemen parts as being the final frontier
asking "when you gonna let me hit dat"
choosing scissors
being Admiral Spock Skywalker, Admiral of the rocketship Babylon Galactica
having suddenly come up with an awesome machine of death idea, damn shame you're a few years too late to submit it
listening to something because it'll make you cry
that you lick your women like you lick your ice cream, the drippy parts first
that you like your women like you like your women, in a car in a car so they can drive while they drive
that you should probably get your unexpired but slightly damaged passport replaced, but you think you're just gonna show up at the airport with it and hope for the best
being one three three seven
being a Scientologist
looking at a thing in a bag
liking your women the way you like your databases, corrupted
liking your women the way you like your coffee, full of rohypnol and semen
sneezing like a horse
liking your women the way you like your ham, plump, juicy, and in the middle of sandwich
liking your women like you like your tea, you can see your future in them
breaking the pendants you are working on
rather liking tea instead
that you like your women like you like your coffee, male
that you like your women like you like your coffee, Irish
that you like your women like you like your coffee, sweet and full of whiskey
that you like your women like you like your coffee, in a blender with some ice and alcohol
that you like your women like you like your coffee, exhibiting a characteristic readiness to flow, little or no tendency to disperse, and relatively high incompressibility, also with milk and sugar added
that you like your women like you like your coffee, with a spoon in them
rocking me asleep
that you like your women like you like your coffee,, black
forgetting to vote for that one episode of armenian idol where your favorite got kicked off
Garden State
watching "The Disappeared" and not being able to tell, at the end of it, whether it was about vampires
having cancer
Children of Men
Donnie Darko
when books have a bunch of generic reviews on the back cover but don't tell you anything about what the plot is about
shemales
blasting off again
O Death, sparing me over till another year
hating every ape you see, from chimpan A to chimpan Z
being an improvident lackwit
that stringsoffate dot com now points to what seems to be a gay themed search engine
losing happiness
leaving my homework to the night before t's due
being pretty sure that, were you to start that webcomic you've been toying with for six or seven years, it would also die before the plot was completed
wishing for a planet full of unicorns
having a ten foot marble statue of a unicorn in your bedroom
that you like your women like you like your coffee, in a burlap sack thrown over the back of a donkey
buying a nintendo !!M
the regulars using regret number one seven five two five to message each other
being named Nate, then having sex in a car just so you could call yourself 'Sex in Car Nate'
crotch rot
not getting rid of that hangnail before it clawed my face
singing 'Love is a Battlefield' at a red light and getting caught
setting up a myspace account for a friend of yours using your password so your friend has your password and now they can read your email and see the confirmation email from the good charlotte power rangers slash forum you just signed up to
September Eleventh, Zero AD
that you like your women like your Tobasco, HOT, but the store only sells the green Tobasco so you have to like average looking women
chanseys with chainsaws
wagging your genitals at someone to make a point
Reenacting the 'lye scene' from Fight Club, and getting a chemical burn
not washing John Stamos's scrotum thoroughly enough
thinking PETA was a worthwhile cause until you found out that they're a collective of deceitful jackasses
drying yourself after a shower with a mildewy towel
waving the Irish evil salute at Sambo Chuppers, when she was really waving at Ryan's saved privates, behind you
pointing out that most people don't know the difference between "regret" and "resent" even though it's already been posted several times
selling your bra for fifty bucks to a bunch of horny junior high schoolers
not listening to sirens spit the best band ever
spooning Sarah's boobs
the Classic Regret Bandits
that the Beastie Boys really are always on vacation
your mom goes to college
taking your hat and jacket off, then you realize how sick that sounds
not gnitteg fman spleaker
being everywhere and nowhere
that objects in mirror are closer than they appear
trying to buy off the devil by offering him a shiny ditto on a third or fourth generation game
ZIING! THE EXTRA " I " MEANS EXTRA ZING!
lady parts
the Rand McNally Atlas Shrugged
thinking that Corpse Bride had a happy ending because Emily turned into butterflies
boning her
that guys named Zach tend to be really, really slutty
that girls named Tara tend to be really, really slutty
that percent signs are apparently considered valid characters but hyphens and periods are NOT
tyrannosexuality
Captain Jean Luke Skywalker
being c%l
being awfully hot, but also afraid to leave the house due to psychological issues, and therefore not taking a walk in the cool night air
having your memories backed up on a thumb drive, I'm looking at you, Dumbledore
kicking off your Sunday shoes
wondering whether someone with a non Caucasian skintone can be described as ashen faced if they are pale due to extreme exertion and or stress
that actual change time may vary
that the "asians" section on that porno site is full of pics of forty year old obese indians
adding a new regret when you meant to do a search
contributor
doing the samurai
not really knowing what High School Musical is, I mean, is it a show about a high school musical, or is it a musical about general high school stuff, and not giving a flying fuck either one way or the other so you don't want to bother looking it up
finding this charming English language newspaper written by Asian immigrants which ends all of its articles with "The End"
putting your picture up on goatse cx
eating all the fried chicken until you felt so sick you seriously almost puked
finding the hidden message "oooooooo" in your alphabet soup
buying Nintendogs
mistaking the sign saying plant food for penis food
Dressing u pas Captain Planet and kicking people in the groin while yelling Captain Planet
playing Strip Scrabble against a librarian
playing star fox sixty four
voting one thousand times on this regret
being born too late for tall ships, and too early for space ships
giving that hobo five dollars to pound a nail into his thigh
locking your keys in the car while thinking to yourself that you're locking your keys in the car
wasting your master ball on something shitty like Pidgeotto
that these regrets will make no sense to the newcomers
having never seen Sarah on this new index, and knowing for a fact that Ellipsis was never on it
realizing that someone is ReAdding old regrets from the first Index
Someone named Sarah making a stuffed Professor Science and wondering if it is the same Sara that roams this regret index
Sarah's festering angina
not eating that man sandwich with Bruce, Scott Temple, Avestriel, Kento, Ellipsis, Anonymous Contributor, Chubb D, and Sarah
that the tank thong combines the comfort of a tank top and the discomfort of a thong
medium sized antarctic tits
imagining that there's a cafe somewhere where all the american apparel models hang out and talk about philosophy and indie music, and the girls hang out with their nipples poking through their shirts and their drugged up expressions
wearing an American Apparel sundress while being shaved by a realdoll possessed by a video game obsessed devil
Getting you half chinease long haired friend in trouble coz u sed u had sex with his mum last night and as he replied getting caught by the nazu teacher and being moved
being friends with a long haired half chinease person that spends all day adding regrets that also seems to know ALL the words to Aladin songs
that almost all dragons are quad weak to ice
the Yarkovsky O'Keefe Radzievskii Paddack effect
unwittingly accepting an invitation to listen to nine sixth form girls talking about their bra sizes followed by the two next to you having a lesbian affair
that when she asked you what your hobbies were you said "computers"
trying really hard to hold onto something good and worrying about it ending instead of just enjoying the moment
not realizing until now that it's not just by chance that you feel really good after you smoke salvia but it has an actual afterglow, the feeling of which is ridiculously better than the trip itself, and if you had known this before, goddammit
being singile
that Hellscream murders Cairne Bloodhoof
Laugh at Dane Cook's Joke
omphaloskepsis
spackling your buttcrack shut
registering to a forum with the username sixhundredwildchatlogsDOTrar
being a fucking genius at love
not being able to bring yourself to go to sleep despite being too exhausted to DO anything, at all
being unable to do what you need or want to
FUCKING THE PEOPLE'S KIDS
that "hurting yourself" currently has an index of ZERO
sending a picture in to Photoshop Disasters of a girl who was recently murdered, and then feeling bad about it, but man that was some bad Photoshopping
getting spayed
THE FUCKING POOR PEOPLES KIDS
being a melungeon
THE FUCKING RICH PEOPLES KIDS
that you've yet to play any Metal Gear
that daiquiris are so tasty and so, so alcoholic
used the wrong verb form
losing your erection
being quarantined
not feeding Jesus's sheep
THIS REGRET INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
trying so hard to live up to your own expectations
not understanding why you keep worrying about things after people have told you, numerous times, that it's okay
having a lower sex drive than your panther
not understanding what part of "please don't form a line outside the special needs bathroom" is so hard to understand
doing a swan dive
middle age women who use the word "potty"
that your current job is making you really hate old people, just like your last job maked you hate young, rich, stay at home moms
that every time you smoke pot you feel like you have gills
the death of webcomics before their plot is completed
that every time you robotrip you feel like an alien
that the walrus is a Viking symbol for death
that Evony is the best free massively multiplayer online strategy game on the web that you can play anywhere on your browser, build your own empire and conquer the land, interact with thousands of other players, and master a rich action packed strategy
that you heard someone the other day actually say "I'm a Mac" rather then "I use a Mac" or "I prefer Macs," and you began to hate living in a world when people so willingly brand themselves with corporate identities
being cool, but rude
walking home very sad, and actually getting sprayed on repeatedly by passing cars, i mean seriously
rewatching The Fountain
that none of the light weight japanese drawing programs out there have Mac versions
using olive body butter
that you like the art you create but you still, on occasion, wish it were completely different
briefly wondering if she's doing it on purpose
unplanning a trip to Europe
not being able to decide between "roommate" and "room mate"
wondering if it would be bitchy to ask your room mate if she could not listen to that soundtrack, as your job involved listening to the same music several times in the last month
no offense Kento
seeing "Inglourious Basterds" but having the bad breathed cologne wearing unwashed body space invading talks to himself like he's talking to you laughs loudly at the serious parts foot jiggling goddamn Aspie sit down next to you
your site's orange, white, and blue color scheme
life, GmbH
life, LLC
not being able to remember what the specific hype about Avatar was, now that the trailer is out
always preferring Dorothy to Angel
finding yourself singing "what what in the butt"
ass for clunkers
getting rear ended
peeing soup all night
eating pea soup for dinner
eating pea soup for lunch
eating pea soup for breakfast
Bert slash Ernie cannibalism fetish porn
index
that the slot for one one nine six five contains no regret
that "sex for clunkers" would have been way more effective
that suddenly, all at once, something happens
sleeping in the bear shed
talkin' all fancy, like one o' them saloon girls
cash for clunkers
resting for thirtytwo bars
using the Index as a source of grammar information
that, specifically, you want to know if it's proper to say "took an object from out the container it was in" or if you have to say "out of the container"
relying heavily on dictionary dot com's usage notes, especially for archaic constructions
trying to figure out whether it is necessary to say 'of' after 'out', why doesn't dictionary dot com have a usage note on this, seriously
dallying with the penguins
delaying the penguins
not being able to measure more things in Scoville heat units
tangrams
that smilies and similes are anagrams
overcome with much sadness and regret, dying heartbroken
not stealing that MG you walk past on your daily route
winning a hot rod from Holt Auto Sales
wondering how to determine the nationality of regrets
talking all fancy, like one o' them saloon girls
the episode of Salute your Shorts with Zeke the Plumber
Daley selling the rights to the penguins and any proceeds from the penguins to Morgan Stanley for seventy five years
wondering if Kento is secretly a bear
Daley eating penguins
being on an African reserve with Catherine Deneuve
having frozen seabird with Jean Seberg
saying "before" rather than "in front of"
your prandial palate for propinquitous penguin pops
your regret being tarnished by a lesser's propinquity
peaople who say "next to" when surely they must mean "above" or "below"
not understanding why James Cameron would choose to shoot Avatar on a Sega Dreamcast, apparently
there not being superlatives enough in this language or any other to describe how fantastic District Nine was
saying "you'd" in a regret concerning a WWII flick, little Yiddish for you there
that you did not, in fact, go see the new Tarantino flick tonight at midnight like you'd thought you might
eating fast food tonight for the first time in a long time and feeling like you just licked a giant salt lick
pretending you didn't add regrets that are right next to regrets you added
meat circus
this face
that a single less than sign does not count as a entry in the "your name" field
having another one of those days where you hate everything, especially the thoughts going through your head, and it feels like the only way to get them out of your head is to share them with someone else, but doing so makes you feel even more annoyed
assuming that lamenting about a problem precludes any action to solve that problem
lamenting to your friends about your problems while also, simultaneously, trying to solve them, maybe not as much as you could, but still
lamenting to your friends about your problems instead of trying to solve them
that normally you would turn to this one friend to lament the directions your life is taking, but you've been doing that so much lately that it seems unfair to continue to do so
getting a mail from Direct Loans to tell you about some more money you've lost
that for every step forward in your attempt to break even, karma kicks you twice in the shins
having to take a pee and take a dump really bad, and then sitting down on the toilet and not being able to sort out the conflicting signals that you're getting, so you just sit there in agony for a couple of seconds before your brain manages to get it
thinking about making weight gain a goal, because with any luck you would fail at that goal just like you do with everything else
that an artist you respect who has seemingly never acknowledged you, has come up with a creature rather similar to one you came up with, but you don't know whether to ask them about it
wondering if you'll kiss a boy before you die a horrible, lonely death
wondering if you'll kiss a girl before you're twenty two
being ripped into pieces and eaten without sauce
thinking that the border guards wouldn't notice the smell of the hookers rotting in your trunk
observing Be Silent Like A Ninja Day without realizing it
telling someone you had Asperger's when you didn't
finding God in a catalytic converter
hot rodding
being a dervish
getting stabbed in the glans
baracking out with your bacock out
that it's barack o'clock
that it's rock o'clock
that it's rock o'clockk
going out on the town with a live goshawk in your britches
being a gnigger
that your name doesn't show up on google's search guess autofill but "bucket saga," which you "coined" does
screwing up the grumblecakes caper
screwing up the Jumble Caper
that icanhascheezburger by itself makes tens of thousands of dollars a month
that you think "giving away icanhascheezburger dot com" would have an extremely high potential for regret, if only more than one person could honestly say that they had done it
starting a website called icanhaveacheeseburger dot com
that your dreams lately have been pretty mundane, and involve buying supplies for a project, messing up at a job, and performing a sexual act on someone who isn't responding to it at all
being in love with a girl you can't halve
how do regrets with twenty votes manage to have ratings that don't end in zero or five
being in love with a girl you can't have
that you tried to make a joke, but you bleu it
working bleu
that some puns are stilted, but yours are Stilton
that playing with frommage forms the basis of your auto frottage
iPhone adding the odd extraneous, comma to your sentences
getting the student rate at a movie tonight without even having to ask
that, now, having seen photos of your old classmates at their high school reunion, you ever spent a nanosecond last month examining your TWO unnoticeable wrinkles and fretting that you looked "old", lol
taking liberties
liking abortions
not knowing why anyone in the world gives a shit what Ashton Kutcher thinks
having to look up "expensive cheese" on Google to make that last spending ten minutes to make coffee this morning and forgetting regret
having to look up "expensive cheese" on Google to make that last regret
that some people can make cheesy puns like Caciocavallo Podolico, and others make cheesy puns like Easy Cheese, all orange and processed and gloopy
being hopped up on crazy
that you look like you have a five o'clock shadow, but it's one fourty five am
that you look like you have a five o'clock shadow, but it's just cinnamon
that you look like you have a five o'clock shadow, but it's just coconut dust
that if you really wanted to make money you would start doing coconut versions of the water nation necklaces from Avatar
that swine flu was creation of the International Jewish Conspiracy
giving lolitics dot com to a bunch of bastards
gallivanting
that you can't kill something twice
that the nausea has been transferred from your stomach to some identified part of you, possibly the spine
getting your dawg an abortion
that here you are, rock me like a hurricane
barfing me so on
that you think you dreamed about guns
your Sex Pistols tribute band, the Gender Rifles
training a team of five Walreins and a Drowzee
being pregnant with duodecuplets
getting your dog an abortion
girls, ewwwwww
eating the worries of people
BARFOUT!
