having what is about two hundred dollars to your name
REGRET INDEX:
0.93

a regret index of 1 is ultimate regret
this result collects the hard-earned
experience of 17 lifetimes of regret
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people who write Myke when they mean Mike?
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recent regrets

being so physically attractive and horny that you have to flee across international boners with only the penises you can carry and seek analingus in another country
being pretty sure where you fall down on dates is entering that trancelike state of anticipation, but that if you could just get around to yelling "PUSSY" and om nom nomming everything would be fine
sex with YOU
signed, Roman Polanski
sex with you
being so physically unattractive and nerdy that you have to flee across international borders with only the possessions you can carry and seek asylum in another country
having unfulfilled Pussy Monster like urges to eat cookies
just never being able to believe someone could ever have dinosaur sex with you
shooting day for night, what a way to make a living
having unfulfilled Cookie Monster like urges to perform oral sex
that one creaky fucking door
trying me
the wind whistling around in the walls of your home
just never being able to believe someone could find you attractive
kinda having to live like a refugee, tho
sometimes being like "ugh I'm way too ugly to be as nerdy as I am"
shooting day for night
slut shaming your horse
not naming your horse
eating up Martha
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recent comments

(1) wondering if there was something in the recent comments that finally got Ryan a cease & desist letter
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feeling iffy from lithium (1.0000)
forgetting how to brake on an icy bridge and consequently totalling your reliable and beloved car (1.0000)
not realizing until you had wasted lots of time that when your ex said he didn't want a serious relationship, he meant it (1.0000)
your recent accomplishments leaving you feeling spent, used, and broken into smithereens, rather than joyous, celebratory or purposeful (1.0000)
having no way of knowing whether a new friend, a sweet but chaotic nutter, is alive or dead as of this morning, and having to wait thirty six hours to find out for sure (1.0000)
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bottom regrets

using the word "waffletastic" (0.0000)
fisting Go Ikeda (0.0000)
telling that girl in second grade who insisted that you were "the boss of her" to show you her vagina (0.0000)
The Curious Cans of Benjamin Buttocks (0.0000)
holding your boobs when you run down the stairs (0.0000)
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meeting Brian Peppers (12078/0.9998)
turtles (2607/0.0004)
the death of Sylvia Browne (2430/0.0000)
that you're suddenly very interested in the origin of the champagne out of a shoe trope (2335/0.5073)
breasts (1440/0.0135)
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