by Jason Eppink, Matt Hannon, & Alex Taite
from Utterly Exhaustive Lists: An Incomplete Collection
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Professor:
Perfect circles three-sided squares and two nested pairs with just one
number. Isaac Newton's fourth law of motion, rivers and oceans on the
moon. Easter Sunday in the fall and Pope John Paul the Sixth or Seventh.
Also the last digit of pi or large dragonflies that eat baboons.
Selima:
Or what about elves and unicorns or cranberries grown with pairs of
horns or chocolate cheesecakes laced with thorns, these things do not exist.
Rasta dude:
And don’t forget objectivity or non-oppressive authority or equal
opportunity, these things do not exist.
Professor:
I’m quite impressed at our little list, though I think we missed a thing
or two, so not to sound too over-rehearsed, but we’ll sing more verses
after this.
Goth:
So what about life without suffering or a moment when nobody’s dying or
a flower immune from withering, oh these things do not exist.
Jean Val Jean:
Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction, American nuclear arms
reduction, women safe from my powers of seduction, these do not exist.
Sunshine:
Or restaurants in California where you legally can smoke or pitless
peaches, orange celery, or heartless artichokes or Chia pets that look
like Howard Taft or Howard Stern, the Antarctic Badminton League or
gasoline that does not burn.
Blue:
Or lengthy treatises on existential thought by dinosaurs, or belly
button flavored Jello, Japanese conquistadors, September 33rd or 58th or
91st, or flying submarines or talking plants or meatless liverwurst.
Bob Sock:
Or ocean-front property in Zimbabwe, Orthodox Jews that speak God’s
name, Yahweh, truffles or mushrooms with vertebrae, these things do not
exist.
Theodore:
Or cellular phones from nineteen-ten or monsters in closets or bogeymen
or cigarettes without carcinogens, these things do not ex . . .
Mobjylgingho:
Eggs as large as mars, cherry-flavored cars, 90-string guitars, immortal
armadillos, paint chip pillows, billion kilo cigarillos, real Fox News
sans point of views or fake tattoos held on with screws or duct tape
zoos or argon shoes or cheap canoes made from kazoos or free shampoos
from kangaroos. Twelve-handed clocks, magic bean stalks, woodless
woodblocks, NASA space walks on earth or sock puppets made without any
actual socks.
All:
One-line sonnets, eight-legged snakes and beer-flavored lakes in
Minnesota, cat scan goggles, monks singing chants in tight leather pants
Professor:
and finally not least of all an utterly exhaustive list of
All:
things that don’t exist!