THAT WE HAS FORMED TEAM TO TAKE BACK MAH BUCKET
suddenly coming across Kento's name on I Can Has Cheezburger
BnD MsTr
rape
that both "muggle" and "quidditch" are such fucking stupid words
that the magic of friday night fades a little each time you watch the clip, and now it no longer cheers you up, just distracts you a little from the weight of your depression
not understanding why anyone would think that oneoneeightthreeseven and oneoneeightthreesix are related
that in fact regret oneoneeightthreeseven was meant as an autobiographical reference to oneoneeightthreefive, among others
that that wasn't intended as a snub at all, or even to be related
feeling kind of bad about the snub that regretter oneoneeightthreesix got from oneoneeightthreeseven, even though you don't feel like picking up a chain right now either
that it feels more like it's spontaneously twitching than painful, but you can't claim that it's twitching without having seen it twitch, and you only felt it
that your huge scar is twinging, ACTUALLY TWINGING, you thought that only happened in stories
that "alright" has been accepted as an alternate colloquial spelling for quite some time, and appears in The Catcher in the Rye, A Clockwork Orange, and much of Faulkner
not really liking Twilight, but being overjoyed that something, anything, has managed to replace that sinkhole of fuckitude that is Harry Potter
returning to the Regret Index after a medical leave despite neither feeling top notch nor quite yourself yet
that the state of all right ness of everything depends on your definition of "all right", your definition of "everything", and whether it all needs to be "all right" at the same time or could be one after another
that although Metallica's black album was always your favorite, even in childhood, you've suddenly realized that your tastes have changed and Pastor of Muppets is so much better
having HUGE GUTS
trying to use the regret index as a source of information, although you very rarely get answers to your overly specific questions about what overly specific things are like
that we're no strangers to love
wondering whether there's any way an observer can tell whether a blind eye, which looks normal, was blind since birth or was blinded later through omacular degeneration or staring at the sun too much or something
hoping that one day you get a personalized handwritten letter from Lenka and Michael
using raspberry body butter
stepping on a large chunk of broken glass with bare feet, yet somehow not cutting yourself
breaking your last full sized glass from Ikea
tuning a fish
that one baits hooks while the other hates books
Playing "Muggle Quidditch" in college
planing a trip to Europe
that a fisherman is like a dull student
that everything is NOT going to be alright and anyone who says otherwise is an illiterate douchebag, seriously have they ever read a single book
making a ridiculous sweeping generalization, then tacking 'to me' at the beginning of it
being an unreliable narrator
having blue teeth
systemic arthritis
that everything is NOT going to be alright and anyone who says otherwise is an irritatigly optimist douchebag
spending all day watching speed run videos of games from fifteen years ago
that your dream is to never speak
floating in a most peculiar way
that last summer you believed that after a year in uni you would be completely different than the friendless weirdo who left high school but now you're going back to uni being a friendless weirdo who smokes too much weed, but maybe this year is the one
wanting to do more but thinking you should probably stop for the night
that she just doesn't realize that you would be a MUCH better boyfriend for her than her current boyfriend, I mean she admits he's a jerk to her and you're ALWAYS there for her but she still goes back to him and you're just a "friend" like what the fuck
that you've gotta get back, back to the past
making an obvious, undisputable statement, then tacking "in my opinion" at the end of it
wondering if anyone other than kento and margaret use twitter
not dressing as a woman
not organizing your boobmarks
jason silva contacting you, wtf
that people is sometimes kind
sexual chemistry
playing The Colony
eating uni for an entire year
watching the Colony
leaving for another year of uni tomorrow
, you bastard
stomping the yard
having sex on top of her periodicals
periodically on her having sex
having sex atop her period
having sex on her, period
bolt beating gay
that the majority of the fandom desparately wants these two characters to have sex, even though they're brothers
that this regret is a stub, and you can help expand it by editing it
being a gay porn star
laughing so hard at your own joke
having sex on her period
not having sex, period
having sex with an ape
eating the true nature of reality not knowing what it was, then continuing to eat it just because
discovering the true nature of reality
regret banditry
cuntry
playing Konkey Dong Country
having racheled an epiphany
having walrus skeletons in your closet
walrus skeletons
having reached the epiphany
thinking you had it all figured out
that Lasagna Cat is so fricking brilliant
that it looks like Dogs of the Seas ads are becoming the new Evony ads
eating that bat
making Meat Loaf sing
wanting to have sex with that hamburger or muffin
being muiltiple apes
meating Kefka in Tehran
eating Apu
being the realest Kento
reading The Time Traveler's Fuckbuddy
that you must be getting close
that it is hot down here
that the smell of death surrounds you
that the sanctity of this place has been fouled
being an ape
that CGI is just now starting to slowly climb up the far slope of the uncanny valley
that you make me feel like crying
wondering why anyone would think there was a market for an anime golf game
having cybersex with a Ron Paul chatbot
beating kefka on the beach, that is to say, you were playing final fantasy vi on the beach
reading kefka on the beach
thinking that light aasimon was a lantern archon
becoming Champion of the Monkey Whores
drinking from the "Literary Technique Comics" well one too many times
wishing you could go back to a time before the Star Wars prequels when only the hardcore nerds knew the Emperor's real name, and you could just say "the Emperor" and even people with just a cursory knowledge would know you were referring to Palpatine
choosing a pope that really, really looks like the Emperor
that this land is all too shallow, it is painted on the sky
T a R I
believing in the Eostre Bunny
capitalizatin' that regret wrong
not being able to resubmit a regret with new and improved capitalizatin
that the orangey red suncreen secretion of hippos is neither blood nor sweat
that it should actually be written TaRI
TARI
asking moms to return to school
being Spartacus
being bike curious
naming your own price with priceline dot com, i'm looking at you, captain james t kirk
naming your own price with priceline dot com
being sure that you were born a few hundred years too late, you just KNOW you belong in a time with small villages and really short lifespans
being born too late for New World colonies and too soon for offworld colonies
being sure that you were born a few hundred years too soon, you just KNOW you belong in a time with space colonies and really long life spans
your "bicycle" phase
your "bisexual" phase
buying drugs with counterfeit money
noninverted questions
being a sad person
Wood Lice not being as exciting as they sound
Sea Monkeys not being as exciting as they sound
using comic sans on your wedding invitations
meating
reading
loloitering in tehran
meating kafka on the beach
reading lolita on the beach
reading kafka on the beach in tehran
reading kafka on the beach on the beach
reading kafka on the beach
kind of wanting this job painting clothes for the J Peterman company, just because it seems like such a weird place
hoping that they get around to making the film version of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, and that it's excellent
not being able to tell if this Irish Cream is bad, because the alcohol covers up any potential spoiled cream flavour
Wet Hot Armenian Summer
boubting
that all the hype for the movie based on The Time Traveler's Wife is making you hate the book more and more, retroactively
thinking of maybe looking up the synopsis of Pi on Wikipedia, but kind of boubting that would clear the plot up for you at all
grumpy old man sandwiches
grumpy old men
that there is no country for old men
that there will be blood
that you really liked Care Bears Oopsy Does It! but the "ass to ass" scene really disturbed you
not even realizing that they made a new Transformers movie a few months back and not even caring
that Tom Cruise should play the swan
that uraqtpi
that YOUR MOM is a joke
that your face is a joke
that you like pie quite a bit
that it was a joke
that you liked Pi, but the "ass to ass" scene really disturbed you
gaining a lot of weight and turning into an oriental
that it looks like there's a regret that is just "Kento's life" but actually it's the end of a longer regret
that you don't think you pretend to like math, but you remember liking Pi, but also you don't remember understanding Pi at all
that only people who pretend to like math like pi
not knowing The Fountain was a Darren Aronofsky until right after you watched it
not knowing The Wrestler was a Darren Aronofsky film until recently
wondering who would play you in The amazing Regret Index COLON The Movie
casting Michael Cera as the lead in the docudrama based on Kento's life
that you did enjoy The Boxer
never having seen Juno because pregnancy is a troubling subject for you
that you actually enjoyed Juno, but you can certainly understand all that is potentially annoying about it
that you did enjoy The Baxter
that reading Kento's mind is a sin
meaning to write "this" but somehow writing "is" and hoping that people will just think you meant to go with "it" because that's less of a typo
that you did enjoy Five Hundred Days of Summer
snow leopard
feeling unduly excited for something you can't really use yet
having a name that is fifty percent consonants
michael cera ruining everything you love
that only parts of this chain are picking up the copper plating, even though you've scrubbed it with steel wool and all
she likes cloth
that Michael Cera plays the same role in everything he is in
that Bastian was such a little bitch
that there's a hyphen between butch and femme
kind of wanting to see if butch femme dot com really exists
putting your male friend's picture up on butch femme dot com
spider men
Steve Allen
not knowing what the hell's going on
busting through your weenie shield
reading "Kento is secretly a bear" as "Kento is secretly a loser," where's the secret
thinking that when someone says "I love you" to you, you should say "I love you back"
shaving your legs
wearing sandpaper underpants
the terrible early nineties music being covered by the festival down the street
that this banner that says "Obama asks moms to return to school" has, for some reason, an animation of a woman doing situps on it
that Kento is a twinkie
thinking that maybe Don Ray is not so good at the tech support game
that everything comes out, eventually, on the Regret Index
loving the way the conversation on regret one one six one six has evolved
that nobody has seen Victor
lurking
hoping your domain pointing works out without being a pain in the ass
that bear is driving car, how can that be
that Kento is secretly a bear
liking to know where you got the notion
mame shiba
white rice guilt
being in love with a girl for three and a half years while that girl has been going out with this other guy for four years
writing Erin eSurance slash Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials erotic fanfiction
wondering how anyone could prefer dogs to cats
mixing meat with a man named Salazar
forgetting the cucumber
trying to sneak a search but it coming out a new regret
trying to snake a search but it coming out a new regret
not having killed yourself back when everything was still okay, to spare yourself what followed
readin the entire Boton and Shaun archive
that people write regrets like "trying to sneak a fart but it coming out a poop"
trying to sneak a fart but it coming out a poop
furry haters who wrongly think that everyone who beats off while looking at a picture of an anthropomorphic fox getting gang raped by anthropomorphic dragons have some kind of sexual issues
frozen peas
furry haters who think that everyone who has EVER enjoyed anything with an animal character in it secretly wants to have sex with that character and is actually just a freak in denial
being cold and ashamed lying naked on the floor
furries who think that everyone who has EVER enjoyed anything with an animal character in it secretly wants to have sex with that character and is actually just a furry in denial
not eating the fucking rice
white guilt
breastfeeding that parrot back to health
Permalink Nine from Outer Space
permalink nine on your cat website
not recognizing bob dylan
Inviting Courtney Cox up to dance with you on stage
tasting vomit at the bottom of your glass
tasting vomit in the back of your nose
adopting a cat based solely on its roomba riding abilities
Sometimes Imagining Song Titles
That Whenever You See a Regret Where All the Words Are Capitalized, You Imagine That It's a Book Title
thinking the cop was a hooker
not seeking medical attention when your erection lasted longer than four hours
being the retarded offspring of five monkeys having buttsex with a fishsquirrel
playing with fire
doing what's best for the baby
selling your soul to the devil under the cash for clunkers program
being an swm
hating Juno
buying a roomba
kind of hoping she notices you
wondering, if you ever successfully write a novel, and publish it, and rachel happens to read it, whether she will recognize your style and know who you are
realizing that you are the only person on the amazing regret index who ever says "sheesh"
that there are so many awesome constructions that are in common use in modern German but seem to have fallen into obsoletion in English, such as "thereupon"
getting yourself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue
playing Dungeons & Dragons with Tim Duncan
being named Mack Factory
that you are a tomato
not being able to find your needlenose pliers, hand files, and some of your Dremel bits
that vacation to Sexico
trying to put the sensual back in non consensual
being young, sad, and only high off wildly fluctuating brain chemicals
being young, sad, and sober
having a fly on the outside of your window that refuses to go away, you've tried turning off the lights, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO TRY
that the white text on the 'dex just started flashing blue when you unfocused on it, maybe you should look at something else for a while
that agentfiftyseven's name doesn't lend itself to acrostics, because of the numbers
that the king piss you drank turned out only to be carrot juice
kindly elegant nifty thick otters
wine sharpeners
that the guessing is still going on, although the answer is known now
savory artichokes
sloppy anilingus
that you're going to die long before some very neat things happen with technology
soup alexis
not knowing how to accept a compliment
pissing the night away
saying "how'd you like a nice big mouthful of soup, alex"
saying "how'd you like a nice big mouthful of soup alex"
it being too warm during the summer for soup club
shredding a document while preparing soup alex with methylethyl kento on your stoveOVEN and trying to come up with a witty username or a pseudonym
Twitter still telling you to update to Firefox three
using "I guess" altogether too often
Firefox three
preparing a bowl of soup alex on your stoveOVEN
creating a clone while in a fugue state
that the area of the banner that is clickable is, for some reason, now smaller than the total area of the banner
wondering whether soup alex was persecuted by the soup nazis
that you're always surprised to hear that old musicians are still alive
being Facebook stalked, not that you have a Facebook
that pumpkin coconut soup sounds pretty good to you, and you don't even like soup
that not every story is worth telling
wondering how long "piss" for "urinate" has been considered vulgar
making a pretty awesome pumpkin coconut soup
the death of Les Paul
wondering if there's a story to the soup
that soup is pretty awesome, come to think of it
that soup alex is fifty percent vowels
eating swan soup
scifi afficianado
stunted animus
being intruiged
that alex could be short for either alexander or alexandra, thus not clearing up the question of whether sa is female or male at ALL
finding this not so much uninteresting as extremely intriguing, mostly because of the soup
Shadow Arminius
silver apple
skillful avarice
swatting allosauruses
asking
swatting that mosquito when you were wearing a white shirt and now you have a big blood stain on your sleeve
killing some sort of disgusting bug resembling a fly when it was on your pants, and now having a disgusting spot on your inner thigh from it
that precious love is always eating up your heart
sa
being fairly sure sa won't admit it if the correct answer is given anyway, and that he or she probably enjoys hearing all these guesses
suck alex
spic alex
slug alex
slag alex
shag alex
smeg alex
shit alex
sick alex
snog alex
slut alex
stud alex
slim alex
Shaw, Alex
that what happened in Vegas actually had fairly far reaching consequences outside Vegas
scary alsacian
sane alex
stupid answer
stupid alex
smelly alex
stiff alex
sexual advances
stoned alex
that the correct answer is more boring than you'd think
smart alex
sad alex
spoiled abalone
using genocide preventatively rather than curatively
stone arches
Seymoure Asses
sucking awfully
somewhat alarmingly, and by the way, screw you mental brevity
soaring adrenaline
strenuous athlete
shaking animal
scrotal acupuncture
love and darkness and your sidearm
crossing the line of crystal eternity
wondering who the dooce this "sa" character everyone is talking about is
weight loss ads where the "before" and "after" are clearly two different people
that one fadeout scene in Return of the King that really, really, REALLY strongly implies that Frodo and Sam have sex
sexy alex
swarthy armenian
sensitive area
saudi arabia
sympathetic alcoholic
subsaharan africa
stupid anime
syncretic annunciation
sex addict
salty asparagus
stylish assistant
wondering if sa is short for liSA allarde johnson
solipsistic attitude
simpleminded adult
smelly ape
sadistic allosaurus
just now realizing that Crobat comes from acrobat
stunning acrobat
buying gum
giving yourself one thing to do all day and not doing it
being nocturnal
doing it because you can
that she is the only one you'll ever love
wondering if guys ever lose the willing suspension of disbelief while watching porn
that it's not just a matter of male created porn being focussed on the woman, it's that so many female porn stars just seem to be trying too hard
wondering if so many ladies turn to writing and reading smut because they crave porn but get turned off by the way it's made
being sinister
being dexterous
watching porn but being distracted by the overacting and fake boobs
wondering why the right eye, as opposed to the left, and whether this has to do with your handedness
that most of the time you don't feel like plunging this pair of scissors into your right eye, most of the time
stumbling around
sleeping already
that your website probably isn't very impressive, in terms of code, but that's not because you couldn't do something more complex, rather because you don't need something more complex for your means
shambling aristocrat
stealthy armor
knowing you should be asleep already, since you have something you have to do tomorrow
srs actor
humping
stoveAVEN
stovOVEN
being a thanoi
shit alarm
shared amnesty
that this is reminding you of the MB regrets on the old 'dex
static anarchy
semen allergy
sexy aardvark
something awful
blowing Bubbles
SANTA
that if you ever developed a serious Allium allergy, you're not sure you could go on in life
that the same thing plants do to keep you from eating them are often the things that make them so tasty
skeleton archer
Seinfeld admirer
that you love eating raw onion on just about anything, but it makes you phlegmmy
vegans and vegetarians who put so much effort into trying to make meat free food taste and feel like meat
Soviet ambassador
SATAN
jamming good with Weird and Gilly, and The Spiders from Mars
anybody who plays their own shitty music outloud in a public space
scrotal amputation
Samuel Alito
serious actor
Scarlet Alizarin
sulfuric acid
sodium acetate
spanking ass
scummy acne
that you don't think you would like to be one of those people who always thinks they're right and never expects consesquences for their actions, but you do envy them sometimes
that it bothers you how little anything seems to bother her right now, even important things that should
synapsid amphibians
not being sure whether twobesock is still alive
space age
strange attraction
Stalinist agrarianism
social awkwardness
sea anemone
silent awkwardness
stingy atheist
skateaway
sailing away
swan assault
sticky apples
synthetic absinthe
sagging abdomen
one of these things not being like the other
stapled anus
sexy avatar
spring awakening
needing a definition
that it's kind of like a crossword puzzle, what's four letters and starts with an s
sexual assault
smart ass
self aggrandizement
asking your room mate if they did something, and them denying it, but it keep happening and you're the only two people who live here and you know for sure it's not you, and how dumb do they think you are anyway
that, whatever, you're pretty sure you weren't the one who left the back door open all day
that over three hundred and seventy five shark species have been identified, but only about a dozen are considered particularly dangerous, and by the way, screw you Shark Attack
that you just got four swan related regrets in a row
having a narrow urethra
celebrating good times
letting ants come and eat your eyelashes off as you sleep and that's why they are never there
demanding panda meat at Panda Express
arm wrestling a polar bear
shitting on the roof of her car
spinning kitties
that nobody thinks that your drawing of a centaur screwing an anthropomorphic wolf is actually "art"
rectal domination
being tired during the day and wide awake at night
sexual violence
being killed by skraelings
wondering whether sa stands for 'self abuse'
makin' bacon on the beach
hoping rachel will send you pictures of the signs
UTC
Self Assessment
betting rachel knows exactly who you are, and wondering if you should maybe be more careful about what you regret or comment anonymously, as it apparently isn't anonymous after all
wishing you had a reliable source who could give you a firsthand account of what it feels like, and possibly what it looks like, to have your eye stabbed out
the sudden advertising on dictionary dot com
sticking your hand in a pile of good that was once your friend's face
wielding a Bohemian earspoon
signing up for titter
that there are so many sluts in your dance crew
not being able to find a couple of your dremel bits
reading Sleeping on a Bench in Tehran in Tehran
looking up sleep on wikipedia only to find a cute picture of a sleeping kitten
seeing something really weird
wondering whether other people see something really weird in the comment secion of regret number three six six six
marrying that time traveller
having an overall positive opinion of Canada, but hating Wolverine
wearing retro glasses
that death is permanent only in cutscenes
disliking raw onions so you made macaroni salad without them, but then realizing that they actually contribute a whole lot of good flavor and without them it is just really kind of bland, especially if you use low calorie mayonnaise
that nobody has yet entered new regrets from the sixth form girl meme to the new Dex
the last ten years of the Simpsons
having the vapors
hanging quotes
chewing on your favorite necklace
having an insignificant other
loving Canada
being geeky enough, but not hot enough, for cosplay
that Denmark is the Canada of Europe
wondering if the person whose iPhone was taken is a person you know, which might explain something, by the way the day went okay
really liking the smell of turpentine, I mean not sniffing it, but just really liking the smell
sniffing pine
every now and then, falling apart
making biscuits dough and freezing it to cook later, but then just eating the frozen dough pucks
asking Kento to link to uglorable again
falling out of a tree
that THEY TOOK OUR JOBS
that they took my thumb, Charlie
they took my friggin iphone
fourth edition rules
that there's this website of lolcats that hasn't been updated in over a year that gets a thousand visitors a day and your ACTUALLY GOOD animal blog can't get anything like that
that you can't access the regret index again without a proxy sserver, great, just great
the attempt to impose upon man, a creature of growth and capable of sweetness, to ooze juicily at the last round the bearded lips of God, to attempt to impose laws and conditions appropriate to a mechanical creation
giving Kento a footjob for his birthday
wishing Kento a happy birthday one day early
tomatoes
potatoes
not replying to comments on your blog
being a black swan
games or series that make death a minor inconvenience at best, then try to create pathos with the death of a character
posting pictures of yourself crossdressing in your sister's clothes on a chan site
rotflyao
burning your mouth on too hot chicken noodle soup
the undiscovered country
getting an eighteen inch gnome
having octuplets
the final frontier
that the regret index loaded for you without using a proxy server, did you finally get unbanned
drinking hydroxic acid
drinking hydrogen hydroxide
using the word "whelp" as a diminutive
hurling an insult instead of a stone
being force fed high enegrgy foods until your liver is fatty enough
having to wear a dirty shit because you didn't have time to do laundry last weekend
being an evil targa file
having permanent razor burn
drinking orangutan milk
memorizing the first ten thousand digits of pi in every base from two to five hundred and twelve
Revolve Revolve Danceation
making tofu jerky
the Hanseatic League
talking about Fight Club
your little pony
making biscuits just to use up some sour milk
not having lackeys
making poor analgesics
not having some lard
writing upside down
putting your virginity up on Craigslist for fifty dollars OBO
that you don't ever catch the dragon
getting beat up by a girl
banging a fork
not being able to find any videos of your favourite late eighties, early nineties rock bands on youtube for all the rubbish modern rappers that have co opted their names
that it is an act of violence to require men to obey any authority other than that which is obtained from themselves
ovenSTOVE
smiling at a crocodile
revolution
dance dance
that you have to admit that it's a pretty sweet tattoo
digging your own grave
WATCHING COLIN FORK A NAGGER
eating breast milk yogurt
oh no
having the gift of second sight
having the power to heal
breaking the seventh seal
not thinking this tiny bald spot from where you had a giant head zit will ever grow back
your site having an eighty eight percent bounce rate
that you miss tables and frames, because at least they used to react the same way across several browsers
using smilies in a cybersex chat room
having to decide between putting on your pajamas and not doing anything for the rest of the day, and going to the store like you should
brownies
that it's the really embarrassing regrets where you accidentally hit enter halfway through and have to retype them
that you like Snape but you don't like liking Snape because eeveryone else likes Snape too
that you like Snape but you don
having ten pound balls
knowing that things in vending machines are overpriced but buying them anyway
having friends of both genders for whom stalking is normal and acceptable behaviour, and sharing their perspective
stalking
that anyone who thinks that the proper way to consume marijuana is not to slice open your nutsack, stuff it in, then stitch it back up is a complete waste of space and deserves to die a cold, painful, lonely death
that foolish, puritanical, conservative retards may laugh when you say that you stick burning marijuana up your urethra, but it is in fact the best and most direct way of getting high and is the most enjoyable too
that fools mock your choice of using marijuana as a suppository, but it actually enables the beneficial ingredients to enter your bloodstream more fully and get better value for your money, without the upset stomach or carcinogenic smoke
that folks mock your choice of eating marijuana rather than smoking it, but seriously, the plant undergoes a change in smoking it rendering it carcinogenic, and eating it gives you a different smoother high and confers the plant's full health benefits
that your girlfriend sounds like a tauntaun when she's having sex
that the act of convincing yourself you have a personality disorder based only on an online test and a Wikipedia article kind of proves that you do in fact have a personality disorder
convincing yourself you have a personality disorder based on an online test and a Wikipedia article
attracting the attention of cougars who have no idea how bad you taste
attracting the attention of cougars who have no idea how old you are
chatting up a cute age appropriate lady last night, but when she found out your age she immediately lost interest and started smoking pot with the scrawny college boys beside you, lol
thinking that the "hair of the dog" may have already made you too drunk to go outside, considering staying home today just to stay out of trouble and starting the week fresh on Monday as if this weekend had never happened
only just now remembering that you bought pot last night, but now you really don't want to smoke it
wondering how you got home last night
waking up hungover and alone
shaking violently from last night's drunk
the hair of the dog that bit you
being an emotionally damaged fuck up
the assholish way that vegans get when you tell them you like tofu, as if it belongs to them and you're not allowed to eat it
eating Doritos in Tehran
that if George Lucas and JK Rowling had a baby, they would probably name it Grumblebumpy Darkjaw
wondering who would win in a "who can come up with most retarded character name," George Lucas or JK Rowling
PUNCHING THE EARTH
pooping out of your many butts
taking what you got and flying with it
that people keep saying Dumbledore woudl lose in a fight VS Yoda
cropping your hair
heart
wind
earth
realizing too late that no one ever really liked you, they were just humoring you, as your ex's email put it, you are "not worth the time", and people who once indulged you were too young to know better
that if you wash your clothes, you'll have to stay up for another hour to dry them, but if you don't you'll be stinky tomorrow
that you're pretty sure that that chicken was still raw when you took and swallowed a whole bite
that everyone's done a cover of "Dancing in the Street" and they all suck
that everyone'
matter
energy
hobbies
breath
drink
food
air
fire
water
family
peace
work
space
time
English
math
history
music
art
science
exploring
that pointing out that the phrase "jump the shark" has jumped the shark has jumped the shark
that the phrase "jump the shark" has jumped the shark
being a cyberbully
realizing that no one wants to hang out with you, as you've been coasting on accomplishments of long ago your new friends haven't witnessed, you'll just have to add value to the proposition of spending time with your current self
THERE IS NO CHIN UNDERNEATH CHUCK NORRIS'S BEARD THERE IS ONLY ANOTHER FIST ROTFLMFAOBYOBBQ
the sheer number of regrets that are either injokes or pop culture references, most of which don't even make sense as potentially regrettable things
being a trendsbian
that this is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny
eating overseasoned food
drinking orange juice and brushing your teeth
that once upon a time you were falling in love but now you're only falling apart
turning around, bright eyes
Doing the FUCKING MOONWALK
NOT taking a dump on that drunk, passed out, chick's face
NOT taking a dump on that drunk, passed out, chicl
having a wide stance
imagining all comments written by commenter Bert being read in Bert from Sesame Street's voice
doing the time warp again
that you can't watch your TV because fake lesbians are being so lod
rhyming "more range" with "orange"
that "bitter" is the new "stalker", sigh, another word mispurposed to the detriment of all
tYpInG lIkE tHiS
that if you type "ye olde" into wikipedia one of the first things it suggests is "ye olde fighting cocks"
dilz
fucking ohio
the election
seeing the orthodontist about your overlap
that the saintly regretter was unable to sympathize with the cryptic regretter's mental problems before the regret was bumped from the "recent comments", he appreciates that the ill regretter probably tries somewhat hard and he does hope she finds peace
that sometimes there is an overlap between irony and misfortune
freely using "ironically" when you mean "unfortunately"
that the person most concerned with that politeness and putting others first is the right thing to do was also, ironically, the least polite
that potatoes are pretty much an angry lava god's sentient fingertips
putting all of this mental energy into making up theoretical arguments that will probably never even come up
that pickles are pretty much mummified cucumbers
that you enjoy Bowie's cover of "Let's Spend the Night Together" more than the Rolling Stones' original, what does that say about you, and where's your Studio Fifty Seven when you need one
that of your fourteen deep, serious, enjoyable, long term or in some way committed relationships, all but two ended amicably and on mutual terms, but it's those two poor ones that color your perspective, you should probably give yourself credit instead
actually, not feeling yourself turn into "Crazy George" in the slightest, but wryly noting that your sad and bitter second most recent ex would have a field day loudly proclaiming similarities
being torn between going to bed and lurking chat boards all night
feeling yourself turn into "Crazy George"
oh, and there was nudity
that the lead in that musical was that guy from Degrassi
not letting the hooker come up for air sooner
installing hebrew software on your Wii
eating leberkase
being curious
being betrayed by someone you thought you could look up to and admire
having a sex dream so intense you couldn't move for ten minutes
that negotiations and love songs are often mistaken for one and the same
rolling out of bed and running to the police station
using a hermaphrodisiac
selling genetically engineered miniature walruses, called smallruses
being a hermaphrodite
watchin a stoner film unstoned
failing in love
quitting American Idol
putting both pickled and nonpickled cucumbers on a sandwich
characters in works of fiction that are supposed to be geniuses, so the author feels obligated to construct situations to show off that genius, yet the situations are so contrived and unrealistic that they could only exist in fiction
characters in works of fiction that are supposed to be geniuses, but never show it, not because it's part of their character but because the author or writers are too dumb
bending over and thinking of Lynndie England
scissoring
papering
rocking
bear grills
chiral fisting
timestamped photos
dating a single parent
frottage cheese
that the local can't do anything about your neighbour playing shitty house music at loud volumes until you've first told your landlord
that if your collection of Roger Ramjet DVDs is actually missing a lot of episodes, despite it being being labeled a complete collection, also considering each episode is extremely short and half theme song and ending song skipping would be cool
being a little worried there's a person who's fursona is a walrus
biting my nails since I was five
calling the cops on your idiot neighbors "partying" under your window and waking you, only to have the neighbors go silent about five minutes before the cops arrive, kinda like "One Froggy Evening", only with neighbors, and cops
realizing that fifty regrets have been deleted
being the one hundred eleven thousand one hundred eleventh regretter
wearing the eyepatch because it's part of the suit
doing fanart of an anthropomorphic character as a human, effectively creating a antifurry
thinking it would be okay to apply hair dye to your hair using your bare hands
that American Apparel's website is like softcore porn with ugly people
that you whine just as loudly about paper cuts as about more serious maladies, so perhaps your solipsism tonight should be taken with a grain of salt
keeping that rock quarry in your kidneys, surely you could have found a better place
realizing you have to be awake anyway for three stupid clients whose wards need medication
going to bed early so you can be awake and available to your employees, despite the raspy boulder tunneling through your tubey parts
in
naggers
not knowing if you are the braggart regretter, things have been on an upward swing for you lately, but that doesn't mean you don't intend to catapult yourself into the heart of flaming disaster later like you always do
discovering an eerie "all is love" New Testament side to yourself while pounding down cold ones and popping pills, just like Jesus did!
taking your Vicodin with beer to maximize the salutary benefits of both, thus, landing on your fundament
selling propane and propane accessories
doing that thing that you regret so much that merely lying about whether you regret it or not on the regret index would cause a rip in space time and annihilate the universe
doing that thing that you regret
hoping to become sucessful, but hoping that in becoming sucessful you don't turn smug and annoying
that everything this person writes these days seems like a thinly disguised bout of bragging about how great everything in their life is right now
allowing the internet video sensation of 'Fred' to come into your life
using the regret index as an advice column
not knowing whether it would be better to respond to an email or to ignore it
writing Ben Stein slash Shaq fanfiction
your dad deciding you should be a red winged blackbird for Halloween one year, and the costume turned out really awesomely, but really how geeky is that
your dad helping you with a Halloween costume one year, and you wanted to be a cat, but you wanted to be a red cat
that your sister was Dangermouse one year for Halloween, and you were Penfold, but since you were at an age where you only ever wanted to be a cat, you spent the whole time meowing
debating with your friend about the cause of the previously mentioned armpit disease
that it seems like every time something happens to get you ahead in the making enough money to live off of game, something else, usually a stupid error or something, comes along to prevent you from making it
stepping on gum
winging deborah
having armpit disease
working for a walrus hotline
thinking things are going to get better and then they don't
depardieuing a gerard
calling the walrus hotline
riding a winona
gloving a danny
gloving a crispin
cutting the cheese, and by the way, screw you mb
spending the day writing letters to the editor in favor of health care reform legislation through a haze of excruciating groin pain
spending the day listening to NPR and passing a kidney stone
spending all that money renting Poison Ivy over and over again, only for Darlene Connor to turn out gay
cutting the cheese, Becky Connor
playing the tuba
being an eloquent chicken
choosing the sink instead of the toilet to be sick into
not spending more time with the father of an unknown person on the regret index
that, oh hey, someone is apparently confused about whether or not first person pronouns are okay in regrets again
not spending more time with my dad
that you've seen the future, you live with it, and you maybe, just maybe, would rather die
that everyone else is all marriage and kids, and you don't really want either, but you think it's bothering you in a "this is what it means to be grown up" way
that you gotta get out of this place, if it's the last thing you ever do
that she's probably right, you probably could make a lot if you put everything on the line and did the risky thing, but right now it's the boring, safe path that appeals to you most
feeling you should go to sleep, before your eyes dry up and fall out of your head
being total self indulgent toss
that you'd rather be eloquent and chicken than brave and incoherent
that your nightmares wouldn't be scary to anyone else, probably not even remarkable, but to you they're bad enough that you were hardly able to eat breakfast this morning because of the psychosomatic nausea
feeling that written communication, though it allows you to collect your thoughts and express things eloquently, is less brave than verbal communication, and as a result failing to adequately express anything
being horribly afraid to go to sleep, for fear of nightmares
being scared of everything
being scared to love
loving out
being scared to love out due to a lack of funds, being scared to try to kick the person you live with out because of uncertainty of the legality of the situation, along with generally being a pushover
living with someone who doesn't live in the real world, but still takes up space and annoys you all the time
trying to talk to your roommate about things like the importance of paying rent even close to on time, and being met with an attitude of "why are you even bringing this up"
that even if this stuff makes sense in your head, it doesn't seem to work when you try to voice it
not being able to summon bluntness
that you only have two settings, sleepy and angry
butt to butt contact
feeling like vomiting, not from the alcohol but as if doing so could purge yourself of this disgust
that even trying to be blunt, you merely come off as politely concerned
thinking you must seem like such a pitiful, bitter person to everyone else
waiting until things are perfect, and since things are never perfect, never getting around to anything
having sense talked to you, and agreeing, but still feeling that the answer is so far out of your reach
saying in your profile on a dating site that you enjoy getting pegged
not knowing why your heart feels so bad
having what you think is a lot of talent, but really not knowing what to do with it
your really good drunk turning into a crying drunk
feeling like a hack
knowing that, if Kento capitalizes your name even though you usually don't, he is probably angry at you
making fun of the regret index regulars habit of explaining to much about the obvious
knocking on pseudonym when you haven't gotten over a woman you stopped talking to two and a half years ago
ASS TO ASS
being exhausted, yet afraid to sleep
being a bullfrog
that breastfeeding is a natural, beautiful process which you STILL don't want to see coming through your checkout line at work or sitting on the bus next to you
liking a poem as translated by one author, but not as much when translated by someone else
that they are still making calculator watches
that there are five names on your passport, none of which your friends call you
listening to Chinese Japanese English hip hop
that the nightmares are back, mm PTSD
that even though Pachelbel's canon is one of the most overused pieces of classical music ever, you will still really get into it sometimes
usually trying to preserve the capitalization, or lack thereof, of the names of RI regulars when mentioning them in regrets and comments
autoerotic asphyxiation
that you don't know why you're staying in this city, since you can't seem to find a real job, and what you're paying for rent right now could get you a house in some smaller cities
that the horse raced past the barn fell
Yo ABBA ABBA
the Forer effect
shared pain
that the fashion world is run by gay men and hideous women
being stupid enough to illegally sneaking into a country known to be one of the most oppressive on the planet and getting arrested and detained, yet managing to be released and come off as a victim because you have important friends
asking yourself, What would Joey Comeau do
making typos
wondering if rachel has any other superpowers, and if it goes beyond just knowing which comments and regrets belong to with person
sensorship
loving Manowar, but always feeling inadequate when you listen to them
having an awesome idea for a short story, but not being able to actually write it at the moment because you're too absorbed with your other project, and being afraid you'll forget it or never figure it out
that Rachel is supernaturally perceptive
only counting people as regulars if they have actual comment conversations with other regulars
very much wanting to use the phrase "are you stupid or merely deaf", but thinking you should stay away from "stupid"
knocking the whole thing down
cleaning your ears with bugs
that reading "the steadfast tin soldier" when you were like two years old probably has shaped your life more than anything else
being pretty sure you wrote at least three of the top five regrets
having to cut your cheese budget as a result of being underfunded
not having some delicious aged cheddar right now
herrings
being in one whole joojooflop situation
that the whole Belgium part of Life, the Universe, and Everything was actually added to US editions of the book as a way to sensor the word "fuck", but you thought it was hilarious when you first read it
confusing the system for reality
that episode of House MD Kids where Red Herring actually DID have lupus
blaming red herring
having several restraining orders out against you, as a result of doing it against everyone else
not doing it for her, just doing it against everyone else
that Kento thinks everyone is rachel
that becoming more conventionally radical has robbed you of what was originally so remarkable about you
radicals
drawing boobs
not having realized there were several new regulars, as you can only think of sa and perhaps the indeterminate number of people who split up their comment between the name and comment fields
cloning multiple badgers, and by the way screw you mb
living in a cage
people not understanding what communism is
headlights
running together
not being special to Kento
being special to Kento
listening to lo fi
finding patterns in patterns
that for some reason all of the new regulars all run together in your mind
being an inglourious basterd
waging war on the ones you love
that you are wasting your life away by becoming obsessed with the only thing you've had any motivation for within the past several years
wondering if something is still a diminutive if it is longer than the root word
that you feel your art is improving a lot, especially in terms of anatomy, but it isn't being reflected in your finished work because you can't seem to finish any work
that she is your golden one, that is to say, if you took the number of days from the first day of the year, and multiplied that by the one point six one eight, it corresponds with the day of the year she was born
that your name backwards is teragram, as in a trillion grams, or one megatonne
kind of wanting to write a very autobiographical novel
liberal use of technical words
that philosophy has no satisfying explanation as to why love of people exists, only biology does
that for some reason you always subconciously think that sa and StoveOVEN are the same person
no one trying to figure out what your name stands for
being sick as a gun
not having a hamburger based on you
coming up with a brand of cereal called Kent Os
hearing "to infinity and beyond" as "two infinity and beyond"
having a room in your mind full of s words, each of which inspires a certain kind of anger, as they are all pretty vulgar
that there's STILL a snake in your boot, Buzz Lightyear
that there's STILL a snake in your toilet, Kento
having a room in your mind full of swords, each of which inspire a certain kind of madness
having a room in your mind full of swords, each their own kind of madness
that your very existence makes some people realize that they have a choice between your way and everything in their lives
docking her
welcoming her to your spaceship
huffing dustoff cans
continuing to look for jobs although you really should wait until at LEAST mid September to get a job, in order to minimize association with past trauma
premeditating acting impulsively
trying to fight the biases of language
trying to figure out what A WITTY USERNAME stands for
trying to figure out what KENTO stands for
everything you've produced since Joshua Tree
confusing "Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver with "Country Road" by James Taylor
crunch ball three thousand
thinking "take me home, country roads" is a country song
uninvited implosive bachelor
country music
unintentional impulsive behavior
that your father discovered the opposite of "sensitive" should be "senseless"
feeling it is important that things feel important
not being sure how to feel anything is important
that lek and you are two halves of the same coin
that helen thomas kind of reminds you of ayn rand for some reason
cutting your cheeks off
letting that stupid, ugly little hyena make off with the gazelle you labored so long and hard over
pickling your vegetables
trying to spill your seed for cash
that they won't let you donate sperm because of your nystagmus
trying to figure out what SA stands for
trying to figure out what MB stands for
thinking about adopting, even though you're a young single dude
barack obama's fake tan
being unable to ride a slide without hurting yourself
vladamir "romance novel cover" putin
racing to Witch Mountain
cloning Megan Breslin
that of the two medications you got, Vicodin cost fifteen dollars but the one that will actually CURE the illness cost one hundred and sixty, you'd rather live with the illness and take the Vicodin, frankly, for a number of reasons
getting a really good health plan for ER and doctor visits, but saving money on it be opting for the five hundred dollar deductible on medications, anticipating you would NEVER get sick! duh
making an unintentional typo when you were trying to make an intentional typo
confusing gulllibel with gullslander, and not being able to look them up in the dictionary to learn the difference
that the world 'gulllibel' is not in the dictionary
that the world 'gulllible' is not in the dictionary
feeding your outdoor fish too much in the winter
cloning mb
that Craig's list is for perverts
your relationship with mb
using a gendered pronoun for the narrator on the thirty second page of your story, and being sad that you couldn't prolong the ambiguity a little longer
rolling that beautiful bean footage
boba fett's "death"
kicking ass but forgetting to take names, as your Rolodex was in your other pair of pants
that the word 'gullbile' is not in the dictionary
lactating
unSweetined
saying "someone" when you meant "somewhat"
that this is probably a little ridiculous, but you've been told your style is inconsistent, and it's easier to root out the modern words you use than to adjust your someone olde tymes y style
that "hesitate" is such a ridiculously useful word, and in some situations is hard to substitute for, but originated somewhat too late for you to be willing to use it
not knowing how to go about writing a cover letter for a situation where you've already done some contract work for the business owner's other company
voiding John Voight's warranty
buying John Voight's car
saying the name of the Scottish play
looking at the time cube website, even for a few minutes
winning a pie
winning a pyloric victory
Academia is a religious cult empowerment of self word
that Universities equate doomed Towers of Babble, Time Cube is above academic comprehension
that you are an educated stupid ass, word is a counterfeit and fictitious representations of true values, as in form, substance, and deed, Adult word god is a counterfeit and fictitious evil upon children
that man is educated stupid to teach noncubic existence
that all creation on Earth exists between two opposite poles, and if unified, would cancel and cease to exist
that you worship "Evil Singularity" equating you to a "singularity bastard"
that humans are evil bastards to claim that a god is all powerful when it is impossible for a male queer god to give birth to a baby or breast feed it, a power that only a mother posseses
that there are four simultaneous twenty for hour days within a single rotation of the earth
that man evolves from teen in cube metamorphosis
that USA ripe for holocaust
fretting over whether the hooker is enjoying it
jumping onto a bridge
finding you actually didn't leave your phone at your sister's house, you actually plugged it in and set the alarm to a reasonable time which you just happened to wake up before, wow, drunk you really has it together
that, aside from still being half drunk, and the splitting headache, this day is going much too smoothly, which really makes you rather nervous
that sometimes its hard to know which way you're supposed to go
thinking you might be your most eloquent when you are drunkest
that somehow, even though you were blasted and left your phone, which doubles as your alarm clock, at your sister's house, you managed to wake on time, actually a full hour early
still being drunk from the night before
writing that song about how awesome your band was only after they had changed their name and stopped being awesome
eating squab
that you submitted the greatest regret of all time but spelled good wrong and now no one will think it is cool because it says goog instead
that they built this city on rock and roll without considering that rock and roll would settle and cause massive structural damage which had to be fixed using goog old fashioned cement
reading Meatin Brian Peppers in Tehran in Tehran
never having had a friend
never having had a girlfriend
that Oprah is basically spelt the same as Opera
looking at pictures at Barack Obama all day long
that water can serve as a lubricant
building this exurb on Black Sabbath riffs
building this city on mostly easy listening Adult Contemporary and light Top Forty, with some soft jazz during the ten pm to four am block
that we built this city on rock and roll
the h at the end of Oprah
Shark Week
not getting your clit pierced even though you had a coupon good for one free clit piercing
taking it up the butt
drinking sake just for the sake of drinking sake
accidentally befriending the neighborhood skunk, who now, when she sees you, bounds over to you cheerfully in an alarming way, although it's really quite cute
that you much prefer the skunk who lives under your apartment window over the cell phone guy who smokes there
accidentally joining that cult of castrated comet chasing computer nerds because you misunderstood what they meant by "UNIX"
intending to knock knock knock on heaven's door, accidentally showing up at Heaven's Gate instead, and now you miss your testicles
consigning your swan to the tasks of a swab
that you can never find enough compliments to lubertill your swans with
mobertusing all those banal criticisms at that swan
informing another regretter that better verbs for criticisms might be "leveling" or "registering" or perhaps "mobertusing"
making criticisms that so obviously reflect your own painfully banal insecurities
eating cheese just for the sake of eating cheese
buying mozzarella cheese because its packaging made it look like a tiny white butt
WASTIN' AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE
the international Jewish conspiracy
that you can stand plot holes and nonsense to a great degree, as long as the characters act in a way that is in keeping with their established characterization
wondering if a writer could be so brilliant and subtle with the underlying themes of a show while at the same time being so clumsy with characterization and plot
drinking from the tap
reading a review that ascribes some really deep, philosophical attributes and themes to a show, and being amazed, but also doubting the show's hit upon these parallels on purpose
reading that whole review
not catching before how The Unicorn and the Wasp reflected Donna's fate
dexter
syzygy
sharing something kind of embarrassing on the regret index
drawing a penis
quartering a penis
halving a penis
havig a zombie plan
knowing way too much about star wars
wearing socks with articulated toes
adding your parents on facebook
playing foosball with a busty model
taking a parthian shot
winning a pyrrhic victory
exploding someone
accepting the Saltine Challenge
trying to use an egg and some bread crumbs, and old trick of your father's, to bind together some low quality ground beef for burgers, but somehow ending up with a mixture that sticks to everything but itself
Carlos Mencia
eating while you read that chocolate factory regret
putting fishsticks in your mouth
getting your groove back
lad lit
shrugging
that your chocolate factory has a delicious opening
being an analrapist
being a sex symbol and dying of anal cancer
being a watchdog
that it all seems like a stopgap
erotic sludge
that it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year
wanting to believe that you'll ever use that cute travel typewriter you have, but you probably won't, you should probably sell it
wondering what most people would do if they found a still unopened can of cola abandoned on the sidewalk
dumb misfortune
dumb luck
what you did for a klondike bar
the familiar sound of your cat vomiting in the next room
titter, the porno version of twitter
not really understanding what is so unique about twitter, what is so interesting, and why it is so popular, and not really getting it at all
that your favorite TV show was canceled before it had a chance to start to suck
that every office has at least one bitch, and if you don't see any around you it's probably you
that your personality has changed so completely and rapidly since going to college that you don't recognize yourself anymore
giving twoubesock a rimjob
cleaning his cock BAM BET YOU NEVER SAW THAT ONE COMING
being thirsty
cleaning his clock
having these things that aren't quite gustatory hallucinations, but little flashes of remembered taste, out of the blue, that makes you crave whatever it is you remembered, even if you haven't had it in years
working with a bunch of bitches
eating viruses
performing a gaza strip tease
not being able to synthesize vitamin c
having a heart full of bubbles
eating something unhealthy
being torn between going to bed now or staying up longer
finding it hard to think straight, but not being done yet, and having to keep doing that which you're doing, although really it's pretty thought heavy
the pornographic demographic
realizing that the only reason you did something was for attention
pumping Buffalo
only seeing Evony mentioned on The Amazing Regret Index, leading to the conclusion that some viral marketer has some woefully misguided ideas about the size and motivation level of this demographic
thinking things are good, but not being sure you quite got them
going to sleep at nine thirty tonight
that you don't know how you would feel about The Fountain if you hadn't learned that they created space using chemicals and macro photography instead of CGI, which is pretty cool with you, plus the part with the flowers was awesome
watching The Fountain
that you can't even remember where you saw all those Evony ads, they seem to be everywhere and yet nowhere in specific
not biting your fingernails, but biting the skin on the tips of your fingers so people often think you are biting your fingernails
being Ayn Randed nearly branded a Communist cuz you're left handed
cussing in front of children
wondering whether there is a stigma against heptapalegics in spider society
popping the zits on your ass
the baseball metaphor
only drawing seven legs on that spider
using leeches to reattach a scalp
how weird scalps are
many time what eat frosted flake, between Celine Dion at bus tire tired went a Pittsburg dam bust scrotum
commenting on a regret half in jest, and being taken seriously
not sleeping very much last night, then working a short shift very early in the morning, and how wanting to go to sleep, but feeling like you should wait until a bit later, so your sleep schedule doesn't continue to be messed up
having a small bald patch from where you pulled out the hair around a cut on your scalp
listening to people talk about how they're not having enough sex when you're having painfully less
listening to people talk about how they aren't making enough money when you're making painfully less
taking all that lizard's garlic
that you're not gonna get this from any other guy
that even the idea of you being in a relationship makes you very uncomfortable
that if everyone you knew died, it might actually be kind of great
that the regret index is the one thing in your life that has not gone wrong, ironically
quitting while ahead
that it's all thanks to sperm
saying "eat my jorts"
that your clip art library is seriously lacking in the genital department, so you're gonna start your own line of pornographic clipart libraries called "clit art"
life, inc
that very few advertisers assume their audience is smart, and unfortunately, most potential customers aren't
that refreshingly honest has come to mean that advertisers don't even pretend to pretend that you're not an idiot
that there's actually something kind of refreshingly honest about the "hey you pathetic loser, here's some tits, come play our game" message of Evony ads
ripping off penis jokes
that your machine of death story sucked so hard
wondering why someone thought kento and agent fiftyseven would be a good match because really they wouldn't
listing the sins of man
that the radicals are nowhere to be found
kind of feeling the time traveler's wife was about premature ejaculation
that as great as you are nobody has ever really seemed to have appreciated it all that much
eating that tub of ice cream without a spoon and getting your lips covered with dry ice cream and a sore spot under your tongue from all that stretching
friggin' ambiguity
the death of a salesman
the death of edutainment
being a nub
that you seem to be the only one who remembers classic DOS edutainment games "Hooray Henry" and "Load The Truck"
LOVING HER LIKE YOU LOVE NO OTHER
nice belt
that seven eight nine
crazy eights
total doobage
doing drugs
the SEO cult
having a mycar
shitting all over your Lexmark printer then being surprised that it doesn't print well
being mypace
john lisa allardeson
feeling drops of sweat roll down your buttcrack
kind of wanting to pork lisa allarde johnson
lisa allarde johnson
kind of wanting to pork her
shriveled boobs
sticking it in the man
that you have never experienced any motivator or demotivator more powerful than fear
printing prints of that Tako watercolor, and them actually coming out well, on your usually shitty Lexmark printer
having a billion sort of businesses, none of which are making more than an negligible amount of money
that ooooh now that you have ink, you can whip up some quick breakeven business cards
that that email probably won't make it past the spam filter, anyway
writing awkward emails in an awkward attempt to network
writing overly vague regrets in an ill fated attempt to make them less specific to you
that all month you've been afraid of a bunch of things, all related to the same thing, and that fear is probably what's holding you back from working towards solving the problem causing it
that your laptop is burny
learning that sa is either male or lesbian, or some variation thereon, as he or she apparently has a girlfriend
coming down with a fever in the middle of summer
being drawn to colors that just don't work well in CMYK
how little nudity there is on Stickam lately
getting so annoyed with yourself for the mopey pessimism, but just getting mopier and more pessimistic as a result
whoa oh oh oh whoa oh oh whoa oh oh whoa
that if you like it then you should have put a ring on it
manning it to the stick
sticking to the it man
sticking it to the man
when an ad or something similar uses an asterisk as if to call out a footnote, but doesn't include the actual footnote
falling back into old habits and modes of thinking
only having four minutes to save the world
that it happens to every guy
that it's not a big deal
thirty minutes
making poor analagies
having a sticky e key, apparently
puke
Evony and Ibory
barf
feeling like one of those characters who keeps messing up repeatedly and eventually has to be saved from themselves by outside forces, you always hate those characters
having a high dpi, if you know what I mean
beeing a stranger in a strange land
that i was reading esquire and
big boobs
groping up LaPlace
being a switch hitter
meeting a bisexual with a unibrow
knowing a thing or two about a thing or two
knowing a little about a lot
knowing a lot about a little
grumping up the place
not having a Bobby McGee, either
other people's freedom
that size doesn't matter
kind of being sick of "freedom"
that reqesting a dpi without a specific width, either in inches or pixels, is also unhelpful when working with video projects, as the resolution in that case is set by the screen the video is being viewed upon
praying for Omarion
that freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
that specifying that something needs to be "at least three hundred dpi" means nothing, really, if one doesn't specify a desired printing size to go with it
beating off on the toilet for ten minutes so you're ten minutes late for an appointment
that you'll certainly never get anywhere if you keep forgetting about things
having noting to lose, but as a consequence, nothing to give either
having a perfectly good bout of emo derailed by someone else's sound logic
ugh, not putting more effort into it
realizing you are Metal Steve
finishing the ice cream
bloomers going out of fashion
dwelling on The Regret Index
dwelling on regret
hello my future girlfriend
not being able to tell people to fuck off in business correspondence, without consequences
not knowing if the short carried a burst to the other end and into the computer, possibly damaging its insides
now wondering if your lamp isn't grounded or has a short in it
wondering what shorted out your connector, it was receiving power from the computer, maybe the other end touched the base of this lamp
watching your USB two point oh to iPhone connector spectacularly short out, with a pop and a flash and a burst of smoke and flame that singed the white casing
being the prince of whales
hawking Ethan's dates
once again forgetting to read your book club book
dating Ethan Hawk
Evony ads
not answering the regret indes question honestly, and no that one stupid one is a one and should only be a point nine
that we are gathered here to get through this thing called life
that it does not go into the negative numbers
that it only goes to one, Why does it only go to one
yak with a kentucky lawn rifle
feeling SO much like ralph touchett
that the secret to weight loss is pooping more
wearing a tshirt that says "hello my name is twilight and i am a dracula"
that your butt is kind of gross
trying to translate emotions from something you're not willing to think about into something universally understandable
that it doesn't even matter
getting in touch with your first love
not exactly not copulating with that monkey, your honor
not copulating with enough of all those monkeys
copulating with all those monkeys
trying to describe your ocular vignetting without ever using the words "ocular vignetting"
that if you had something else to do in the night, you would never get anything productive done
confusing Brian Eno with Eeyore
that bookstores and coffee shops are closed at two AM, and even if you stayed up all night, you like to be up during the day to enjoy the sunlight, and if you don't sleep your face sags, so maybe it's for the best that everything closes at night
that Twitter is clearly on a US time and sleep cycle, if this were truly a global civilization there would be someone up and online in Hong Kong to entertain you
staying up late doing nothing, I mean, absolutely nothing
putting your inheritance on a Ritz, then blowing a pony
trying to describe tunnel vision without ever saying "tunnel vision"
vaginal dryness
premature ejaculation
that regret number two oh one five five is the funniest regret of all time
detassling corn
that the first time you got drunk was on dirt cheap box wine mixed with Mexican kool aid
puttin' on the ritz
not being religious but liking certain songs which happen to have a religious theme
using kool aide as a mixer
time transfixed
the treachery of images
confusing Captain Eo with Captain O G Readmore
confusing Captain Eo with Captain Nemo
letting the dogs out
writing the words of the prophets on the subway walls
that this is not a pipe
Flemish baroque painting
playing Martian Memorandum
playing the glass bead game
fighting a land war in Asia
circumcising the world with a hundred foot clipper
that what we have here is a failure to communicate
having a purty mouth
squealing like a pig
being pigeonholed
betraying me, Fredo
flying over the cuckoo's nest
Abraham Lincoln
wondering if sa is short for sarah
that sa has never yet mentioned his or her interest in death metal, nor in anime, and is therefore distinct from Avestrial in at least this way
that you felt sick from not having eaten today, and now you're eatingn and you feel sick for the opposite reason
listining to your friends whine about being back in the city after a fabulous weekend getaway, whereas you never left
that your mom met Merce Cunningham but you never did
shoving that wolf
woah, woah, on the wings of a dove
Pokemon Heart Gold and Soul Silver
baking your panties
that sa reminds you of Avestriel
settling Catan
seriously, hardly ever sleeping anymore
forgetting nine eleven
remembering
eating penguins daily
being cornheaded
having thought of something that must be added to your story, but forgetting before next you work on it what it was
being cornholed
being terrified by a painful eye problem, perhaps unnecessarily so
STEVE HOLT!!!
product placement in Star Trek
not watching any TV shows that air beer commercials
watching dickbutt porn
wearing a training bra
watching dickgirl porn
being childfree
watching Animal Planet
that it is impossible to be "so alone" because "alone" is an absolute
jerking off Rudyard
being so alone
that your face itches
regreticide
being so sad you contemplate regicide
that it's friday night
having a fridge full of healthy things, but being about to snack on those french toast sticks from the back of the freezer
losing your connections
psychics
not committing
being SO SAD
that you can't remember your alt's password
that, unless you're very tired and not thinking clearly, you only just realized that the double and triple negatives "Never not being a loser" and "Never not being not a loser" mean exactly the same thing!
fucking bastard sexists who come up with shit like "Man Law"
MAN LAW
not realizing how fucked up you were emotionally until now
learning that people who were jerks to you were nice to people you like
loving Rudyard
feeling you should bid adieu to the Index before you turn your computer off, but not wanting to fill it with another "going to sleep" regret, oh wait, you are just now
not having a second strap, so you can turn that travel easel into a backpack travel easel
applying for a job at Playboy
always doing the most creative work between midnight and three or four
only seeming to feel scared or motivated around three in the morning, when it seems impossible to do anything about it
needing to go to bed, not being tired, and not knowing what to do while you wait
not really having objections to the pet portrait idea, as you like animals, but hoping to distinguish yourself from the popular set style of pet portraiture
not doing anything for a living
kind of hoping rachel will like that regret
not eating goats for a living
that nobody likes nebulon's style
that you may very well be a hack artist, and you don't know that you mind much
eating goats for a living
not really knowing what's going on in a large percentage of your art, either done or still in nebulous idea form
not being one of those people who seem to not worry about things, and things work out for them anyway
being a radical leftist arguing that ayn rand is misunderstood and has merit
being a poor, barely employed english teacher who feels terrible about linguistic imperialism
remembering your school loan repayment, guessing you only have about eighty bucks in your bank account
wondering what goes through their little kitty brains
having a painful eye, as though there were an eyelash or something in it, but not seeing the culprit
having what is about two hundred dollars to your name
looking for pity on accident
being a poor unemployed writer, and therefore feeling you might be on the same level as agentfiftyseven
Going through your quarter life crisis
having trouble balancing between not looking for pity, and getting all of your angst out of your head where it'll do you less harm
being a poor artist type among other poor possibly artist types, understanding that all your complaining is pretty much in vain
complaining on the Regret Index to a point where people kind of want to help you
knocking the door but being afraid of the person behind it
kind of wanting to help agent fiftyseven but not knowing how
failing the life school of life
being a douche
that ayn rand doesn't respond to your emails
that douglas rushkoff doesn't respond to your emails
murdering your wife and child in a rage fueled by brain damage and steroid abuse
eating watermelon rind
putting your wife in a headlock every time she gets too annoying
being so small
considering going to a movie just so you can say you went out this weekend
recognizing the top regret as being yours, a particularly bland one
being an obligate carnivore
putting your cat in a headlock every time she gets too annoying
being allergic to being the same shape for too long
changing shape every time you sneeze
being asocial
democide
coveting a cabin
beating death
xenocide
being rejected from The Russian Academy of Arts, and deciding that you should go into the genocide business instead
giving up on not being spoiled about everything that is going to happen on Doctor Who
that The Alley stores are still looking for an unpaid graphic design intern, hey Alley, maybe you should try just hiring a graphic designer
that your mom thinks you should do pet portraits, and you don't know, you might make some money
lactation porn
prostitution, now there's an idea
that illustration is a lot like prostitution, and you've never been good at selling yourself
going into the wrong industry because you think it's a valid industry, when everyone else seems to think it's a joke
the idea that artists prefer to starve
the idea that art is only art if done for art's sake
being jealous of the person who found out how to do an ascii version of the "The More You Know" star
suffrajet city
yearning for a yurt
Angelspit
Emilie Autumn
Pseudonym's return
defeating the Master Control Program
that there's actually a song unironically titled "My Life Would Suck Without You"
being the coward of the county
living in a yurt
being a lifelong unrepentent malevolent two faced cunt
that if Margaret from the Judy Blume novel were twelve years old in nineteen seventy, she would be menopausal now
never following the Beatles' solo stuff
going through all the trouble of tracking and killing that sasquatch then slacking off and forgetting to zombify it
that I drove all night to get to you
that if you drove right now you could make it to that party in forty five minutes, and you know for a fact it'll still be going on as the sun rises
staying up until two or three in the morning doing absolutely nothing because you can't get used to the idea that going to bed at a reasonable hour constitutes anything but an admission that you have no life
spending hours coming up with color combinations on colourlovers dot com
that despite your many shortcomings you still kind of figure you'd make for a pretty alright boyfriend
going to a potluck bris
that you always liked Phil more than Joel
having only contributed two of the five or six recent hard angst regrets, leading you to conclude there are several regretters emoing up the place tonight
coming home planning to emo up the Regret Index, only to find someone's already angsted harder than you probably could have
wanting nothing quite more than for it all to end
feeling rejected and abandoned
not going to a party you knew it would take you a week to recover from, but then staying home bored with nothing to do instead
that claiming your partner "kinda raped" you, and never clarifying that "kinda" means "never had sex with you but served as your punching bag" would be slander, but saying someone is "a lifelong unrepentant malevolent two faced cunt" is informed opinion
iPhone inexplicably correcting "snots" to Anita, you little pampered Anita
never having had cable, therefore having missed the Mystery Science Theater craze, you little pampered Anita
that opening your windows lets in both cool air and prehistoric wall bugs who wait for you to sleep to lay eggs in your mouth
feely stalks, extending over your face through night's darkness
stealing a fox
feeling stalked
that you always liked Mike more than Joel
being happy and gay
Lupita
having mud on your face
libeling Lisa Allarde Johnson
knowing the distinction between libel and slander, but not knowing why the language needs two words to describe the same thing dependent only on how it is disseminated, and on top of that, having the word "defamation" as an umbrella term for both
libeling Ronald Grigg
that while people confuse libel and slander, the one being written and the other spoken, the important point is they both involve FALSE defamation, while taking some self righteous shit down a peg by sharing buried info is not only legal, it's heroic
not really knowing why we have two different words for libel and slander
Kento's poop
never not being a loser
actually not knowing for sure whether Anonymous isn't, in fact, some dude with a clever web handle
kind of wanting to gather all of the comments posted under the name of Anonymous together, and form some sort of personality sketch and life history from them
that you always liked Jet more than Spike
that when you hit puberty and finally got your horns that they weren't the long cool black and twisted kind like Dad has, but the shorter goat kind
kissing ass, both literally and figuratively in independent and dependent relations to eachother, separately
that next month you will turn twenty one
using a padlock as an earring
finally realizing what part of your attempted novel in progress might have some sort of worth
that South America is a giant shithole
describing a panic attack in an olden tymes y style
the complexities of when to say 'will' and when to say 'shall'
the thin, horny, transparent plate covering the upper surface on the end of a finger
waiting until the last moment
making love to an eighty year old woman in the body of a twenty year old girl
being just really incredibly tired of "hip hop" now that it's become basically disco with guns
picking at it
forgetting to feed your klinoppe
Kit Fisto
wanting to make puppy porn
that it takes so long for you to get things to a point you consider to be finished, and half of the stuff on your site is stuff that you feel you copped out on oh at the last moment
painting things without any idea as to what to do with them afterwards, you don't really have wallspace left and you're not sure anyone would buy them
wondering if you should destroy an original drawing in the chance that you might make a nice painting out of it
having all of these half drawn figures that you really like, but not knowing what to do with them
how scary you find speculative work to be, but everyone wants a sketch upfront with no assurance of payment or that they're not going to steal the idea and have someone else finish it for even cheaper
that all your dreams lately are about either relationships that you don't have, or your mom relapsing into alcoholism
being embarrassed by other people's feminine ardor
being embarrassed by other people's feminine odor
reading the regret below as "hoping a certain cigarette will go to the dance with you"
how much of the content of comment conversations consists of people intentionally misunderstanding things
that your expensive japanese apartment is full of cockroaches
hoping a certain regrette will go to the dance with you
Ryan and Ayn Rand
wearing a codpiece
wearing falsies
that if Ramona Flowers was age eight in nineteen eighty one, she'd be thirty six today
that you basically live for the works of david wain, michael showalter, and michael ian black
Ryan And
being a modelpreneur
killing four rhinos
that P Suedo Nym sounds like something George Lucas came up with
telling that gay guy looking for a roommate on craigslist that you were bi when you were straight so he would be more likely to pick you because the room's close to the university, not very expensive, and housing is competitive in the area
surfing
regrets written in the fourth person
being unable to think of indecent comebacks
not being able to think of decent comebacks
Flowers for Algernon
Mrs Frisby and the Rats of Nym
eroshame
that ordinary sentences can take on a really weird meaning when you end them with an exclamation point!
being surprised!
blaming your feminine odor on the dog
being sexiled
thanking Kento
being immediately cheered up at watching something which repeatedly told you it was Friday night, despite the fact that it was actually Wednesday when you watched it
that metaregretting is totally cool
arduous odours
arduous ardor
using words that are not really words
that you can lead an hors to d'oeuvre, but OM NOM NOM
ardurous ardor
being a hypercrite
being a mediocrite
not knowing until just now that hors d'oeuvre was both the singular and plural form, though you probably should have
avoiding intimacy and social situations due to embarrassing feminine hors d'oeuvre
being embarrassingly ardurous
that you used to think Looten Plunder was the dumbest character name ever, but after thinking about it, you realized it's no worse than anything George Lucas came up with
eating cock a leaky soup
never having douched
having sex with it
darkness
light
death metal
being a hippocrit
spending thirty seven dollars plus tax on that Che Guevera tshirt
avoiding intimacy and social situations due to embarrassing masculine odor
having to sleep on the grody fuckstained couch in the den because your roommate brought home some stanky slut
Twoubesock Shakur teaching new words to the Regret Index, praise be!
avoiding intimacy and social situations due to embarrassing feminine ordure
not ironically buying a copy of the Communist Manifesto at that one anarchist bookstore
avoiding intimacy and social situations due to embarrassing feminine ardor, I mean, really guys, control yourselves, I'm only just one man
that you really can't believe that TV offer you just watched was a real thing, I mean really
avoiding intimacy and social situations due to embarrassing feminine odor
WaterWorks, the douche reinvented
having too much free time
signing up people who spam the Craigslist job board for annoying email offers
having too many ideas
shooting those sharks with your manta ray
hearing that a new season of a show is really good, and thinking you should watch it, but knowing you would feel the need to watch the previous, kind of bad seasons first
missing the ellipsis
forgetting to turn off your lightsaber BEFORE you put it in your pocket
finding just the cutest skirt that goes great with the blouse you just picked up and knowing that you simply have to have it, but then you remember that you are a guy
local doppler radar
what no has bird tell clippers
this terrible coffee
terger uoy od
that you didn't vote Yes on this regret and now that it is a One rated regret you are not one of the cool kids
camera flash
greek tragedies
vulture culture
geek tragedies
Jerusalem crickets
people who use "quotes" in order to imply that certain words could render the phrase obscene, if "pulled out" of context
losing the rap battle, but winning the rap war
lusitanic culture
hispanic culture
making regular motions around an object of attraction
making regular motions around an object
that it was cloudy so you couldn't see the eclipse
that they just liked it better that way
that even old New York was once New Amsterdam
miscegenation
wanting Matthew Lesko to pleasure you ALL NIGHT LONG
using FREE GOVERNMENT MONEY TO PAY YOUR BILLS
not going to the linguistic family reunion
totally blowing your moon landing line
not quite knowing what to do when a checkout clerk mistakes you for his age or not too far removed and greets you with an aloof hipster coolface and says "Sup", as you feel like an idiot returning the aloof glance and saying "Sup" down your nose in return
playing your scales
that to wear jeans with holes, you must wear holes in your jeans, recursion joy!
not mooning Buzz Aldrin
wearing two socks
mixing work, academic, social, online and irl, uh oh
wearing tubesocks
never editting your regrets
wondering if Zoloft will make you lofty
forgetting to change all your plural to singular when editing your regret
hard drinking cheese enthusiast Swillda Stilton stinking up your movie
not doing it
giving that film role to Tilda Swanton, the beaked and befeathered impostor
Conditional Clause, the gift reneging denizen of the south pole who never thinks you're good enough
exchanging gander roles with a swan
eating Lou Rawls
staying up all night to watch Julia Child paint her toenails on PBS
by the time you get to then end of your regret forgetting all the conditional clause you inserted in the middle or the beginning of your regret by the time you get to the end of your regret
eating gender rolls
that not even running and walking in combination a total of five and a half miles today in sixty minutes this afternoon can keep you from staying up too late to watch Julia Child core apples
your apartment being so thick with clouds of garlic and onion smells from the beet greens you cooked tonight that it literally is stinging your eyes, like, they're watering
having no way to ask people for old photos of yourself
having no photos of grade school, high school, college or your travels in your teens and twenties
looking through Facebook photos of your college's old campus, and wishing you hadn't lost all your old photos
snowclones
vomiting every time you hear the term "graphic novel"
that although the Electric Light Orchestra is best known for being totally awesome, your favorite song by them is every single one you're heard so far
wondering if saying that you're being "ironic" implies that you aren't
that the history book on the shelf is always repeating itself
that although the Trans Siberian Orchestra is best known for its christmas music, your favorite CD by them is Beethoven's Last Night
seeing a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's
theamazingregretindexing
Bell Biv Devoe
confusing the Electric Light Orchestra and the Trans Siberian Orchestra
CSN&Y
taking a walk on the wild side
smelling like teen spirit
that in ceremonies of the horsemen even the pawn must hold a grudge
realizing you don't want to marry your fiance, and therefore disengaging
not being aware there was an eclipse to see
when a shitty band covers a great song, I'm looking at you My Chemical Romance
not being able to see the eclipse because it's so cloudy
"over""using" "quotation" "marks" "so" "your" "sentences" "are" "really" "really" "hard" "to" "read"
myspacing
facebooking
being refenestrated
being defenestrated
wondering what the tenets of Kento's dad's cult were
maggot therapy
that your father talks about setting homeless people on fire a creepy amount
reading a story about a Japanese guy who murdered the doctor who botched his penis enlargement surgery and immediately assuming it was Kento's dad
dancing, jiving, having the time of your life
that at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender, oh yeah, and you have met your destiny in a similar way
prematurely "liquidating" your "assets"
walruses
that the first thing you do when checking the regret index is seeing if any regrets have been written about you
skipping your defense against the dark arts class
that it all leads back to the International Jew
for some reason being excited about getting an email titled "Waterloo", but then realising it's from MoveOn dot org
that your deviantWATCH isn't doing it for you anymore, you might have to unwatch everyone and start anew
that popcorn has fewer calories after it has been popped than it does before
often not being able to express what it is you like about a certain movie, book, song, or piece of art
on one hand being attracted to plots where people just hang around and nothing really happens and it's all low key, on the other hand always feeling unsatisfied at the end of them
liking Scarlett Johansson when you first saw her in Lost in Translation, but later realising that she just perfectly fit the boringness of that character
wondering how many words are contained in an atypical chapter
mocking people for interest in things which don't interest you
being Swabian
people not caring about stop motion or traditional animation as much anymore
the Amazing Tourette's Index
not sleeping well the night before you start the new job
prematurely liquidating your assets
Wetter, Hotter American Summer
rogers communications
that your favorite movie is Turner & Hooch
wanting to be Bavarian for just one brief shining moment
bad dudes
trying to switch hosts, only to realize you like type a blood a lot more than type o
trying to switch hosts, only to realize that you don't want to move the party
marrying billy the answer head
marrying summer sanders
marrying summer glau
trying to switch hosts to a host that uses cpanel, only to realize
interviewing a vampire
wondering how many words are contained in a typical chapter
going to sleep like you should have two hours ago, before you were suddenly unable to remember who Olivia Williams was, and were compelled to look her up online
getting your Regretter's License taken away after a number of RUI incidences
having to look up the genitive case, because you never learned the vocabulary that goes with grammar
mumble, mumble, mumble, you're a wonderful conversationalist
learning that the "needs" in "must needs" is missing an apostrophe
being a vampire and
that twitter is still telling you you should update firefox, even though you don't want to update your OS to do so, as if it were their business anyway
not having more reason to use letmegooglethatforyou dot com
when Netflix told you they were getting rid of multiple names on accounts, and you had your movies and TV shows under different names so you had to add all of the items from one queue to the other individually, and then they decided not to change after al
wondering what's with the construction 'must needs', ie how necessary it was and during what time, but not finding it on dictionary dot com
passing over a longish period of time, using present tense
regretting under the influence
regretting late at night, when you are at your dumbest
bringing up a hypothesis to a friend who immediately dismisses it, only to have the same hypothesis repeated back to your months later, as it it were an original idea
thinking that someone would be good in an adaptation of something, before remembering that that something was already recently adapted, poorly
still having not seen Coraline
that so many actresses have such generically beautiful faces, that it's difficult to even describe them in terms of features in a way that will differentiate them from other actresses
thinking of an actress, but not remembering her name or what she was in, and then also forgetting what she looked like before you could start to search for her
getting a hot beef injection
and
that in Spanish, "Soy Milk" insists upon itself
really wanting a deep fried donut bacon sandwich right now
that ointment is many things, some of them topical
firing someone you should never have hired in the first place
needing a cash infusion, stat
Vaggie Patty, Peppermint's more "out" twin
strange veggie patties that all sort of start to taste the same
bypassing Nashville, going straight to Gnoshville, yum!
how, aw crap, country western stars now have tattoo sleeves too
that pop country western seems to have adopted cock rock's regrettable irritating swagger, only with pot bellies and redneckery
being excited for Monkey Island five, despite the disappointment that the fourth one was
seriously
having read Le Rouge et le Noir, but not having heretofore heard of Stendhal syndrome
being kind of a nutjob yourself, where's YOUR tlc and special consideration, huh
definitely having a type, and not a very good one
having too many sticky wickets
not knowing how to be nice to someone who does everything in their power not to deserve it, yet somehow seems fragile enough that you feel you must
how many shockingly attractive people turn out to be both really insecure messed up in the head freaks who needs lots of tlc, yet at the same time manage to be arrogant narcissistic meanies
pitying the existence of those people with Stendhal syndrome, and wondering how artistic something has to be for it to kick in
that your requited crush turned out, upon closer examination, to be a boring, self absorbed pain in the ass, and now the sticky problem of how to get rid of them without hurting their feelings
getting sick all the time because you're dating a nurse
that Ryan North should totally write a Dinosaur Comic about Stendhal syndrome
having Stendhal syndrome
that birds suddenly appearing every time someone comes near is not romantic in the slightest and is actually really creepy
memorizing the first thousand digits of pi in hexadecimal
carnal pleasure
hitting the escape button repeatedly but not escaping
making jokes in base thirteen
missing Target
missing the target
painting your mother
the Odessa Steps sequence
that everyone thinks they're the protagonist
Claude Bawls
Whaam!
that you'll be with him on that midnight train to Georgia
that everybody's got something to hide except you and your monkey
selling postcards of the hanging
having blisters on your fingers
wondering how the "fucking toilet" is different from the normal toilet
that Paul is a dead man, miss him miss him
being Paul
being the walrus
feeding your head
that Lewis Carroll took nude pictures of Alice
that the phrase "child molestor vibe" is really gross and you promise you will never use it again
that the Mad Hatter was the greatest Batman villain ever because he, like everything else related to Alice in Wonderland, had a creepy child molestor vibe to him
that your friend used to think that the expression was "in the nip of time"
eating Spoink sausage
thinking that if you had any money, you might invest in iridium, the most awesome of elements
that I'm in love, Jim
getting in the chopper
wondering if thyme counts as "terrain"
laughing or crying
that the Doctor's new outfit looks even more like Jarvis Cocker in space
doing anything in the name of anything
killing yourself in the name of love
shrinking yourself and an ATV, and riding the ATV over thyme, so when you unshrink yourself you can say you accomplished thyme travel
not saying anything because you would probably seem like a psychotic bitch, but seriously can't she jiggle the handle so the fucking toilet will stop running, how long does it take to notice a trend
thinking that if you had any money, you might invest in copper
that most of your assets are hand me downs, alley finds, and items that are usually considered worthless, that you have great plans for
shaking your assets
that you approach discussions with a strategy of saying everything that comes to mind and hoping some of it makes sense, but it's during that time when you have breakthroughs and the world starts to make more sense to you, of all people
that most of your assets are capital goods
your assets
that most of your assets are liquid
that beating the system is usually a lot harder than playing the system
the critic
having an opinion on movies
that love is many things, none of them logical
that your seventy two year old grandmother can use a computer with more competence than your fifty two year old father
having an opinion on music
inviting people to post with you on a forum that is essentially just goatse
clinging to klingon
not really knowing what vote spamming is and how it killed the old site but you didn't vote spam you got banned for posting the letters of the alphabet with another regretter
that the two smartest people you've ever known were both young women, and if you thought about the third and fourth and fifth probably were too, but you can't think of who those people would be
being a super virgin
gross poopoo incorporated
trying to open yourself to the world, only to see it for what it is
making a old woman cry by calling her an ugly mouse, i'm looking at you, old german lady with alzheimer's
feeling like such a jerk
that you should have graduated college by now
putting a walrus on every desk in the classroom
the exception that proves the rule
your bff biff loman
your bff biff tannen
killing your bff jill
that where you live more parents hit their kids in public than they do in a walmart parking lot
finally feeling happy in your host nation only to hear people talk about how sending teenagers to prison for killing homeless people is wrong, and how they themselves want to kill and set homeless people on fire
that when you finally come home to the united states you will probably also hate it because of your awakened hatred of closed mindedness, bigotry, pseudoscience, lack of value in human life, etc
that living in a foreign country has not made you more worldly, but rather more hostile to things that aren't american, or at least that's what you're afraid has happened to you, you need to visit another foreign country to see if it is only just japan
ever sending a text that says uraqtpi
whoever it was that decided to tell the customers they were always right
learning that rachel is back, hi rachel
losing your arrow keys
trying to move to the philippines
missing the ten thousandth regret
occasionally taking small balls of cream cheese and rolling them in sugar, because you don't have any real cheesecake around
Muppets
that nearly all your friends are at least five years older or at least five years younger than you
that this world is not yet ready to accept saints
unicycling
Arch Hall Jr's face
wishing everyone on the Regret Index a merry Christmas
not understanding why is should bother anyone else what brand of computer you use
not having issues with said MPThree player yourself, but still
that your MPthree player doubles as an external harddrive, but you're not sure you'd depend on it, as the brand is known to have battery issues
that your MPthree player doubles as a USB flash drive
being the storm, but not a wedding
seeing someone's mons naked
seeing my mon naked
that all of these tutorials seem either way too basic or way too hard for you
only having one cup
that there's a restaurant in Tokyo where you can watch girls poo and then eat it
that while "Corinthian leather" may not actually be a special product, there has to havebeen at least one guy in history who made leather in Corinth
leaving a dump
always turning the page on your calendar like three weeks too late
losing your virginity in the can
misplacing your virginity and not being sure where you left it, though it was probably on the bus
that there's no way to pass objects by value in JavaScript
that there is no such thing as fine Corinthian leather
people who call next year "two thousand and ten"
beginning to learn a foreign language but giving up when it gets difficult
freezing a lump of peanut butter in secret, just to see what would happen
trying to teach yourself MySLQ, only to find out that it's really called MySQL
going ahead with it despite what you knew
trying to teach yourself PHP and MySLQ
Burgermeister McKase
being a burgermeister
nominating a nummy hamburger to be the burgher of Hamburg
not having one cohesive style on your Etsy page, but not wanting to create several accounts, either
the crazy food cravings you get before your period arrives
inadvertantly having a thing for gay guys
wondering if you could organize an online scavenger hunt that spread across all of your social networking sites and other websites
nomming a hamburger
not having a homburg
not having Hamburger's Syndrome
feeling conspicuously beardless
wondering whether God could create a turd so big even He couldn't flush it
turd too big
DYIing alone
dyeing alone
dying your black hair light brown
killing the radio star
that your ex was astonishingly juvenile in her first relationship, and you wish you had done things differently, namely punched her in her stupid face
neutering Garfield
burning down a church
swedes
flirting with disaster
eating a whole thing of kimchee and puking in bed
wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
lsass dot exe
the time you lost five pages of something because you didn't save often enough
Open Office being frozen, and you can't just end the program and restart it because of your unsaved data which is in fact extremely important
dying your light blond hair black
having ass burgers for lunch
having Asperger's Syndrome
osteoporosis
not being able to send reprets via just thinking about it
erectile disfunction
getting married
not being able to send regrets via cellphone
shows that were never made
that you would have turned to drink already if it weren't kind of expensive
wishing "Bonne nuit!" to the regret index
not having a really great calico
not being aged fiftyseven
wanting to kidnap someone's really great calico kitty who's taken up residence under your shirt
thinking your healthy self needs to employ moderation when it comes to health and put reason on the shelf once in a while
that your drunken self would've thought it hilarious to bring home a drunken cougar to a nice innocent young couple's apartment
stealing neighbours' wifi
that the fridge available to you is full of processed food and therefore unraidable
staying with friends who live near a festival venue so you wouldn't have to stumble too far home, but then not getting drunk at all
oscillating between two ocelots
danthing with a lithping panther
panting with a panther
cooing with a cougar
iPhone miscorrecting your words
that you aren't as incapable of guilt, remorse or second guessing your own decisions as your horrible ex of long ago, if anything that experience has made you more sympathetic to people life and time have shat on
wondering if you ruined a divorcee's evening, maybe she was just deservedly trying to reclaim some of her list youth she'd misspent on some joyless pencil pushing vagabond
shooting that cougar who ended up being someone's grandma
not having a superfluous colon
shooting that cougar you found in the city, Chicago police
your superfluous colon
your emoticon being ruined by a superfluous colon
blarfing all over the place
that you would love to be accepting, but the people who find you're "in their league" seems to number in the single digits, as far as you can tell
that while you try to be accepting, the people who find you're "in their league" lately is really starting to freak you out
this in the morning
finding the secret members only login of the regret index
getting groped by a drunken dancing lady in her fifties whose face looks like a wrinkled leather couch
not knowing whether agentfiftyseven is at Pitchfork at all
not knowing that the movie "Iron Man" had such a retarded plotline to it
that there is so much crap on you tube
that my space is for perverts
wrestling with doubt
not applying for a job you think you can handle, because at the moment you lack the energy to try to convince another person that you can handle it
already feeling like an old dog
not knowing that the song "Iron Man" had such a complex plot line to it
having poo on your towels
pressing the history eraser button
that girls with bruised legs have to wear long dresses
reading Reading Lolita in Tehran in Tehran
reading Lolita in Tehran
art, science, and critical theory
entering the dragon
slaying the dragon
searching for that on google images with the filter off
putting your hand on his leg
always assuming that sa is female
not knowing enough about Birmingham to know why it's amusing that it has a Walk of Fame
not looking before making a right turn in a new car
being and asshole
being a dickweed
living beneath a pillar box in Mayfair
returning that gentleman's violin and leather syringe case, and earning yourself a hansom reward
being a little ashamed to be one of the first to get with Orkut, now that she's not real exclusive and will pretty much get with anyone who wants
that threesome with Bebo and Facebook when you weren't quite broken up with MySpace yet
those times when MySpace drunk dials you and, because things are casual with Facebook, you relent to her demands, but she's a little pathetic and such a turnoff now that she's old and feels pressed for time
wondering if regrets starting with an index of zero at all skews the results
being eStranged
that Birmingham has its own Walk of Fame
that watching Dogtanian and The Muskehounds as a kid didn't turn you into a furry
not having any hobbies that anyone else would think of as interesting or even normal
writing T Rex slash Utahraptor fanfiction
being a very friendly lion called Parsley
denying that he's a jolly good fellow
when something you intend to use just sits around sadly, reminding you of how lazy you are
that being how you roll
not having a lake of stew and whiskey too to paddle all around in a big canoe
that on the Big Rock Candy Mountain the jails are made of tin, and you can walk right out again as soon as you are in
coming up with all of those delightful board games, and by the way screw you, Milton Bradley
writing sa slash mb fanfiction
still writing mb regrets
taking that cold medicine that gives you really weird dreams
po! po! po! po! popozao! popozao!
thinking it would be great to live with a friend you know, but being afraid that they would come to hate you, as you have no idea if you're a good roommate
not living alone
thinking it might be because she's always here, because she has even less of a job than you do
popozao
that you try to be realistic, to control your burning, irrational hatred, but every time you're around her you really do wish she would fall off a god damned cliff or something
those two baby cardinals that fell out of the nest in the very tall pine tree in your back yard, that you couldn't save
that the new way of saying "eff" instead of "fuck" makes "ineffable" sound like it should mean "unfuckable"
that you still source Wikipedia even though you're completely aware of how unreliable it is
that your dialogue sounds too much like your narration
that you love to write dialogue, but you have no idea if you do so realistically
that no one cares about your boyfriend
that you can't think real good no more
absorbing so much info earlier that now you can't seem to think right
attending the Chicago Small Business Expo, even though you don't have a small business yet
that Myspace keeps emailing you now that it's not popular anymore, it's kind of sad
waxing your spoons
spooning
armageddon
that regret number ten thousand was totally stupid, unlike the rest of these regrets which are pure gold
that regret number ten thousand was totally stupid
the creatures born from the blood of Uranus
googling then blogging then tweeting then bozzling then gruffubbling then popopopopozziling
that although Ray Charles was undeniaby one of the greatest influence on twentieth century music, the first thing you think of when you hear his name is the Pepsi commercial
preventing florist friars
drinking something that really makes your pee smell like that thing
telling vegetable jokes
wanting Joe Frasier
having to do the pooHYPHENpoo dance while waiting for the cokeheads taking up the cubicles to finish
fnord
missing one fortyseven kilohm resistor
realising that you were astonishingly juvenile in your first relationship, and wishing you could have done things differently
that if your liver fails, you are going to be really mad at yourself for not having drunk ENOUGH, stupid irony
Mohamed Atta at a high speed
that recently you have been a magnate, and fairest Inga's travails have come to a head
that recently you have been a magnet for ferrous ingots traveling at a high speed towards your head
a sudden influx of regrets
googling Prodigy
that the British are cumming
that recently you have been a magnet for the affections of sad, lonely members of the opposite sex
Jesus' lesser known followers, the twelve apostrophes
the lesser known playwright, Apostraphes
the apostraphes disappearance
that at least what you hear about your horrible ex is the erupting into flames of one or another of this persons plans, hopes, and relationships, which, although you're ambivalent about feeling this way, is rather gratifying
wishing people would stop updating you on the comings and goings of your horrible ex, but not being able to say anything about it because then they'd know they'd succeeded in "getting" to you
treading the high road by sending a very nice letter to someone who'd been nothing but unkind to you, who probably didn't appreciate it and who you later heard mocked you cruelly for it, and realizing you'd have been better off sending a letter bomb
the anonymous microblog index
realizing you may actually need to go to bed early tonight, goddammit, because although you get to sleep in tomorrow, you actually realize you have a few personal errands yet to do
eating so much cheese on Bastille Day that your heart explodes with delight, or maybe just explodes
not scoring ecstasy for your event this weekend, thus sadly continuing your health streak unbroken but somewhat against your will
taking so much vitamin D you emit your own sunshine
becoming addicted to swiss chard
being pretty sure no one got the joke on regret one oh one twelve
wondering if early adopters skew young, as your older friends from a tech firm you all worked at together feel the same way about the suburban influx on Facebook
at first worrying that you skew a little young because you started disliking Facebook the moment your peers flocked onto it, then realizing you don't care to hear rhapsodic accounts of sitting in a puddle of toddler piss in a wading pool
that now that people have been flocking away from MySpace and into Facebook, you're starting to meet some really interesting people on MySpace again, go figure
being really reluctant to use Twitter or Facebook to make plans with new strangers or old classmates when you travel, because really, you're not that friendly, and you don't want to have to reciprocate if they ask you to return the favor later
that you will be in NYC to look at an MFA program in time to see Black Moth Super Rainbow, but you don't know what you'll see in San Francisco when you travel
not being able to develop a true crush on the cute keyboard player from Black Moth Super Rainbow because you don't know her name
having problems with dialogue
predictably, at the last minute, sort of wishing you were staying home all weekend
being at a loss for what to do until it's dark and cool enough for the writing frenzy to kick in
farting frittatas
farting before you eat potatoes
seriously deliberating whether to put off the purchase of a printer attachment for two weeks so you can get a Jim Morrison haircut NOW, although the attachment will make you more money immediately, and realizing impulse control is not your strong suit
your habit of leaving lettrs and sometimes whole out when typing things
your habit of leaving letters and sometimes whole words out when writing things by hand
writing notes by hand
being retorted
the amazing Retort Index
not having a lack of underemployment
moaning and whining about your lack of money and underemployment, but having a rich mom who wants to send you to Europe for two weeks
googling your professor's ex wife
on the other hand, being envious about twobesock's cheesy punning abilities
that at least you can always count on twobesock to come up with a cheesier pun
not usually spelling hypocrite right, what do you know
being a hypocrite
that pun you made about someone's sculpture in art school
sleeping
making regrettable jokes
bombing that interview today for the job you weren't really that into, because you can't even fool yourself into thinking that you would be good at on the street fundraising
suffering from finger dyslexia, wherein you know the correct sequence of keystrokes but type the ones with your right hand before the ones with your left, leading to such gaffes as hitting "Return" before hitting the final "e" in a sentence, for instanc
tuning a fish, just to prove it can be don
pulling out the knife and putting crabs on the Ritz
seeing a recent picture of The Jesus Lizard reunited that does not bode well for the future of your own physique
not being able to think of more than one or two things in your entire life that you don't regret
trying to work out naked on that home gym made of sensitive body part tearing wires and pulleys
not being able to keep the red glow from your eyes in the dark
that third box of weasels shot skyward when brawn silly dingblats
chell specker
being so deleriously happy that you require plastic surgery to get that grin off your face
spackle
putting on the Ritz
pulling out the knife
having all your bases belong to someone else
that all your dogs are chow's
getting crabs
that you can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish
saying Wooooo! so much
pirating over forty gigadoubloons of booty
being a fag hag
becoming attached to people you met on the internet
pirating over forty gigabytes of music
going to a state university
eating nearly all of the salsa
speculating about how much bush passersby have
that the penis mightier than the sword
gloating for so long over never having been married when all your friends were getting divorces, but now they feel you're getting your comeuppance because you're still single, but really, guys, I just don't feel that strongly about getting married
that there are only ever two people on the index at once anymore whenever you are ready to go to bed and sleep
attending a weekend ritual
getting your manboobs lifted
that wikipedia describes attending concerts as a "ritual"
wondering how you'll lose this last bit of stubborn fat that won't go away
being shocked to discover that you're definitely a member of a subculture
listening to the tv psychiatrists opine on a fifties crime show, spoiler, look for a bedwetter who loves his mother
losing your best years to an ill parent
starting to look your age just when you were ready to take on a young person's tasks
wanting to like Ghost in the Shell and all of its continuations, but constantly feeling there's something to the plot that you're just not getting
putting nipples on that gynoid you made
applying for a credit card even though you're pretty sure you'll be declined
being advised to put something on a scab to soften it, but having missed the word and therefore not knowing what
www hotmale com
wondering whether it's realistic for someone to develop a phobia, or realize they have it or whatever, the very first time they see the trigger, without any sort of traumatic experience attached to it
not doing completely selfish and reckless things more often
looking through hostel prices in Amsterdam
meating Suzi Finer
catching typhoid
gaping at Harry's hairy gap
hairy gaps
sitting next to someone who only stinks on the bus
being concerned with apathy
accepting the invitation to that lemon party
having a gay old man
sitting next to someone who really stinks on the bus
being a Byronic cyborg
having thighs slick with ryoma
getting a girlfriend who has a hairy back
having gaps in your teats
having gaps in your teets
birds on twitter
learning about krukenberg hands
being a Byronic Commano
how quickly you go from absolutely adoring someone to being tired of their stupid face and snotty attitude
having a gay old time
crop dusting
farting into a chair in a public place
having gaps in your teeth
having gaps in your CV
underwear
that you just lost The Game
refusing to accept the modern sense of "tweet" into your vocabulary
never dealing drugs
raping Indiana Jones
taking like a year to take the hugest dump
the Brick Testament
seeing the sign, which then opened up your mind
appearing to be in love with someone, when in fact you are no such thing
just friends
being a Byronic hero
plucking all your facial hair out
being a size queen
trying to decide if this writing sample is a good choice, as you've never applied to a job that requires one before
that some silicone sister with her manager mister told you you got what it takes, she said she'd turn you on, sonny, to something strong if you play that song with the funky breaks
that the motorcycle black madonna two wheeled gypsy queen and her silver studded phantom cause the gray flannel dwarf to scream as he weaps to wicked birds of prey who pick up on his bread crumb sins
that upon four legged forest clouds the cowboy angel rides with its candle lit into the sun though its glow is waxed in black
walking down a street, a street in a strange world, maybe its the third world, maybe its your first time around
touching down in the land of the delta blues in the middle of the pouring rain
following the river, down the highway, through the cradle of the Civil War
Larry the Cable Gay
neoclassical music
that they should change the name of Whole Foods to Veblen Foods, amirite
being just a poor boy from a poor family
drinking whore pop even though you're not a whore
playing Sun City
whore pop
seeking that demmed elusive Pimpernel
talking piffle
flapper fashion
that you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think
the High School Musical Offering
reading well written horror
not being able to email pancakes to other people
the Musical Offering
not having any hair on your front
distance
tripping on benadryl
rocking your socks off
thinking someone was a telemarketer when they weren't
that women be different from men
Puppetry of the Penis
killing Dumbledore
having puce eyes
wondering whether the New Regret Index has attained sentience yet
never having any penetration whatsoever
ripping off Gaucho Bebop
that employers can get away with writing job postings that pay no respect to spelling or grammar
being a womanizer, woman womanizer, you're a womanizer
calling something a rip off of something else, without realizing the something else is in itself a derivative work
chippin' around, kicking your brains around the floor
coming in last place
making the wrong play in the finals of a Magic the Gathering Tournament
expecting something good to happen, ever
rather enjoying the implausibly detailed, highly conditional, convolutedly phrased and so particular as to subvert the genre regrets the most
eating all that walrus spam
the imminent return of spam to the regret index
hitting Big Jake
that we will bury you
writing someone who is completely horrible by your standards, from the point of view of someone who reveres that person
the Mormon sex in chains case
missing the entire "swan" meme
symphonic metal
regret itself
that the Backstreet Boys are popular in Japan to this day, yet 'N Sync never had any penetration whatsoever
that rachel really really sucks at typing now
shibboleths from the Old Regret Index
that it probably has been down many times before, but thinking it would actually be really cool to form a band with a group of people from hundreds or thousands of miles away, and recording songs without ever meeting the other members
liking the four significant digits of regret accuracy now
accepting Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior
knowing that Kento's IP address was banned for posting the letters of the alphabet as regrets
garrulus
objecting to the marriage of Moses to a Cushite woman
wondering why Kento's IP address was banned and not rachel's, because rachel wrote just as many regrets as Kento, so Kento must have been doing something really bad
not hooking up with Ryan taking the hugest dump
knowing only two languages fluently, and one of them is an absurd mixture of a local dialect and the official language
not getting your manticore neutered
that English is rachel's fourth language
using """sextuple quotes"""
people who put "quotes" around any "phrase" that they consider even slightly "racy", so to speak
listening to music with religious lyrics, from a religion not your own, because it's good music
wondering which language rachel has written in for the past three weeks, and whether it is her native language or a different one
carefully avoiding the word 'betrothed' when talking about someone who cheated on their fiance, due to etymology
not properly allowing your emotional wounds to heal
that rachel hasn't written anything in English in about three weeks, so her typing skills are rusty
people who use 'single quotes'
people who say the word 'elf' instead of 'fulk'
that you, given the choice, tend to prefer regrets that are shorty and pithy, and that cleverly and concisely get their point across, to those that are long and drawn out, with many parentheticals, and that really are too wordy and have lack of direction
people who say 'eff' instead of 'fuck'
Cher
saying goodbye, and that you were glad to catch up a bit
not regreting coming back, though
that you will leave now and come back in an hour
leaving the original Index before it went down, because you realized that you were using it as a place to vent your angst, and then realized that angsting semi anonymously on the internet in a place not specifically intended for it is usually a bad idea
taking a dump that, while certainly huge, could hardly be classified as the "hugest"
that, in the new index's defense, it seems to have considerably less regrets centered on masturbation than the old had
that rachel has superhuman perception and always knew who posted what, even anonymously
that has superhuman perception and always knew who posted what, even anonymously
looking at the most voted regrets list and realizing that the new index is no classier than the old
being somewhat surprised about worry, because you thought you always posted anything worrying anonymously
that you never wrote Jurassic Park the Musical and became a billionaire
being glad to be liked
that you always liked a witty username, even though you sometimes worried about him slash her
Avestriel
good times
being excited that rachel is back, even though you never really talked to her that much, and yet somehow Kento thought you were she and flirted with the wrong person
wondering if rachel is also unemployed, now that the Regret Index has turned into the Unemployed Index
not being sure whether some of the regulars who didn't post very often count
rachel, Kento, matt, Document, Pseudonym, Sarah, twoubesock, a witty username, Sarah, looper
being sure you would forget some regular, since someone is always out left out of lists
steel magnolias
wanting to start a line of shirts just for 'dex regulars from the old Index, saying something like "Original Regret Index Regular" on a big banner across the top and with the regular's name beneath it
that rachel says hi to twoubesock and agent fifty seven
watching Iron Chef while making out with your girlfriend
fingering a miner
drinking Job's Tears vinegar
fingering a minor
eating muktuk
that the last discussion you had before the old 'dex crashed was about how you would want your body disposed of, which led to the Space Mummies band concept, and you really want to know how the conversation ended
wondering what you would choose for your last meal
impreganating Angelina Jolie
ripping off Cowboy Bebop
mistaking the sign that said plant food for penis food
making Kento pogs
that "orchid" derives from the Greek word for testicle
memorizing every Star Trek episode
that Kento and rachel probably wrote more than half of the more than forty thousand regrets of the old 'dex
telling rachel that Kento's ip was banned, but that he seems to come back occasionally through a proxy
being a beatiful chinease
assuming that because not all chinease people are long haired, a person who is short haired is not chinease
assuming that because not all beatiful people have good hearts, a person has a good heart just because he or she is ugly
assuming that all ugly ducklings will turn into swans
loving Sapir, hating Whorf
that you saved a list of regrets from the old 'dex back at around regret number thirty thousand
coming back after so long and having a completely fresh regret index with over nine thousand regrets you have never read before, and a whole host of new commenters, and feeling really weird about it, because you used to be a major force in the 'dex
adding a regret when you meant to do a search
the Sapir Whorf Hypothesis
that first it was Elvis, then Michael Jackson, and next it will be Britney
that fifty million Elvis fans can't be wrong
that my caps lock light is on but the letters are lowercase
wondering who all these new regretters are
wondering how long the site has been back up
that rachel is back
That the totally awesome TV show Firefly was cancelled
still thinking about the zit you mentioned in regret nine seven one seven
oh, Debora, looking like a stallion
that, as a child of the revolution, you are ostensibly foolproof, as guaranteed by Marc Bolan, an express oral guarantee being as good as a written contract or warranty
being a child of the revolution
driving a Rolls Royce, because it's good for your voice
not knowing more about science
being an underparamour
cutting off your ear and sending it to your paramour, who never sends one back, a case of unrequited lobe
being baffled when first learning that Mary Louise Parker, who in not one photo looks a day over twenty eight or even twenty three or four, is in fact forty four, and being torn between crushing on her or wanting to extract her stem cells for your own use
hypergraphia
that you feel like a cheater for saying this, but if Olivia Wilde is unavailable you would settle for Mary Louise Parker
going crazy and cutting off your own ear
not just living off your oil paints by eating them
not paying more attention to regret number two eight oh eight
not just selling your massive collection of art supplies and living off of that for a while
frozen blueberries
replying to a query in a comment thread after said comment thread has been bumped off the inaptly named "recent comments" list
not knowing which fonts messed your computer up before, and so not being sure which ones are safe to reinstall, aside from the system fonts that came on your startup disk
that your computer almost lost its shit due to font conflicts, and you reinstalled the fonts, but now all of your websites have slightly different fonts, IDK, it's throwing you off a little
giving your pop star brother a copy of the Koran
delicious headcrab cakes
not wanting to spend all of your time in your room, but not being able to stand interaction right now
that your roommate is home once again, and once again you wish they were elsewhere
not having any transportation, not being able to AFFORD any transportation, not being able to get a job that PAYS well enough to afford transportation, therefore only being able to look at jobs within walking distance, therefore finding nothing
twenty seven years of senseless killing, when all you really wanted was a hug and a donut
forgetting that when she asks if she looks fat that she in no way shape or form expects you to answer truthfully
not checking the knots again before you left and losing another one to the dogs as she was trying to escape
coming back only to find out that your craving for brains really gets in the way of forming a meaningful relationship
finding out that battered women taste so much better than the plain ones
not recognizing that she was the one that you did that horrible thing to years ago and now she is back for revenge and you are already tied up and she is getting out the blender and superglue, oh god help me
eating another scab sandwich
having had a wound inflicted three months ago, and STILL having a scabby part of it that keeps ripping off and bleeding, sheesh, how long do these things take to scar over
never vowing not to drink, and yet, never drinking anyway
popping a really amazing zit, and then thinking about it for the rest of the day
not telling off your condescending friends
telling off your condescending friends
bitches everywhere
having never made such a vow as to "not drink", thus on that one subject being curiously regret free, perhaps even a little proud of some of the scrapes brazen irresponsibility has gotten you out of
Robert Burns eating all your plums and not even the decency to leave you a note, not like that William Carlos Williams, him you must have over more often
unexpectedly beating Nanosaur Two, which apparently only has three levels, leaving you with nothing to do for the rest of your life
saying "this is the last time I ever drink" only to remember that vow when hungover
using a really old OS, and getting more and more reminders every day that you should upgrade, but not being sure it wouldn't make your laptop explode, and you really can't afford a new computer in any shape or form
finding an unoccupied domain name, dammit, now you're consigned to producing & distributing porn, what'll Mom think, although she's the one who's forever saying nervously or suggestively, when you talk about starting a new business, "It's not PORN, is it"
seriously realizing that the main obstacle, should you relent and decide to satisfy several needs at once by combining your video, entrepreneurial, managerial and natural skills into starting a porn business, is finding an unoccupied domain name
accidentally moving two thousand or so files to the desktop instead of the folder you wanted to move them to
wondering if you cat has vitiligo
Not checking a beer for a cigarette butt before taking a large, large sip
Leaving the lights on all the freakin' time
hitting on a block, not being sure how to make something work
listening to someone who doesn't appear to be on Wikipedia
walking around San Francisco with a suit, sunglasses, and briefcase pretending to be a spy
ending every conversation with a random noise of displeasure
starting every converstation with a random noise of displeasure
opening bags with your teeth
that it's starting to look like you won't be able to get any sort of job at all until next year
finally finding a job to apply to, but having the listing removed right as you're about to apply for it
picking up that cat from the foreclosed home across the street because all it does is meow, constantly reminding you of your failures and shortcomings, like losing a house for example
always, after applying for a job, feeling this sickening preemptive rejection, like you shouldn't even have bothered trying because they won't want you anyway
not being able to do enough
not even wanting to think about what may be wrong with you in terms of your health, you haven't had insurance in such a long time
thinking maybe you should move to Detroit, where they're pretty much giving away houses and you could probably raise chickens in a burnt out lot or something
really only opening up your insecurity to two or three people or channels, and feeling really bad for the unlucky few who you pick, because dang it's just like a torrent of negativity and neuroses
not trying to make everyone feel bad for you, which you think it probably seems like, just not being able to keep the anxiety inside, because then it gets even worse
insecurity
being a stupid girl
bitching a lot, feeling bad for bitching, feeling you aren't doing enough, but also feeling that you are doing everything you can
finding the saddest part of your current position to be that you aren't fiscally irresponsible, and you do work hard and put everything into a job when you have it, you just can't seem to find more than half a job at any given time
hearing Robert McNamara talk in nineteen ninety five about events of twenty years ago as if they'd happened ten days prior, and wondering if some internal debates about milestone events never truly release one
being so overwhelmed with nonremunerative donkey work just to keep your business afloat that growing it to the point where you can cease directly managing it seems somewhat impossible and all your creative work goes undone
being so overwhelmed with unremunerative donkey work just to keep your business afloat that growing it to the point where you can cease directly managing it seems so
not liking the kind of person you are lately
not being able to tell if you or the other person gave up on the friendship first
not applying for jobs that you think you are probably too ugly for
how quickly people can change
being steam driven in the first place
being out of steam
that your eyes don't want to stay open any longer
being ineffable
not being able to sleep, and not being able to stay awake
how scary it is to price things
how quickly time seems to pass
aaaaaaaaaaa
not being able to volunteer at the most appealing place until September
the first time you got drunk
feeling like Captain Bummer all the time, and not wanting to, but having trouble accentuating the positives
writing several regrets that probably only make sense in the context of the others around them
actually, understanding that you just will have enough even false confidence or bravado to talk people into thinking you are great
not understanding what makes you so bad at this
knowing it is not their fault, but being bummed anyway
hearing about other people's overabundance of work when you are suffering from too little
sinking time
fandom wank being nearly as much of a timesink as tv tropes
wishing you had a month or two of free time to devote to finishing as many of the art ideas you have as you can, but knowing that if you did get the free time, you would probably spend it sleeping in and being unproductive
wanting to see these fanarts
that a lot of fanart you do find for these fandoms you most crave fanart for involves the characters drawn as girly anime boys, or are just badly put together photoshop banners and wallpapers
deciding to do your own fanart for these fandoms, to make up for the lack, but really being too lazy to do so
your craving for quality fanart for obscure shows, underrated characters, literature, and other weird fandoms that don't get a lot of fanart lovin'
wondering if you should watch the rest of the game on youtube, because you're really most interested in the plots anyway, though you really would like to see and interact with the rest of it on an actual system
starting Half Life Two Episode Two at your sister's house while watching her cat, and probably never being able to finish it
how many excellent games you haven't had a chance to play yet
that The goggles do nothing!
reading instead of doing something useful, because it is too hot to do something useful
people who call it "The Woo Hoo Song" when it's really called Song Two
never walking your dog
facing Full Life Consequences
keeping playlists based on the music used in TV shows you like
also, in your iTunes move, losing all of your playlist, including the ones you were keeping based on TV shows you like
that you keep lyin' when you ought to be truthin'
liking Repo! A Genetic Opera mostly because it has Anthony Stewart Head in it
purchasing and consuming avocados, you hussy
that "avocado" and "orchid" both come from words that mean testicle
full prively catching her by the queinte
that "cunt" used to be spelled "queynte"
that despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart
Christian sex
saying 'this is dildos'
posting the name of your favorite song by Bob Dylan in the comments of this entry
sending those gift dildos "Special Dild'ivery"
having to wait four weeks to find out why your liver is acting strangely, fortunately not dangerously so, which is why you feel a weird sense of pride, like liver disfunction is a badge of honor for all the fun you had once
that, okay, to be honest your natural reaction to any kind of interaction initiated by the opposite sex is to consider forming a crush on them
being raised on the Beatrice and Benedick school of love, and so you natural reaction to constant quarreling with someone is to consider forming a crush, and not to consider that you may be completely incompatible personality types
trying to get along with someone, even though their idea of conversation is a running critique of everything you do, like, and believe
that there weren't more Moors at your high school
playing point and click flash based escape games
cutting all the way through the brakeline so the car was barely moving when they failed
seeing so many idiots putting so much effort into being offended by things that are not even mildly offensive just because they crave attention or validation and they refuse to end themselves
spending half the night checking word origin dates on dictionary dot com
being unsure whether doing this would be cool, pretentious, both, or neither
trying to write something without using any words that are too modern, due to the fantasy setting, and therefore contemplating using 'ekename' in the place of 'nickname', although it is obsolete now and Open Office doesn't acknowledge it
opining that The Last Unicorn was an amazingly good movie, and yet that the book still managed to be better by several orders of magnitude
only possessing those egg cups for a short while
teaching your grandmother to suck eggs
that iTunes, or this version of it at least, clears playcounts and ratings if you happen to do something like move all of your music to an external drive and have to reimport it as a result
knowing of a few songs that share potential nicknames that you don't use, but none that use your full name
Peg, it will come back to you
hard boiling some eggs, all the while wondering why you don't do so more often, and then later realising that the reason why is that you will eat SO MANY of them if given the chance
moving your twentyfive gigabytes of music to an external drive
saying goodbye to your playcounts
having not yet watched The Last Unicorn, which is kind of amazing to even you, given your love of animation
that featured things tend to get more attention, meaning that there is a bit of a capitalistic system going on with art popularity
that the most popular art on DA is not necessarily the most interesting or original art
not wanting to go to bed yet, and not knowing how to occupy yourself until you're able to
using the "Comments" section of this regret to post your favorite movies
being so exhausted you can hardly keep your eyes open, for no good reason
accidently using conditioner instead of shampoo
not telling her you like felt
being willing to eat brownies if someone has extras
not being sure how much longer you can hold out against this desire to make brownies
not feeling her like you told
not telling her how you felt
that whenever you're eating something that tastes good you can't help but wonder what exactly it is that's supposed to be pleasant about it
eating that entire bag of doritos just now
writing litanies in the style of Lytton, even
writing litanies in the style of Lyttony
seeing a movie through some other means, and forgetting to take it off your Netflix queue
being too ashamed about something to even vent anonymously
kind of loving purple prose
getting panty over panties
venting anonymously
considering applying for a job as a baker in Antarctica
marrying a girl just because of her looks, and rushing right in to making babies
babies
BAAAAAABIES
not being one of those babies who women instantly fawn over
not being one of those babies who instantly fawn over women
Sister Christian, that the time has come
not remembering if the great panty debate was on this version of the Regret Index, or the previous one
using the word "panties"
being a pantyaire, like a millionaire but with panties instead of money
people who know all the twitchy comical facial expressions that signify "I've just said something outrageously hilarious!" but who never actually say anything funny, I'm looking at you, Hayden Panettiere
giving up on a relationship because it was too hard
Alan Sparhawk's technique of singing at the top of his lungs, but some distance from the microphone, during, for example, Point of Disgust
never just knowing
getting frustrated when people answer with "you'll just know"
wanting to vent about something, but being too embarrassed to do so
not being a woman who babies fawns
that none of us is named Fartnoise Fartnoise Junior
losing a baby
wishing there was a 'least voted regrets' section, so that you could know which regrets deserve more attention
writing creepy stalker poems to random strangers and posting them anonymously on missed connections
that, according to the wiki entry, you might be a hipster
taking a raincoat that gave you stigmata
not being one of those women who instantly fawn over babies saying the word 'dork' so much
sailors fighting in the dance hall
that the moon landing was filmed on a sound stage on Mars
falling for the moon landing hoax
that you're probably going to have to volunteer for a while, just to get some references that you can use when applying to actual jobs
being a gay baby
adding too much food coloring to your frosting
euphemisses
euphoniums
how hooked you are on Lost, even though the acting is at times indescribably horrible, or perhaps because it is
watching reruns of nineteenseventies teevee in your sweaty jammies in your filthy apartment
not really feeling entirely prepared for a job interview
writing crazily
crowdboarding
desiring the intangible
romance among midgets
not being one of those women who instantly fawn over babies
saying the word 'dork' so much
lusting after a married classmate and their spouse
fantasizing about married
how easy it would be to murder someone save for the travel expense
trying to fit all of your internetting, book reading, and video game playing into the one and a half hours between when you get home and midnight, and failing horribly
being very tired
having not seen july fourth fireworks in like a decade
american knowhow
that time in your life when you only went to protests to get laid, then realizing girls sometimes just go to these things to get laid too, wondering if there is such a thing as a sincere protest
thinking you would have made an excellent Founding Father, in dignity, aplomb, panache, and all of the better virtues, save for the fact that you could not go a day without your goji berry volumizing shampoo and conditioner
your ex girlfriend's regrets, yawn, smirk, way to live dangerously
that propofol is just sounding better and better to you
being a superstar
thinking your drier contained the apocalypse, but no, it was just a drier trap full of pocket lint
accidentally summoning hurricane Katrina when you walked up to that southern medium and ordered a helping of "pork lips"
calling your favorite of the four horsemen "a pookie lips"
a giant Pandamonium, eating his dread apocalyptus leaf
that part at the end of The Seventh Seal where they're all dancing the apocalypso
handing that hobo an apocalyptic tenner
the lack of a phrase equivalent to "bless you" that is said after someone yawns
never really knowing what happened
the slow death of the regret index
that's what she said
that's what what she said v
being sick of this whole 'rap' thing
really having a hankering to try diprivan now
nausea
your apocalyptic tenor not having been dispelled
living your life on one side of an ampersand
significant otter eggs
that your significant otter egged on your work badger to wear holes into your uniform shirt
that your significant otter seems to think "merc merc merc"
experiencing a sudden, crippling burst of writer's block, possibly due to sleep deprivation
not clicking the button
using 'merch' as an abbreviation for merchandise, and 'merc' as an abbreviation for mercenary, despite the fact that the C is pronounced differently in merc and mercenary
that your significant other seems to think that merc, pronounced murk, is an acceptable or correct abbreviation for merchandise
that your significant other seems to think that "merc
having something on your upper arm that you'd really rather not display in front of certain people you know, and not knowing if you have to avoid swimming with them for the rest of your life or if there's any waterproof way to cover it up
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
that you would get a tattoo, and you even know what it would be, if you could think of a place on your body that you liked enough to put it
that serenity owned so hard
Posting the name and band of your favorite songs in the comment section of this regret
that goodreads dot com doesn't have a "put it down halfway through and now can't seem to finish it" rating or reading status option
not knowing that The Neverending Story was originally written in German
trying to remember who was doing the project that had a bunch of people reading a list of words every week
wanting to tack "and I love you" onto the end of every comment you make on someone's blog
typing out a steady stream of plans for a story in every minute of your free time, and becoming obsessed with it to the point of dreaming about it, and feeling like you're making more good progress than you've ever made, and not trusting it to be good
having an idea for a mystery story, but not even knowing where to start when it comes to finding a poison for the job
eating a cyanide laced apricot
that time you found twenty dollars in play money in a pocket of a coat you didn't use often, and it was like the universe was laughing at you
eating a cyanide laced apple
wishing you had more money for merch
having about eighteen dollars in your bank account until next Wednesday
adding an additional reply to your original comment, which then becomes the thing everyone talks about
uploading three new very unflattering pictures to your fansite
the fine line between staying up to continue working something and being too tired to continue working on it
having no talents
needing to know about what the entrance to a cave in a desert would look like, and not being able to find any good references on the internet
writing crappy dialogue
posting the titties of authors of your favorite books in the comment section of this regret
that when people list regulars, you're hardly ever on the list
being turned into a wizard by a whale
that either Kento isn't around on the Index anymore, or you've just been missing him whenever he is
saying that you should all split up and search and finding the others one by one and then realizing that your partner is gone now, oh god get me out of here
being so scared that you could not move and just watched through that hole while they bled out
not realizing that she was just shy and when you finally did had already treated her so badly that she never forgave you
that one time, at band camp
not being able to save them both and thinking sometimes that you saved the wrong one
slamming it home
telegraphing it in
mailing it in
reaching the edge of beyond
how much you used to love this show
fauxning it in
iPhoning it in
phoning it in
breeding
Robert the doll
smelling your masseuse's vagina as she squatted over your face, not altogether unpleasant, but an unexpected and distant memory to have evoked from one in the course of massage
not being able to tell if that alarm is going off in another room, or your head
mysteriously waking up at eight thirty in the morning on a day you didn't have to, even though you got very little sleep the night before, and not being able to get back to sleep
having all of the fun of a hangover without any of the fun of actually drinking the night before
feeling feverish
probably being too much of a celebrity to sex pork men
probably being too much of a pork man to sex celebrities
No
posting the titles and authors of your favorite books in the comment section of this regret
having a bunch of books you absolutely love, but losing your nerve when it comes to recommending them to others
wanting to rewatch a late nineties cartoon you don't have access to
that fiction writing class you took, where you were too afraid to write anything involving sexual attraction based relationships, because you thought it would be obvious to everyone else that you've never been in such a relationship
wanting to rewatch a movie you don't have access to
being an Index regular, and having a name you usually use, but posting as Anonymous more and more often lately in order to prevent yourself from admitting to anything about yourself
figuring out way too late that lust is real while love is the illusion
not noticing that cigarette butt until the last swallow of semi warm beer
braiding your nipple hair to become more powerful and acquire secret knowledge
wearing that robot costume to dance at a funeral
Kierkegaard
feeling your last shred of control slip away before the blackout and waking up with a twelve hour memory gap, no money and pieces of some kind of meat stuck in your teeth
being somewhere between annoying and despairing
finding out that there really is no candy in the back of that old van
being somewhere between annoyed and despairing
having been suddenly persuaded that it's pointless for you to even try to write anything, because you don't have the experiences to write anything realistic
your sudden urge to make brownies
that all you want to do is ride around, Sally
hearing her knock on the front door and then immediately considering ducking out the back
taking that one, last, pill
taking that chance
that 'that "making a deal with the devil" has a regret index of zero' has a regret index of zero
not seeming to be able to make the very, very small amount of money that you need to get by
hilariously identifying your generational needs as those of someone ten or fifteen years your junior, not by affectation but without even thinking about it, cursed age you were born in
reading GH Hardy's "A Mathematician's Apology" instead of working on a creative project you'd promised yourself you'd finish, although frankly reading such a book unstresses you out a lot more than yoga ever would
that while you have been "prescribed" yoga, there are no practitioners in your town who meet your generational needs
finding only yoga listings for "healing, breathing, compassionate and gentle" yoga, where's my "fire eyed punk rock shit blood and chew glass" yoga
choosing a really crappy time financially in your life to get huckstered by every naturopath, yogi, zen buddhist and integrative medicine practitioner in town
that you haven't been to a show in months, but funds are so low you have to stay home night after night
that even if taking pills evened you out, you would really really miss the highs
telling your doctor you feel better to gain her approval, when really if anything you should be zonked on the most powerful antidepressants known to mankind and have been told so vociferously throughout your life
winter's shroud descending in June
thinking you won't have pets at your next abode because you would only depress and disappoint them and they would grow to hate you once they'd learned of your true self
that the zen shiatsu massages are cheaper if you buy a ticket for five, so you're considering it
scheduling a zen shiatsu massage and then remembering you don't like leaving the house, wearing loose fitting clothes, being in a crowded room or being touched by strangers
scheduling a zen shiatsu massage and not even being sure if you have anything CLEAN to wear
scheduling a zen shiatsu massage and realizing you have nothing loose fitting to wear
force feeding yourself that horrible fish that tastes like bitter sand and wall paste because even on sale it was some pretty pricey fish
crossing the fifty ninth street bridge and not feeling, in fact, groovy in the slightest
not the history of mental illness in your family so much as the immediate family members who continue to have an impact on you, and realizing that even after they're dead, you'll never shake off the effects of the environment in which you were raised
chaingun armed Lincoln
deep fat frying a shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles, faintly self luminous, and with myriads of temporary eyes forming and unforming as pustules of greenish light
your married ex trying to turn you on to some sort of card game with the word "Catan" in it during your brief affair, your seeing it pop up in Kevin Rose's Twitter just today
always being seen drinking the same brand of beer, because you haven't found anything else that tastes as good as Guinness
having friends only for the purpose of having an excuse to get drunk every few weeks
having not yet read anything by Ambrose Bierce
vacationing in Carcosa
that youmight be allergic to this black cherry Kool Aide, but you just keep drinking it
wanting to check everything the library had by Lovecraft, but you lost your library card months ago and you're too lazy to get a new one
not drinking for so long that you genuinely lose your tolerence for it, goddamn
wishing you could write a book that sold well enough for you to just have a little extra coming in every month
wishing you could write a book or something that sold well enough that you could live off the profits without having to do any work
not drinking for so long that you genuinely lose your taste for it, goddamn
giving away all your best material to the Regret Index
that's all she wrote, dear John, I've sent your saddle home
trying to check out everything the library had by Lovecraft, but all that was checked in was a book of poetry, and you aren't that much a fan of poetry
Pete Seeger
answering the phone without checking the caller ID, and finding out it's Cthulhu on the other end
that you might be the same person as ultrabob
thinking that other cultures seem somehow closer to their languages than English speaking cultures
having gone through your whole life without murdering anyone, not even a LITTLE
knock knock knocking on heaven's door
Fabio
watching TV on a beautiful day when you should be outside, just because you never get to watch it on those other, less beautiful days
that you know your ex boss is really a pretty nice person, and she had to let you go, but it makes it easier for you to villify her
that you're reading The King in Yellow and The Call of Cthulhu at the same time, and you keep getting the eras they're set in mixed up
buying that iGuano app for your iPhone
that your iguana does not, in fact, produce iguano
being lazy boy
being crazy boy
realizing too late that the oil from those leaves, though it was a super lube, would cause such a terrible rash, swelling and open itchy sores
snorting fire ants
playing the strawpaper game, weeee
having to wake up with all three of them, when one of them was clearly only about eighty five percent into it
shaving the cat, if you know what I mean
not having read a whole book through since high school
not getting that footjob from Leighton Meester when you had the chance
putting together that documentary on global warming when you could have shown some captain planet episodes instead
that your mental state is linked to the environment, Gaia, spirit of Earth
that your mental state is linked to your environment
that you can't seem to help being a jerk around this one guy, but to be fair he can't seem to help being a jerk around you
realizing that she thought of you as a weird creep all along and you thought you had a nice conversation
going back in
that the small text box for entering regrets into aggravates your usually mild dyslexia
knowing that dontechit at yeah dot net isn't a real person
being tempted to send dontechit at yeah dot net telling him you wish him to use your web design service
that you are receiving this email because we wish you to use our web design service
having not read "Lolita", in Tehran or anywhere else for that matter
reading Charles Dicking's "Great Sexpectations"
having low sexpectations
having already run out of things to do by eight forty five on a Sunday morning
having read that same line about anthromorphic bottles of bleach over and over for the last three years
having high sexpectations
not keeping track of the books your read
staying up late to watch an eighteen year old paint her webcam
the way bread ages
that "these search results do not include the word 'medium'", which makes no sense, it seems like a pretty specific word
that unlike Huckleberry Hound, you don't have to deal with stuff like that there
not having this must have sexy coin set
that unlike Hank Hill, you don't have to sell propane OR propane accessories
that unlike Harry Houdini, you probably can't deal with being chained up, straitjacketed, and locked in a box
that unlike Henry Higgens, you don't have to deal with that bitch Eliza
that unlike Henry Howard Holmes, you have to deal with all of these live women
that unlike Horatio Hornblower, you don't have to deal with spotted dick
the way animation ages
ever saying "va va voom"
that unlike Howard Hughes, you have to deal with spotty, germy children on a near daily basis
Dr Seuss
Dr Strangelove
Dr House
Dr Phil
Dr Pepper
Dr Tran
Dr Who
Dr No
that unlike Hubert Humphrey, you have to deal with spotty cell phone reception
not being able to prevent the awkward pauses
beating your wife to the finish line, no, I mean literally driving her there by blows, the lazybones
not completely disrobing to paint one another's nails, but instead only taking your tops and bras off, sloppy sloppy girls
never before realizing how much sexy tongue kissing goes into painting someone's nails
staying up all night to watch one teen girl paint another teen girl's nails online on webcam
singing "YMCA!" at your audition for drama coach and camp counselor at the YMCA
singing "There's no philia like pedo philia!" at your audition for drama coach and camp counselor for a YMCA summer camp
that there's no philia like pedo philia
wishing Tim Burton would cast some other people, for a change
that, when someone so obviously displays unfounded mistrust towards you, it for some reason makes you want to earn that mistrust
watching a film adaptation of a favorite book, and the actors taking over whatever your mental image of the characters was before
being exhausted at a late hour, but still having several things you feel you should do or at least would like to
beating your wife, because beating your wife is a lot of fun!
adding an exclamation mark to the end of every regret that you enter!
staying up late waiting on a call from the child that you as an adult are sexually interested in
that being with a sexy tranny is your ultimate fantasy
battered wife food, mmm
oh you sexy hermaphrodite ladyman ladies
that unlike Humbert Humbert, you have to deal with spotty cell phone reception
being so tired, but half waiting up expecting a phone call
wondering if you can regret intending to do something
feeling there should be a "haven't done it lately" option on regrets
launching an anvil twenty feet into the air using black powder
battered sea food, mmm
battering your sea king companion
dancing in the moonlight
killing your battery seeking companion
ordering that quadruple scotch
going on holiday by mistake
killing your battery seeking companionship in regret
that you are the only person tonight on the whole wide Internet
not floozing more often
having a black belt in Wang Chung
that defendant spun the victim around, baby, right around, like a record baby, right around, right around
that, in hindsight, with all due consideration, given the ifs, ands, buts, wheretofores and wherehows, you might as well have jumped
smoking in the boys room
sleeping in the beer shed
that you started bitching about your age three or four months ago, but it's nights like tonight that you realize you want to run around and set fires still, which is a relief, although maybe not to your hosts
that there are more shiny six packs in the storage shed down the path, but your hosts seem to have hidden the shotgun, maybe, or maybe you did as you finished the five pack
splitting your one pack with a dog, and now the dog is asleep
how dead a homeopathic retreat is on a Friday night
Michael Jackson's death from food poisoning, despite your cautioning him against eating all those ten year old wieners
attorney Greg Rigg framing Ed McMahon's murder as a suicide
Suzi Finer's murder of Farrah Fawcett in retribution for Michael Jackson's murder
Lisa Allarde Johnson's murder of Michael Jackson
being alive now instead of the next century or beyond
critical errors
Coming Alive!, Frampton
talk boxing your iPhone
waiting for a time when all your teeth can be replaced by titanium ones
knowing that the only way to get over the temporary discomfort caused by flossing is to get into a regular habit of it
flossing, and having your gums get irritated as a result, and then grinding your teeth, and your jaw hurting for a whole week
feeling better for having known her
wanting to be famous but knowing you'll most likely die in a fire
wanting to be famous but knowing you'll most likely die in complete obscurity
being damned if you do and damned if you don't
licking that robot
ants with heads that look like butts
removing avocado from your California rolls and replacing it with wasabi and spicy ginger
something that you have done, rather that something you have not done
not initially disliking things, but starting to as a result of everyone else creaming their pants over them, and you not really understanding what's so super duper outstanding about them
WAAAGHing your iphone
not realising that the bar of soap you accidentally left on the bathroom windowsill would strip the paint off it
being passive aggressive, and living with an equally passive aggressive person
the Amazing Regret Book Club
thinking Josh is lying on that flossing regret, he's probably from some company that's trying to sell dental floss
being selectively feminine
being selectively feminist
that, if you think about it, the plot of "The Time Traveler's Wife" kind of reinforces the stereotype that a woman should stay at home and have babies and patiently wait for the man who is out having adventures
having people who will help you ouut, but really wanting to make it on your own
exaggerating your misfortune
being advised to volunteer in order to gain references for jobs, but being highly hesitant to do work without even being paid for it
thinking that "The Time Traveler's Wife" was an interesting concept, and written well enough, but with little conflict and even less distinction between the two main character voices
living in Texas
priding yourself on not being very squeamish, but house centipedes still make you squeam
having to clean centipede legs out of the bottom of your glass
taking a can out of a glass it was sitting in to find a dead house centipede in the bottom of the glass, oh god oh god it's huge
fighting a battle of who could care less
regrex
how hot, honey covered, and hungry she looks
hot, humid weather
wanting to throw out the trash because it's stinky, but not wanting to because there's not enough of it yet to fill a whole bag
jokes in bad taste
being a passive aggressive roommate
working in college, but not in the career path you're now trying to make your way into
not finding an internship in college when you had the chance
considering taking on an unpaid internship, just to gain experience that you can use towards future paid positions, even though you're out of college and not sure you can afford to work even two days a week for nothing
that Billie Jean is not your lover, she's just a girl that says that you are the one, but the kid is not your son
beating it
living life off the wall
wussing out and kissing that NOT attractive girl
wondering if Michael Jackson will be the next Elvis, in the sense that he will be famous for being abducted by aliens
only really liking one song by Michael Jackson, but to be fair, only really knowing that one song
thinking that Michael Jackson's skin color transition from black to white was something he did on purpose, only to discover later that it was due to a rare skin disease which destroyed the pigment in his skin
dyeing Michael Jackson
finding Michael Jackson's life and death to be quite sad, because he was so talented and so messed up, probably as a result of things out of his control
kissing that attractive girl who did not age well at all, but who instead grew into her toxic personality, after slandering you all over town, of course
wondering what sort of Farrahnic chamber pinup girl Fawcett will be entombed in
wondering what sort of pharaonic chamber the King of Pop will be entombed in
thinking that people suck, leading to them thinking that you suck, cheer up people
wishing you were a hermit
michael jackson dying
trying to build a spaceship
that vampires suck even more than people
selling three vials of your blood for fifty dollars
not being a latin american migrant worker in Japan
wussing out and NOT kissing that attractive girl
letting your parents know about anything you do
sucking
that nobody seems to realize the "people suck" attitude is self perpetuating, because by living that way you're just contributing to the overall selfishness of society
bowling for swans
Maltese men
argentinean women
having a man crush on michael showalter
being the milk man
that japan is paying latin american migrant workers about three thousand dollars to leave
that you thought you were just unable to add the same comment to a single regret twice, but apparent you can't use the same name and comment combo on the whole site more than once
really believing that it's not how you look that's keeping you from a relationship, but you own fears, which somehow makes it even harder
"sandwiches"
drunk tweeting
drunken cheese coins
really wondering why you continue to be such a welcome guest
wondering if you could hit an artisanal cheese with a shotgun from a moving jeep
being stuck on your friend's farm with a three pack and a box of artisanal raw milk cheeses
not being drunk enough fir drunk dialing
wondering if you could hit an archery target with a shotgun from a moving jeep
that blowing up your friend's homeopathic spa retreat would not be a good idea
being stuck on a friend's farm with no Internet connection and no tv, just spotty cell phone reception, a six pack, a shotgun, some matches and a whole bunch of kerosene, and feelin' like to make shit all blowed up
that you are a little drunk right now, and therefore mawkish
not having been nicer to your third high school girlfriend, no matter how mean she was
existing only in regret
that Charlie Brown never gets to kick the damn football
learing that the Ferrari in Ferris Beullers Day Off was actually just a Mustang with a body kit
that Dr Suess is dead, and tht isn't even his real name
that Carl Sagan is dead
that Kurt Vonnegut is dead
always eating your skittles in prismatic order
caring too much
not having a facebook or a myspace or anything, and existing only in physical reality
when you are voting on a reget which consists only of someone's name who you have never herd of before, forcing you to answer with HAVENT DONE IT YET, which makes you feel like you are going to be very promiscuous at some unspecified point in the future
constantly trying to discover new and exciting food combinations
over nine tHOUSAND regrets
going gentle into that good night
not working on Maggie's farm no more
owning a pair of sweet RayBan sunglasses
being on the cutting edge of trends
accidentally shooting your friend in the leg with an artillery shell and burning off some of his leg hair
playing so much jazz that you start to walk funny
keeping your faith in the fundamental dignity and decency of mankind, despite almost daily reminders that such faith is founded on nothing more than anecdotes and children's stories
unprotected sex
killing a party again
not buying Fiesta!Giles when you had the chance
also, being a nerd
enjoying fanfiction as a way to play around with writing styles without worrying about building a whole world, because you're lazy like that
thinking you were above fanfiction, but the characters from your favorite shows seem to take up space in your brain and talk to each other
creating a pen name on fanfiction dot net for you to post your terrible fanfiction on, but not letting anyone you know know what it is
reading a book for the first time in which you discover several things which you had, a few months ago but several months after the book was out, written into an as of yet incomplete short story of yours, and now feeling like you've plagiarized
being born too late for vampires, and too early for space vampires
actually basing life decisions on the regret index
drawing attractive magnets
having a dominance and submission kind of thimg going on with bread dough
drawling vampires
being born too late for tall ships and too early for spaceships
drawing vampires drawing blood
attracting vampires
drawing vampires and blood
Draw
drawing blood
drawing vampires
that you're going to get your blood drawn tomorrow
constantly worrying about subconscious plagiarism
wishing you was be two tiger
sleeping with that girl
realizing you could still find archived SA threads on Google's cache, and not being able to stop hunting for good stuff to save before it disappears
the little wiggly things at the end of feet
toes
attempting Socratic irony over the Internet
that while a serving of beer and a separate serving of wine a day ate supposed to confer certain health benefits, you just wake up feieling kind of groggy, which is sad, as you used to be able to drink a liter of each with breakfast
most young women's holdout when it comes to allowing tethering of their sexy open toes, mmmm, toes
ATandT's apparent holdout when it comes to allowing tetheriing for your iPhone
not practicing drawing a lot when you were a little child so that now you could be an excellent drawer
the trend in ballet slippers, which you think are much less sexy than a flip flop or a sandal with open toes, mmmm, toes
nothing!
giving up on making a living off of your artistic talent for another few months
collapsing in on yourself with bitterness and solitude
people who say 'amirite'
acquiescing in frozen confections
being somehow reminded of Avestriel's mannerisms by incorrigible
not putting things on the regret index
not learning more Optimality Theory
being too tired to do something useful, and not having something useless to do
taking a walk on the mild side
this thistly thus thusly
this thus, thusly
pawning your virginity, but never saving enough to get it back, thus, your virginity is unredeemed
copy and paste mangling your grammers
that you never learned to love yourself, thus injuring yourself horribly in the process, I'm looking at YOU, David Carradine
quiescently frozen confections
badgering someone for a job, literally, with a badger
having neither the people skills for customer service, retail, or food service, nor the qualifications for manufacturing or construction
having trouble seeing the point in trying, when you get no response
people who use the phrase "internship position" as a more positive way to say "unpaid position", even though there are such things as paid internships
doting fondue to a Parkinson's convention
not getting married in high school
finding out the girl you thought was cute is actually thirteen, wtf
eating that whole pizza, and then your friend's leftovers
listing all of Supernatural's merits, when really you just watch it for the hot dudes
delicious dephlogisticated air
watching Limits of Control
not getting upset when posters on Something Awful don't like your artwork, because you think that they're stupid and you just wanted to see their reactions
branding a wireless broad
never intending to let your hair grow to fifteen inches
on one hand wanting an Arrested Development movie, on the other hand being so used to the half hour format and lack of stress on plot that the show had that you have no idea what such a movie would be like
Not being more charismatic!
taking a scrapbooking class taught by Professor Munch
typing "Johnny Depp gangster video" when you meant to type "Johnny Depp gangster vehicle"
liking the idea of the new Johnny Depp gangster video, but the trailers you've seen look like they were all shot on unlit digital video
that there was actually a Labyrinth midnight screening near you coupled with a discussion of its themes and effect on young women growing up, and you thought about calling around to see if anyone wanted to go, but you wound up going to bed early instead
being a wireless broad
that you weren't really a huge fan of River Tam until after you saw Serenity, and not because she kicked ass, which she did, but because she seemed to gain more purpose by the end of the film
Facebook integration into Pidgin
the printing press
the amazing Regret index
wireless broadband
hydrogen bonding
the neologism of skool
the tendency of the human brain to develop mental disorders
impulsiveness
being an arrogant elitist in elementary school
recognizing that the maxim that truth is beauty is actually the key to understanding beauty
recognizing that the maxim of "truth is beauty" is actually the key to understanding beauty
recognizing the beauty of mathematics and logic
Sam and Fuzzy
Hob
transhumanism
that you no longer believe that the common people should be allowed to govern themselves
the Pythagorean theorem
keratin
reading webcomics instead of doing work
deciding to do your thesis on that particular topic
learning vector algebra
Slashdot
Wordpress
listening to Mogwai
not listening to Kate Bush until now
Peter Gabriel's second album
aerogel
learning Ruby
learning Perl
Blade Runner
that it's so like Candy
that you feel like you're waiting for something, but you don't know what
that she's a loser, she's a forgiver, she still finds good where no one could
wanting the young American
trying to make an egg yolk spoil, but not rot, if that makes sense
trying to make an egg yolk spoil under controlled conditions
kissing joey comeau
needing a job fairly desperately, but not even coming up with anything you can apply to
being overheated
that it's only forever, not long at all
being surprised that Labyrinth doesn't get more criticism, what with the suggested pedophilia and all
wondering if growing up watching the movie Labyrinth repeatedly had anything to do with your attraction to older men, British accents, and guys who occasionally wear makeup
switching from cocaine to ganja because it contains less crazy
switching from coke to ginger ale because it's caffeine free
that you aint never not forgot to not do nuthin never
putting off really stupid things you need to do anyway, like changing out of your sweaty pants or eating dinner, on the off chance that someone might paint her nails online
being in the minority that loved Firefly as a series but felt Serenity the movie pretty much blew, except for Summer Glau, lovely yummy Summer Glau, and the cast's chemistry generally
that in your mind, you look like whoever you're thinking about right then, which makes it difficult to pick out glasses, hair styles and clothes for your face and frame
that apparently, in your mind, hair styling is MAGIC!
being too embarrassed to flat out say to your stylist "make me look like Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr combined"
needing a haircut and having a new, competent stylist you like, but really having no idea what you want to do with it
how awkward it is to pee on people you know on public transportation
wondering where the plot of Firefly would have gone if it had survived longer as a series, instead of being canceled and resurrected as a movie
wondering who the guy with the bandaged hand is
still using this power supply, even after it heated up enough to melt its own plastic housing
meating people you know on public transportation
having bony fingers
having a cute little white butt
knowing that it'll take your whole damn life to make this right
not being able to make things right
lying on a job application in the hopes they'll at least interview you this time
letting your depression hurt others
hurting the only man you have ever loved
losing the love of your life, and knowing it's all your fault
leaving everyone and everything behind on a stupid idea and then losing everything
burning your old love letters, for no real good reason
watching Blazing Saddles instead of going to bed
planting your rape seed and growing a whole crop of rape
spilling your rape seed
always making friends with people who use drugs and have terrible taste in art instead of more intelligent and creative people
believing in rapism
thinking that hard Gs sound softer than soft Gs
lying to children, Mary Poppins
quoting quoted quotes from movies
letting your armies be the rocks and the trees and the birds in the sky
remembering your Charlemagne
that there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy
missing what you've never possessed
buying cheap meat
that the one year when you got a major part in your yearly school musical was the same year that they mysteriously left the musical section out of the yearbook, even though they took pictures for it
managing to miss picture day almost every year in high school, and not being in any clubs, so that you weren't really in your yearbooks at all
your instinctual habit of trying to fade from other people's lives unnoticed, leaving little behind to prove you were there
not being missed
just messing with the toenail painting webcam chat regretee
having never been
finding a way to make the toenail painting webcam regret even less settling
not having vidcapped a teen girl painting her nails online, and now that she is without a computer temporarily, having only your memories to sustain you
not reading any Lovecraft stories until just recently
still having not finished Stranger in a Strange Land
not doing it yet
being at risk for hunger
buying an item of cloathing at a renaissance festival when you were young and into that kind of thing and money flowed like water, and then never actually wearing it
going to a renaissance festival but not having the funds to actually buy anything awesome there
living in victory
not even having religion to use as an excuse for why you're "saving yourself"
not actually living in sin, damn it
living in sin
living in filth
banging pots and pans and plates around under running water, but failing to actually get most of them clean
not feeling qualified for most things, lately
not feeling comfortable giving relationship advice, even when asked for it, because of your inexperience, even though you might be able to approach the subject more logically because of that lack
worrying about a friend who you think is in an unfair but not exactly neglectful or abusive relationship, but being afraid to say anything to them, because you expect they'll defend said relationship viciously
not having access to a chop saw
getting very angry whenever you think about how processed food is cheaper than natural food
not hugging more girls in high school
being on a boat, motherfucker
trilingual regrets
not having gateau with your gato
flipping off everyone you hated from High School Musical
putting a bag of weed through the washing machine
how delightful it is to see people you know under public transportation
getting out of the bathtub or shower and burying your face in a fluffy towel, only to find it's completely covered with cat hair
not realising that the shoes aren't yours, in fact non of this stuff is yours, your cat is just letting you borrow it as needed
your cat sitting on your shoes, and then getting mad at you when you take them from her
accidently the verb
that as pitiful as your love life is, at least you can say you've been in the same room as a naked person of the opposite sex
being in a black jacket situation
that dude if only you were fifty pounds lighter i would definitely give you that moment you are waiting for so desperately
that you are definitely the hottest half Asian girl whom I've ever met
that i know your half jew and i am still into it
posting regrets made out of phrases from Missed Connection posts
that, playing with matches, a girl can get burned
not spending more time with Badger
meeting a badger
looking forward to the day when you can retire this shirt from uniform duty and sew something cute over the holes that your work badger has worn into it
that perhaps, even in dark bars, you will stop getting carded soon
that a pretty brunette girl, late teens, stranded on the beach, wearing a becoming bikini bottom, flip flops and sweatshirt, to whom you lent your cell phone to call for a ride, smiled up winningly at you, batted her long lashes, then thanked you as "Sir"
coming home early, being bored, rediscovering Nanosaur Two on your computer
that it runs in the family
having recently attained a wolf Tshirt, but not realizing it was a 'thing' now, sheesh
plural and singular in this our crazy language
that bacon was the new cupcakes, but now wolf t shirts are the new bacon
looking forward to the day when you can retire this shirt from uniform duty and sew something cute over the holes that your work badge has worn into it
choosing Mortgage Masters of Indiana
putting mixed veggies in your scrambled eggs
eating too much applesauce
opining that wolves are cute
sinking the boat that you built to keep afloat
plucking your beard hairs to serenade a yeti
plucking your beard hairs
not knowing what this crazy new "wolf t shirt" meme is, sweeping through your life, but you've had several in your closet for a decade and you wonder if you should whip them out
tempting him with a clarinet and waving a Nazi dagger
wearing carl fredrickson glasses
the stormfront dot org thread devoted to martial arts, in which several members extol the virtues of Krav Magra, only to bemoan that it was invented by, as they euphemise, "you know who", rofl
the stormfront dot org "hot or not" thread, in which members chastise one another for accidentally posting Jewesses but then offer acceptable shiksa substitutes, "Try xxx, just like Natalie Portman but not Jewish" lol
that having now learned about "synthetic knives" you may never leave the house again
that they may be idiots, but you've got to hand them one thing, these Nazis sure do know about obscure weapons
your newfound fascination with stormfront dot org
that mac os x seems to have added barack and obama to the cocoa dictionary in a recent update
the slow and painful death of pokey the penguin
being one of eleven people to give birth to barack hussein obama jr
giving a wide berth to the President
waiting for sites to come back up again
feeling pretty out of it, and hey having seven hours at least before you can sleep again
making gatorade floats
punching out a turkey
hello, are you outside, what hello, hello, hello, hello
that due to serverlag and games never finishing brokenpicturetelephone dot com has become the worst possible execution of the best possible idea
being a pretty lonely guy
Having over seventy percent of the badges on Kongregate
that she was cold when you woke, and looked so perfect, so peaceful, that you just had to, one last time
kneading money to make dough
needing money to make money
ever reading those unbelievably angry comments threads under internet articles
nuking the whales